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  1. #1
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    Biological Father to meet or not

    Just read flowing alpy's thread and I'm going through something similar and would like some advise on how to do it. I'm going to give the back-story and it might me long but I'll cliff note it at the end......

    I grew up with just my mom and 2 sisters and she always told me that my sisters and I had the same father and how worthless of a person he was. Alcoholic, drug addict, has 9-10 other kids with 3-4 other women....Parent of the year award winner. He is black and my sister are light skinned but you can tell that they have some heritage. Me? White as a fucking ghost....Growing up I had the complexion of a ginger and my father is black? How is that possible? Mom always just said that they took after him whereas I took after her, which I did look a lot like her so didn't think much of it.

    When I was about 14-15 i found out that he and mom were talking again and he was coming for a visit...Excited and nervous to meet my father that I had only heard bad things about all my life. He lived about 5 hours away so he would come visit every now and then and spend time with her but wanted nothing to do with me...Cool he is a prick and as bad as I had always heard so it wasn't a big deal. I turn 19 and find out that I'm going to be a father now and Mom is pissed and says " You're going to be just as bad of a father as yours is." Thanks Mom!!

    Fast forward a few years and I'm talking to my sister, when she tells me that she was talking to my mom and asks who the guy was that was around for a year or two when she was younger...Mom replies "who are you talking about? Shaggy's dad?" My sister tried to talk her into telling me the truth and mom wants nothing of it says why does it matter? He didn't have a dad growing up why would he now? My sister ends up calling me and telling me the truth as well as much info that she was able to get out of my mom. Which was a name and an occupation that he had in 1978. She was still "in love" with my sisters dad so he got tired of playing second fiddle and left. A month later mom finds out she's pregnant with me and never calls my dad to tell him....

    I have been curious about who my father is but its been 33 years and don't have the slightest clue how to go about it..My mom won't talk to me or anyone else about it. Any time I try to bring it up she makes an excuse to hang up. (I live about 8 hours away from her) I have tried facebook, google, shit like that..Have a neighbor who was with the Highway Patrol as well and he had some year books of all the patrol officers and couldn't find him in there either. I am torn with how aggressive do I get to find him.

    I am not expecting anything from him. I mostly just want to know family history, and any medical info that may be important. However if he does want us to get to know each other I'm ok with that too.





    ~~~~Cliff-notes~~~~~~
    Found out my mom lied to me growing up about who my father is. He isn't black, alcoholic, drug abuser, worthless deadbeat. don't know how to find real father or even if I should try to find him......

  2. #2
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    Well then, that's some heavy shit.

  3. #3
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    Pretty cool that your sister's dad is Shawn Kemp.
    Quote Originally Posted by Roo View Post
    I don't think I've ever seen mental illness so faithfully rendered in html.

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by shaggy433 View Post
    Have a neighbor who was with the Highway Patrol as well and he had some year books of all the patrol officers and couldn't find him in there either.
    Bit random isn't it?

    Me? White as a fucking ghost....Growing up I had the complexion of a ginger and my father is black? How is that possible?
    Good luck. The Lord loves a working man, don’t trust whitey, see a doctor and get rid of it.
    Last edited by PNWbrit; 10-25-2012 at 04:32 PM.
    Quote Originally Posted by Downbound Train View Post
    And there will come a day when our ancestors look back...........

  5. #5
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    If you have a name, hire a private investigator, they can get things done if they are good.

    As for if, do it. Dude I am sure wants to meet you too, I know I would want to meet all my progeny, legit or not.
    Terje was right.

    "We're all kooks to somebody else." -Shelby Menzel

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by PNWbrit View Post
    Bit random isn't it?
    Gotta assume that he knows his dad was a HP.

    If you've got a name and previous address I'd bet a private detective could find him through public records and private search databases.

    To meet or not... that's a really tough question but i'm sure I'd want to know. At a minimum it seems like a fair thing to let the guy know.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by PNWbrit View Post
    Bit random isn't it?
    What is? My father was with the highway patrol back in the late 70's but the only yearbooks the neighbor had were from early 2000's..Not sure where to find any other years. I have looked on the Highway Patrols website but can't find anything on there either..

    no previous address just the city about where they would have met...Semi common name too so that didn't help much

  8. #8
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    I was going to tell you to PM Rontele, but he's already posted.

    Is it one of these guys?

    Quando paramucho mi amore de felice carathon.
    Mundo paparazzi mi amore cicce verdi parasol.
    Questo abrigado tantamucho que canite carousel.


  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by irul&ublo View Post

    Is it one of these guys?

    Quote Originally Posted by shaggy433 View Post
    My father was with the highway patrol back in the late 70's
    It's all starting to make sense now.
    Quote Originally Posted by Downbound Train View Post
    And there will come a day when our ancestors look back...........

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by PNWbrit View Post
    Bit random isn't it?
    I would assume he found out his dad was a state patrolman. Which would mean a patrolman and a "alcoholic, drug addict, worthless" dude were fighting over the same woman. And the statie lost.

    From the tiny bit posted your mom doesn't sounds like a peach either.

    I would match your search efforts to how badly you want to find him. I'm sure if the info you were given is accurate you will be able to find him if you try hard enough.

  11. #11
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    Time to bitch slap your Mom...talk about parent of the year award.

    While I wouldn't threaten her, I would tell her in no uncertain terms you want this information and that hanging up is not an option. The future of your relationship with her is likely hanging in the balance here judging by what you have said.

    I agree it is a constitutional right for Americans to be assholes...its just too bad that so many take the opportunity...
    iscariot

  12. #12
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    Edit: fuck the personal explanation.
    OP: figure it out, trust me It will haunt you if you don't. Good or bad outcome is better than that
    Last edited by Sicks; 10-25-2012 at 05:33 PM.

  13. #13
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    If you have the division or city he served in- maybe visit the HP and see if there are any just ready to retire Patrollers that would remember the name? Also not sure if there would be issues because of the job, many Law Enforcement types are pretty protective of providing information (that typically could be gotten under a few freedom of information acts) due to the type of work and criminal cases. Some criminal that the HP busted and convicted getting released and now looking for revenge. I had a distant cousin though that was a retired State Trooper and leaving a message at the Barracks he served would always get to him....

    Hope it works out and your Mom provides some more details and quits avoiding the issue.

  14. #14
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    Ur mom sounds like shes a real cumdumpster.

  15. #15
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    ^^^she must be doing something right, she didn't give birth to you.

    So, Shaggy, can you still jump?

    But yeah, the question...PI would make short work of that and then you could make up your mind what to do. I'm sure you could figure it out on your own but I say it's better to drop some coin and make as "neutral" (obviously not really possible but still) a decision on what to do as possible.

  16. #16
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    Visit your mom. Talk with her about it. Get the info, she can't hang up. I think you have a right to know your father if possible. It isnt her call (she just holds the cards)

    Then I think youll probably want to visit the man- maybe not but I think youd think about it every day until you made the trip- he may not even know you exist
    Decisions Decisions

  17. #17
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    You have every right to be entirely selfish in this situation. You're the only one involved who has nothing to feel bad about. Consider talking to a therapist with experience in this sort of thing(or working with adopted children who've been reunited with parents later in life). I'm not saying you need therapy, but someone familiar with this unusual dynamic may have valuable advice about how you can best take control of the situation.
    Last edited by I've seen black diamonds!; 10-26-2012 at 08:47 AM.

  18. #18
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    The key to the puzzle lies within your mom. I think she owes it to you by now to fess up, but then again you are talking about a statie from the 70's. Dude probably had a family of his own and mom was the side dish. She got pregnant with you, he put a gun to her head and said he would blow it off if she ever spilt the beans. The guy meant bidness, he was a cop and she knew damn well he could make her disapear without anyone saying anything, so it could be one of those things that someone takes to the grave.

    Life is messy. Good luck!
    Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature... Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. -Helen Keller

  19. #19
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    Think long about what you are doing and come to grips with it may not end well. I have a niece who was adopted at birth, never a secret. As a teenager she had "issues" about a lot of things, I am assuming here because I never got the full story but the adopted thing apparently always bothered her. Her adopted parents were first class, well off, her dad was President of a small community bank and she never wanted for much. Gets married has a couple of kids and in her late 20's she just had to know so she found out who her parents were, they lived on the East Coast. I just happened to work for the same multi national company, 1000 miles away and I know the guy, not well but first name basis only from business, seems like a good guy. She was given up for adoption when her parents were in college. They ended up getting married, have four other children and live happily ever after, he is a VP at the company. So she finds not just her parents plus four full siblings. She flies to meet them and everything goes well, she is all excited, her life will be better now, her identity issues are gone. She goes back home and BOOM, they want nothing to do with her. My guess is they think she will want to get her share of their wealth the guy has or maybe they just can't accept someone they have never known who knows but it blows up in her face. She is in worse shape as the rejection reinforces all of her previous problems. I know sometimes it works but sometimes it does NOT. As long as you are prepared for the not then I guess it is ok.

  20. #20
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    Good luck in your search.

    If he was a state trooper, then he should be receiving state retirement benefits and the state is sending a check to some address. But how to get access to that address is beyond my knowledge. It may not be available through official channels, but if you've got a contact in the organization, he might be able to happen to see something on a computer screen.
    If it's too loud, you're too old

  21. #21
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    Well this is a super blast from the past that I dont even remember posting but i have an update kinda... Was able to track him down November of 2018.. He passed away in April of 2011.. So he was already gone by the time I made this post. I have found a niece of his (my cousin?) and that seems to be the only living relative from that side of the family. He was a county sheriff in a different state than I was looking probably the reason I couldn't find him..

    So I guess not much of good update but one none the less....

  22. #22
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    Well at least you have closure, sorry you couldn't meet him though.

  23. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by JongDoe View Post
    Well at least you have closure, sorry you couldn't meet him though.
    You never know, sometimes leaving well enough alone is the right move. I have an adopted niece that found her birth parents who gave her up for adoption when they were in college. They later married and had three other children. He was an executive, her a school teacher so she not only found her parents but three siblings. She lived in Chicago, they lived in Richmond VA. She made contact, flew out to meet them and found out they wanted nothing to do with her. Unfortunately my niece suffers from insecurity and this did some damage.

  24. #24
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    well that's pretty wack, she's their kid, and their sister. Probably a lot of guilt at giving her up in the first place but still, wow.

    Yeah shaggy at least you know it's over, just keep on moving man.

  25. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by bigdude2468 View Post
    You never know, sometimes leaving well enough alone is the right move. I have an adopted niece that found her birth parents who gave her up for adoption when they were in college. They later married and had three other children. He was an executive, her a school teacher so she not only found her parents but three siblings. She lived in Chicago, they lived in Richmond VA. She made contact, flew out to meet them and found out they wanted nothing to do with her. Unfortunately my niece suffers from insecurity and this did some damage.
    That's fucked up. Unless the girl is a complete weirdo, how hard is it to be nice and just have some kind of relationship with her?

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