Crazy Ass Christmas Letters

[RootSkier]

To: Mr. and Mrs. Rootskier
From: Mr. Rootskier's crazy ass uncle.

(Greetings, etc.)

Mary Kay is still struggling with her digestive system. We left Sarasota on Feb 1 to travel back to appointments at Mayo Clinic in Rochester. After a lot of tests and evaluation by GI Specialists she was diagnosed as having Dysfunctional Pelvic Floor, basically the muscles in her lower digestive systems aren't functioning as they should. We spent the summer with multiple (4) trips to Mayo and we feel she has not seen any significant improvement to date. Not a fun time.

(Granddaughter is getting straight A's!!!)

[mobygrape]

always special when family get to the stage they're sharing medical details you'd rather not know.

(mother with some special GI issues. I know ALL about it.)

[neufox47]

She should have done more planks...

[KQ]

I've got a cousin who does that kinda letter - nothing is sacred. Ugh. I almost dread reading it but sometimes it does offer comic relief. Can you say "over sharing?" Yeah, sure you can.......

[neufox47]

When you get letters like that you should just one up them with a return letter. Trip to Cabo was great except when I got so drunk that I woke up with a big dump in my pants.

[BigDaddy]

I got this "inquiry" on my rental cabin yesterday. Flattering, but a little TMI:

I am a soon to be divorced mother waiting on my disability. I am 36 y/o and have had a heart attack and 3 back surgeries. I am going to be getting my disability soon and have been looking at building a tiny home for me and 15y/o son. I was referred by a fellow blogger to your cabin. I am in love and was wondering if you could tell me if there is a builder that sells plans for this cabin. My name is Amy and I live north of Nashville in TN. My blog is "crazy lady..."

[farmer]

I am looking forward to reading my grandparents letter. This should be the sixth year in a row that grandma gets my field of work wrong. I held out a bit of hope last year when they attended my graduation and heard the name of my degree over the loud speakers.

[taz]

I totally agree with the TMI. But I can tell you it's worse when you are the fucker they are talking about.... Cause I wanted every fucking one to know that. Fucking inlaws man, that bitch is crazy.

[The AD]

When you get letters like that you should just one up them with a return letter. Trip to Cabo was great except when I got so drunk that I woke up with a big dump in my pants.

Classic. Or "...had a little case of the clap in March (I know. I had a bad feeling about that hooker, too). No worries, though, Doc got it cleared up in no time!"

[LightRanger]

Then there are the years you just WISH you had the balls to write a true letter:

So cousin Jimmy got early release on his possession with intent sentence. But brother Johnny got locked up for failing to pay child support. Works out okay though, since Jimmy needed a place to live, and Johnny's house was available. Mikey's divorce was final in August, and his now-ex Jill finally got the nose job and breast enhancement she has been needing in September. Grandma continued her habit of losing it at family gatherings, and this year, helped along by uncle Dick's fondness for rum, it came to blows. Merry Christmas everyone, and can anyone tell me why Jamespio moved to a state none of us can find on a map?

Originally from Appalachia?

[that dude who did that thing]

Originally from Appalachia?

You'd think so, wouldn't you?

I like to say that the family traces its roots to the early british colonists. Which is probably true, except that ours were almost certainly of the indentured servitude type, and never have quite risen entirely above those early white trash roots. But the uncles were a lot of fun when I was a young man looking for role models to party too hard with. And nobody blows through a fortune faster than our family.

[KQ]

Then there are the years you just WISH you had the balls to write a true letter:

So cousin Jimmy got early release on his possession with intent sentence. But brother Johnny got locked up for failing to pay child support. Works out okay though, since Jimmy needed a place to live, and Johnny's house was available. Mikey's divorce was final in August, and his now-ex Jill finally got the nose job and breast enhancement she has been needing in September. Grandma continued her habit of losing it at family gatherings, and this year, helped along by uncle Dick's fondness for rum, it came to blows. Merry Christmas everyone, and can anyone tell me why Jamespio moved to a state none of us can find on a map?

Mom got drunk and Dad got drunk at our Christmas party
We were drinking champagne punch and homemade eggnog
Little sister brought her new boyfriend
He was a Mexican
We didn't know what to think of him until he sang
Felis Navidad, Felis Navidad

Brother Ken brought his kids with him
The three from his first wife Lynn
And the two identical twins from his second wife Mary Nell
Of course he brought his new wife Kay
Who talks all about AA
Chain smoking while the stereo plays Noel, Noel
The First Noel

Carve the Turkey
Turn the ball game on
Mix margaritas when the eggnog's gone
Send somebody to the Quickpak Store
We need some ice and an extension chord
A can of bean dip and some Diet Rites
A box of tampons, Marlboro Lights
Haleluja everybody say Cheese
Merry Christmas from the family

Fred and Rita drove from Harlingen
I can't remember how I'm kin to them
But when they tried to plug their motor home in
They blew our Christmas lights
Cousin David knew just what went wrong
So we all waited out on our front lawn
He threw a breaker and the lights came on
And we sang Silent Night, Oh Silent Night, Oh Holy Night

Carve the turkey turn the ball game on
Make Bloody Mary's
Cause We All Want One!
Send somebody to the Stop 'N Go
We need some celery and a can of fake snow
A bag of lemons and some Diet Sprites
A box of tampons, some Salem Lights
Haleluja, everybody say cheese
Merry Christmas from the Family