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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Posts
    9,010

    Anyone who doesn't like onions is an idiot

    Onions rule!
    Every time someone utters the phrase, "I don't like onions," my face crumples up with hate that bubbles up from my pores and escapes through my cracked skin. If there was a service that specialized in punching a massive number of people, I would single-handedly keep them in business by paying for every last anti-onionite to get socked in the eyes.

    I like onions because I'm an adult. You may think you don't like onions, but unless you have the taste perception of a dog, you're full of shit. That's because everything worth eating has onions in it. Don't believe me? Here's a list of foods that onion-haters like, despite the fact that they contain onions:

    •Pizza. Think your rancorous hatred of onions is sated by not ordering them on your pizza? What do you think gives the sauce its flavor, dipshit?

    •Burgers. Patties are seasoned with onion powder. Pull your head out of your ass.

    •Stuffing. Onions make those giant clots of bread worth shoving into your ugly, hateful mouth.

    •Onion rings. Inexplicably, some onion haters will order onion rings, despite the fact that onion rings are made with onions. "Well I don't mind onion rings." So fried onions get to keep their seat in the front of the bus in your world? You know what, don't eat onions; we don't need your charity.

    •Ramen. Wow, more onions. It's almost like onions are in everything. Hmm, where have I heard that? Oh yeah, right at the start of this fucking list.

    •Fried chicken. Keep shoving that breading into your tooth-hole, lardass! The onion-powder in the batter gives your taste buds purpose.

    •Gravy, BBQ, coleslaw, ranch dressing, etc, etc. Onions, onions, onions. Onions make you feel unstoppable.

    Everything has onions in it. I love onions with all my heart and soul. My girlfriend was giving me a piggy-back ride to the grocery store the other day because I didn't want to scuff up my new shoes. She was huffing down the frozen pizza aisle when I overheard some hipster chick saying "Ewww, onions!" I jumped off my woman's back and slid over like a smooth criminal. Her boyfriend shrieked, "dude, what's your problem?" That's when a clerk tossed an onion at me from the produce aisle. I immediately dropped into a handstand and donkey-kicked the onion into the hipster-chick's yapper. She started chewing like a horse and crying tears of joy. She was so happy that she gave me her number, which I drop-kicked out of her hand and into her boyfriend's skull. She asked me how she could ever repay me, and I gave her a stern look. She thought that look meant "suicide." She was right.

    She said "I know what I have to do." Then she waddled over to the houseware aisle, grabbed a potato peeler and started peeling off her own face. Then I watched as she slowly ate her face for the next 15 minutes, piece by piece until she bled to death. Her final words to me were "forgive me." I said "no" in sign language, and then she died.

    By now the manager of the store had come by and said "Sir, you have to leave." But I didn't hear anything because I was thinking about something else. He then got a mop and tried smacking me with it. I ducked like a drunken master, then sprung back up and slammed him in the chin with my butt. He started crying hot salty tears, so I hopped back on my woman's back to ride her off into the sunset. Just then a security guard jumped out in my way. Big mistake. I shook my head and in one solid motion, reached into my pants, took out my balls, and then in super slow motion, I swung them like a sling and smashed his face. It caused severe fractures to the sinus, naso-orbital ethmoid and lacrimal bones. He required extensive surgery and was never able to fully speak again.

    Onions rule.

    http://thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=onions


  2. #2
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    Splat's Garage
    Posts
    3,583
    too long, didn't read

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Posts
    9,010
    No one cares.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    Hell Track
    Posts
    9,693
    I like onions. What do I win?

    I hope it's an onion.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    Under the bridge
    Posts
    2,595
    thought you were becoming AKP.....

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    Splat's Garage
    Posts
    3,583
    Quote Originally Posted by systemoverblow'd View Post
    No one cares.
    exactly......

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    Next door
    Posts
    2,759
    I eat Walla Walla Sweets like goddam apples.

    Wanna make out?
    كافر
    (Infidel)

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    one of those gaper mountain towns
    Posts
    3,049
    Maddox needs to kick Scott Conant square in the nuts!
    Actually, all the Food Network judges could probably do with shot to the nuggs.
    Quote Originally Posted by ilovetoskiatalta View Post
    Dude its losers like you that give ski bums a bad rap.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    northern BC
    Posts
    21,027
    what did you forget to take your meds again SOB?

    Onions dehydrate well I did a bunch of onions last month for a long trip, thro em in a nalgene in the morning with water and you got veggies by dinner which we added to almost every pot of food , but I suggest running the dryer OUTSIDE

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Posts
    10,775
    Quote Originally Posted by Parvo View Post
    I eat Walla Walla Sweets like goddam apples.

    Wanna make out?
    Parvo = 3rdflrglryholhlitosis

  11. #11
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Location
    Truckee & Sonoma
    Posts
    11,949
    I don't like onions raw, but I love them when cooked or grilled or deep fried, etc.

    I forgot about that site - haven't been there in years.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Posts
    9,010
    Quote Originally Posted by TahoeJ View Post
    I forgot about that site - haven't been there in years.
    That's my problem. He stopped updating frequently a long time ago so it goes off my radar. Once a year or so something reminds me of it and then I spend a few hours reading the new content just to forget about it for another year.

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Location
    In a pineapple and wants to ski
    Posts
    1,250
    Killer Onions

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    Dreamland
    Posts
    944
    Fuck off! I've hated onions my entire life. I literally do not like to eat something that has been sitting next to an onion in the fridge. Unfortunately you are right, they do put them in everything. When I ask someone if there are onions in a particular food half the time their response is, "Yes, but you can't even taste them." My standard response is, "Then why the fuck did you put them in there?"
    Gravity Junkie

    How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Location
    Ontario Canada eh
    Posts
    3,959

    DO NOT SACRIFICE YOUR FRIENDS FOR ONIONS


  16. #16
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    Wasatch Back: 7000'
    Posts
    9,999
    in 7th grade I bit into a raw onion. It SUCKED.
    Although, I love me some Buttwheat, these days any reference to his character is racist.
    ďA society that puts equality before freedom will get neither. A society that puts freedom before equality will get a high degree of both.Ē
    ― Milton Friedman

  17. #17
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Location
    Ontario Canada eh
    Posts
    3,959
    Quote Originally Posted by schindlerpiste View Post
    in 7th grade I bit into a raw onion. It SUCKED.
    Although, I love me some Buttwheat, these days any reference to his character is racist.
    Buttwheat is altogether another subject

  18. #18
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    2,199

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Jul 2002
    Location
    Suckramento
    Posts
    19,725
    Whatever happened to Advres? Must be busy banging some southie skanks
    Quando paramucho mi amore de felice carathon.
    Mundo paparazzi mi amore cicce verdi parasol.
    Questo abrigado tantamucho que canite carousel.


  20. #20
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    Location
    An Anheuser-Busch Barley Field
    Posts
    4,714
    Just ask Stanley Yelnats what he thought about onions

    Saved the fuckerís life

  21. #21
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    tetons
    Posts
    7,107
    Name:  IMG_1440.JPG
Views: 367
Size:  9.4 KB
    skid luxury

  22. #22
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Vinyl Valley
    Posts
    1,240
    Quote Originally Posted by east or bust View Post
    Just ask Stanley Yelnats what he thought about onions

    Saved the fucker’s life


    ...and his friend

  23. #23
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Posts
    14,436
    I love onions, cooked, caramelized, sauteed, raw.

    All colors.

    That is all.
    I have been in this State for 30 years and I am willing to admit that I am part of the problem.

  24. #24
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    Splat's Garage
    Posts
    3,583
    Quote Originally Posted by Hott Butt Mud View Post
    too long, didn't read
    Wow, I lol'd at my own reply!

  25. #25
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    Splat's Garage
    Posts
    3,583
    Quote Originally Posted by irul&ublo View Post
    Whatever happened to Advres? Must be busy banging some southie skanks
    You ever see the Dave Portnoy pizza reviews? Advres is "Frankie" the camera man.

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