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  1. #1
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    One year divorced celebration thread or rowdy tales of a misspent year.

    I was legally divorced a year ago today. In honor of this sacred and holy event I am going to share a few tales here. A few of you know me as a long time maggot, some will figure it out, but I am going to go with this “alias” account anyways.


    It had been over 15 years since I had dated. I simply didn’t know how to ask a girl out let alone try and seduce a member of the fairer sex. So I took some maggot advice and signed up on an online dating forum and started emailing girls. I figured at first that I better email tons of women at once and maybe I would get lucky and one of them would want to go out. I really underestimated the appeal a guy without an obvious beer gut and the ability to still comb his hair would offer. Damn near everyone I emailed wanted to go out, and now.

    I was suddenly fitting in dates at lunch, meeting for a beer after work, scheduling another for dinner, another for breakfast, my record at the height of the madness was 6 dates on a Saturday. It was overwhelming, it was a damn job.

    The other problem I had was all of my best closing moves came from you all. Sitting in a hot tub for like 12 hours before reading scriptures and shaking hands goodnight didn’t really seem to be getting me anywhere, and dammit it’s been like a week since I started dating, when is it going to pay off?

    Then a bit of advice from a wise maggot offered over a beer DID payoff, and it wasn’t even intentional. I was told by this sage that the key to getting a girl in bed is to simply wait a bit longer than you think it should take and they take over. Truer words have never been spoken. After about date three with numerous girls they all began to throw themselves at me. I didn’t know what the hell was going on. I was a deer in the headlights of bus full of nubile nakedness. Things got crazy then they got fucking crazy and then things started to fall apart.

    If there is interest in this thread at all I will in due time tell the following stories:

    1- The girl who liked to bite.
    2- The one girl in bed, one knocking on the front door.
    3- The meanest yet most awesome way to get rid of a one night stand ever
    4- The oh shit am I really in a meaningful heartfelt relationship with 4 girls at once?
    5- The foreign exchange student
    6- The foreign exchange students appeal to me to come over again using the words “my younger friend would also like to play”.

    These are just off the top of my head. The basic principle here is that divorce sucks, it fucks with your life and your finances, but there is that first year of crazed debauchery that somehow does its best to even things out for you. Around thanksgiving I quit all the madness, I was quite frankly sick of sex and tired of meaningless dating. I have sort of settled down and am back on an even keel. But god damn have I got some stories and memories that will keep a smile on my face until the grave.

    For those of you recent divorcees, here is my advice: Go crazy, live like you were 20 again, do really stupid shit and damn the consequences. Get it out of your system if you will and think of it as a system reboot. It may not be healthy and it may not be socially acceptable but it was how I got back to normal.

    See you around here with stories….maybe.

  2. #2
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    Feb 2006
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    I'd like to hear more about #6.

  3. #3
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    Bravo to you sir! It's great to see you are no longer frozen out of the dating game.

    I would love to read about all of them.

  4. #4
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    This is better than "What's my Line" The suspense of who this is is killin' me...... {sarcasm}.
    "You damn colonials and your herds of tax write off dressage ponies". PNWBrit

  5. #5
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    Dec 2007
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    Quote Originally Posted by alias View Post
    6 dates on a Saturday
    I found that part particularly amusing.

    #6 sounds interesting, as does #3.

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by assman View Post
    Bravo to you sir! It's great to see you are no longer frozen out of the dating game.
    I see what you did there
    ::.:..::::.::.:.::..::.

  7. #7
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    number 6 please....actually I want to hear them all.
    "I have never been able to properly explain myself in this climate." -H.S.Thompson

    “Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the music at top volume and at least a pint of ether.” -H.S.Thompson

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by assman View Post
    Bravo to you sir! It's great to see you are no longer frozen out of the dating game.

    I would love to read about all of them.
    Hopefully he won't water them down in the retelling.

  9. #9
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    I'd take #3 and #6.

    glad to hear you have thawed out and been slaying the puss like a pro
    Quote Originally Posted by Hohes View Post
    I couldn't give a fuck, but today I am procrastinating so TGR is my filler.
    Quote Originally Posted by skifishbum View Post
    faceshots are a powerful currency
    get paid

  10. #10
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    hope you had a good time, you know you broke those poor little princesses hearts. good on ya

  11. #11
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    So where are you now? playing the Field? Complete melt down? Talking to someone. Seeing someone.

    Have you dated one long enough to meet the teenage son who JUST FUCKING HATES YOU!!?
    Own your fail. ~Jer~

  12. #12
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    Didn't we already get told #3?? Something about lying about the tequila filled night before, but then she gets all apologetic and shit/
    Quote Originally Posted by Tunco perfectly summarizing TGR View Post
    It is like Days of Our Lives', but with retards.

  13. #13
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    yeah buddy. glad to hear it.

    so, ummmm...what happened after episode number 6?

  14. #14
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    Sep 2005
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    Clearly #6 is the winner.
    "fuck off you asshat gaper shit for brains fucktard wanker." - Jesus Christ
    "She was tossing her bean salad with the vigor of a Drunken Pop princess so I walked out of the corner and said.... "need a hand?"" - Odin
    "everybody's got their hooks into you, fuck em....forge on motherfuckers, drag all those bitches across the goal line with you." - (not so) ill-advised strategy

  15. #15
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    Oct 2003
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    Thank god you all are so discrete allowing me to feel comfortable in my internet secret identity.

    MTT - I started dating one and only one girl right at thanksgiving. Mind you even that was done with a bit of flare.

    Here is the first story - How I ended up in a real honest to god serious relationship.

    Its thanksgiving and as any warm blooded bachelor will tell you the holidays are a horrible time to find yourself in a serious committed relationship with 4 girls and playing the field a bit.

    How one gets into this precarious position was for me an innocent, step by step, little by little process that has you waking up in a panic one day wondering just WHO you’re going to spend your turkey day dinner with.

    At the time I was seeing “ tall mean gir” (actual nicknames, real names withheld) for about 2 months, “rich girl” for about 2 months, “static cling” for 1.5 months this time around, and “climber girl” off and on for like 3 months.

    Now in my defense I never once told any of these lovely ladies that we were exclusive, but with any sort of close inspection I knew that they would be furious if they knew I was sleeping with the others. – Yeah, I’m an ass, save it you’re wasting your breath.

    Usually how it happens is you start dating them all roughly at the same time, you hit the sack with one of them and its crazy fun so you do it again, of course you weren’t just dating her so low and behold the night after falling into bed with one girl the other girls you are dating soon follow suit. I guess nothing breeds success like success because when you’re getting some, everyone seems to want a piece.

    This might sound fun, oh morally repugnant of course, but fun, and it is for like a week, maybe two. But then exhaustion starts to kick in. You suddenly find yourself having to wake up from one girl’s house, shower, haul ass to another girls place and start all over again. Some days I simply couldn’t bear the thought of hitting what I once had desired so badly.

    Because, and here’s the thing, a relationship built on a mutual desire to fuck like silly gets pretty stale pretty quick.

    I got to the point that I couldn’t even look at static clings perfect rack and oh so delicate bottom without a sense of dread knowing that I would have to spend the next two hours doing things to her that I am sure are not in the realm of a typical person’s ability to bend. I mean thank god for all the yoga I was doing or I would be handicapped for life.

    I digress.

    Thanksgiving comes and all of them want to have me for dinner. The key to this of course is to be emotionally unavailable, and have problems you are dealing with that make you unable to commit. Any self-respecting woman wouldn’t put up with this shit for a second; thank god I wasn’t dating any of those.

    So my four day thanksgiving weekend went like this:

    Spend Wednesday night with Rich girl. Wake up and drive to static clings place where I'm having dinner at, holy shit, her parents place with her son. Gulp, make a mental note to end this shit STAT. Back to her place for a nap, oh damn she didn’t mean nap, get into crow pose and try and somehow please her for the next 3 hours.

    Leave and head home.

    Rich girl is pissed, she stopped by to say happy turkey day and you were not there. Rich girl has a sweet pad, so head back there and spend the night again. Friday morning wake up and go climbing with climbing girl, over to her place for another nap (when the hell did the word nap mean sex, god damn sometimes I just want to sleep!)

    Then over to tall mean girls place for her turkey dinner. Stay the night.

    Wake up Saturday morning and head over to static clings place. (remind me to tell you why her nickname is static clean, its unbelievable).
    She is cooking dinner at my place Sunday for a few friends and had a surprise for me on Saturday, a day at the spa getting all massaged and buffed. Nice. Stay at her place that night, wake up Sunday morning and head over to my place with static cling in tow. Cook for friends.

    Get REALLY damn drunk.

    Friends leave, take a “nap” with static cling, and send her home.

    Realize your fucking miserable and you honest to god never want to see any of these girls again.

    Send out a bulk text breaking up with all of them. – Yeah, it’s mean but really who wants to break up face to face I have done it and it sucks. Text might seem cruel but it’s fast and convenient. The key is to make sure they don't ever leave anything at your place, and you never leave something with them. Then be fucking brutally honest. I don't want to see you anymore I am seeing someone else I have decided to be with instead. Yeah they are upset, but anything less than that and they keep creeping back.

    Call up the girl you met a few weeks back who has a backbone and a real life and is rather amazing and despite being drunk and her mocking you on the phone for it, have a great conversation.
    One month later I actually committed to dating Just her, and still am. I am delightfully happy despite my last hoorah of debauchery leading up to committing.

    Karma you say may catch up to me. I say it fucking did for 16 years of marriage and god damn it if it isn’t my turn to have fun. I think I just broke, and it took a while to get back to normal. The benefit is, I have some really crazy stories.....
    Here is where this one ends, More to come, maybe.

  16. #16
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    Aug 2007
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    OK, so spill it. Why static cling??? O wait. Static Clean??? WTF
    Quote Originally Posted by leroy jenkins View Post
    I think you'd have an easier time understanding people if you remembered that 80% of them are fucking morons.
    That is why I like dogs, more than most people.

  17. #17
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    Dec 2006
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    I want to hear all of them, but #6 is the clear winner. Good first story by the way; I'm also curious how the six-date Saturday went too.
    Last edited by fool; 03-16-2012 at 06:30 PM.

  18. #18
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    hooray! nice intro story...i am curious about static cling, but i'll be patient.

  19. #19
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    Oct 2003
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    Quote Originally Posted by jmedslc View Post
    hooray! nice intro story...i am curious about static cling, but i'll be patient.
    My guess is that the friction of his tongue and her pubes built up such a charge that he had to hook up a ground wire to be able to remove her hair from his mouth:yourock
    what's so funny about peace, love, and understanding?

  20. #20
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    Oct 2003
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    Quote Originally Posted by alias View Post
    Any self-respecting woman wouldn’t put up with this shit for a second; thank god I wasn’t dating any of those.
    Pure gold.... i snorted....hard.
    It's not so much the model year, it's the high mileage or meterage to keep the youth of Canada happy

  21. #21
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    Nov 2003
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    Please tell me you told them about TGR and they're lurking.

    That would be awesome.

    Good on you, mang. Part of me is jealous, but most of me is happy I don't need to go through that shit (yet?) Now make with the Exchange Student tales.

  22. #22
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    Jun 2006
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    I suspect static cling is because once she sticks to you, you can't get rid of her.

    Thank god my exchange student daughters are in another state.

    I agree it is a constitutional right for Americans to be assholes...its just too bad that so many take the opportunity...
    iscariot

  23. #23
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    Sep 2001
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    Quote Originally Posted by hutash View Post
    I suspect static cling is because once she sticks to you, you can't get rid of her.
    I'd like to think it's a bit more exotic than that obvious explanation. Perhaps we'll find out one day.

  24. #24
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    Oct 2004
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    Quote Originally Posted by alias View Post
    I got to the point that I couldn’t even look at Static Cling's perfect rack and oh so delicate bottom without a sense of dread knowing that I would have to spend the next two hours doing things to her that I am sure are not in the realm of a typical person’s ability to bend. I mean thank god for all the yoga I was doing or I would be handicapped for life.

    I digress.
    My first ever signature Thanks

    So, you are now dating the exchange student?

  25. #25
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    May 2004
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    It's nice to have you back from the world of constant misery and desperation.

    Cheers.
    In with the 9.

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