WMD - Loyalty and duty.

[Shorey]

A friend of 25 years is getting married overseas next month. I'm best man.

Four years ago I decided to start my own company. Finances are still really really tight - to the extent that this month I've not paid my mortgage and haven't taken a salary or paid staff. The business is coming good, but it's a slow burn.

My issue is that I can't pay my mortgage, so how the hell do I justify paying for flights, car hire, associated spends for a wedding?

It's very unlikely that things will pick up to a point where all work costs are covered and I can pay for flights by the time of the wedding. To go, I will have to ignore a more important payment in order to release the funds.

Borrowing is out of the question - I'm actually paying off debts these days and I'm not inclined to ask for more. Besides, with the turbulent nature of the last 18 months, I'd reckon on having a terrible credit score. Also, in the last three years, I've called in favours and promises of my family - it's time to pay that back, not add to the pile.

I tried telling the groom this last week, and before I even spoke it was clear that he is bombed out with stress of work and getting plans in place - I didn't want to add to his woes, I just want to make a firm decision so he can either appoint one of his other close friends or know nothing of my dilema.

How bad is it to bail on the wedding? Am I a complete shit if I do, or am I being sensible?


... to those of you who read this far and still expected a confession of elicit sex and underhand carrying on behind my friend's back...nope, nothing to see here.

[4matic]

I hate weddings..

Tell your friend you can't afford the trip. Period. Did you accept the best man role knowing it was in another country?

Expecting friends to financially burden themselves for a wedding is selfish and inconsiderate.

Don't go.

[RootSkier]

Did you accept the best man role knowing it was in another country?

..........

[Downbound Train]

You should have said no right away.
Now your friend has less than a month to make other plans.

You made the commitment. Now you have to go. You'll find a way to make the extra money. Sell something or get a part time job.

If a guy doesn't have his word, he ain't got shit.

Five years from now, whatever you spent for the wedding won't be bothering you.

[Shorey]

I knew it would be overseas - but that wasn't an issue until our local airline went bust last month and sold out to a bigger carrier.

Right now, with the quarter we've had at work, even a budget airline would be too expensive.

..and then Downbound hits the nail right on the head. Mind you, other plans? He had to reduce attendance from 550 guests to 270 - it won't be too hard for a decent guy with lots of friends to find a stand in.

[bucbanzai]

Tell him the truth.

If the guy thinks enough of you to ask you to be his best man, he will understand. What is the guy going to say if you say 'I am not making my mortgage payments, I can't justify the cost.'?

PS - You could even tell him that once he gets married, these are the kind of decisions adults have to make. Wait till he has to tell his kids 'no' to things that they want.

Good Luck.

[iceman]

If you accepted you gotta go. I don't think I've ever agreed with DBT before. The money thing will work itself out one way or another eventually, if keeping your word puts you over the edge so be it. Just keep the hookers and blow down to a bare minimum.

[MarcusBrody]

I'm getting married overseas this year. If you were one of my friends, I'd try to figure out a way to get you there, but if money was really tight for you, I'd in no way begrudge you for not being able to make it.

[The Reverend Floater]

FWIW, I just went through literally the same scenario.

I went despite finances and it was rad...I have no regrets. You won't either.

[DoWork]

I hate weddings..

Tell your friend you can't afford the trip. Period. Did you accept the best man role knowing it was in another country?

Expecting friends to financially burden themselves for a wedding is selfish and inconsiderate.

Don't go.

Exactly.

I had a friend that was getting married in Colorado, which I was going to until he figured out nobody was making the trip so he rescheduled to MEXICO. That's when I was like "um, no dude. I can't justify going to mexico so you can feel special on your day you've made damn near impossible to attend"

If they want people there, they need to mbe more respectful of peoples' lives. If they want people to come, they need t omake it easier. People who want to be exclusive go to other countries to wed, they shouldn't be surprised if it's too exclusive for 90% of the people they know to show up to.

[bushman]

Dude, if you owe your employees past pay, you must cover that first, if you fuck your staff they will fuck you and your company. That in turn will hasten the circling of the drain. Its a fuckin wedding fer christ sake, I hardly remember mine or who was there.

[grskier]

Man up, tell him you can't afford it.... If it were my wedding I was doing overseas, I would fly my best man in if he needed the help.

[Viva]

In the event that there may be gratuitous hookers and blow at the bachelor party, you owe it to yourself to go. Fuck! I'll go for you.

[Benny Profane]

Dude, if you owe your employees past pay, you must cover that first, if you fuck your staff they will fuck you and your company. That in turn will hasten the circling of the drain. Its a fuckin wedding fer christ sake, I hardly remember mine or who was there.

Yeah, but I'll bet your wife remembers every detail.

[PNWbrit]

Tell him the truth.

If the guy thinks enough of you to ask you to be his best man, he will understand. What is the guy going to say if you say 'I am not making my mortgage payments, I can't justify the cost.'?

PS - You could even tell him that once he gets married, these are the kind of decisions adults have to make. Wait till he has to tell his kids 'no' to things that they want.

Good Luck.

This is good advice.

[BeanDip4All]

Honestly, what sort of friend would want you to go into debt or be stressed financially to attend a party?

skip it... sorry... if you can't afford it, you can't afford it. If he's a good friend, he'll probably be disappointed but understand. If he's a selfish jerk, he'll be pissed... Just be honest and explain your sitch to him, let the chips fall. make it up to him in a few years when you're back on your feet and business is booming, go on a trip with him, extended visit or something, send him a great bottle of scotch.

[mtngirl79]

I am pretty sure its standard wedding etiquette for the bride and groom to pay for travel expenses for the wedding party when they have to travel far for weddings...

So just explain you can't afford it right now...

[skinnyskier]

I would have covered my best man's travel costs if he were in your shoes-it was my brother. If one of the other groomsmen was in a tight spot we just would have had another friend rent a tux for the day. Throw him and his bride a party when it makes sense for everyone.

[advres]

My friend decided to get married in Greece as that is where his parents are from. He was shocked at the amount of people (young 20's) decided they couldn't make the trip. I wasn't in the wedding though. He was upset at the general amount of people that couldn't make it but he understands and we are still great friends. Sorry, but don't put yourself in a bad situation for a freaking wedding. Shit, I missed my brothers wedding, but it was for completely different reasons. If they get pissed, they aren't that good of a friend anyway.

My $.02

[Flyoverland Captive]

Sister married one of my best friends, 1000 miles away. I was broke, and couldn't afford the trip, so I missed it. Got lots of shit from friends and family - but 7 years later, they're divorced, so...

[dan_pdx]

There's really no wrong answer. Or maybe there's no right answer.

Usually I would say that a few years down the road, you won't remember the money but you will remember having a great time at your friend's wedding. But if your business goes under and your home was foreclosed on, then I bet you damn well would remember the money.

Sounds like duty trumps friendship this time around. Bushman is right: gotta pay your employees before paying yourself.

[Mani_UT]

Just tell him you can't afford it.
He is inviting 300 persons and cant afford to fly you in?
When I got married last January I flew 3 persons (including the best man) from oversea because they could not afford it and they were important to me. I just invited less people instead to keep costs in check.

[IslandSnow]

How's that gonna go over at work? "Sorry guys I just don't have the money to pay you what you earned and what I owe you right now. Oh, by the way, I'm gonna be gone for the next week, I'm flying overseas to go to my buddies wedding. I'm sure you guys understand, good luck paying your rent/mortgage and shit."

You have a responsibility to your employees, if you're cool with blowing off your own mortgage payment and salary so you can go to your friends special day that's fine, but it's totally fucked up to not pay your employees and then take a trip overseas at the same time.

Based on your OP, you simply can not afford to go.

[Shorey]

After reading the replies on here, they only served to confirm my own gut instinct.

I have the loyalty of a good - and tiny - staff outfit here for only so long. I have the support of my wife in setting up this company, and I owe it to my daughter to keep a roof over her head.

I jacked on the wedding and made my reasons clear and brief.

My friend spat the dummy, said no way his best man wasn't going to be there and wants to cover my flights.

My pride says reject this offer. Common sense suggests that pride has its place, but I should have no hesitation in accepting. So, I'm going to go.

Can't wait until the effort of setting up this company pays me back!

Maggot advice wins out again. Thank you.

[PassTheDutchie]

After reading the replies on here, they only served to confirm my own gut instinct.

I have the loyalty of a good - and tiny - staff outfit here for only so long. I have the support of my wife in setting up this company, and I owe it to my daughter to keep a roof over her head.

I jacked on the wedding and made my reasons clear and brief.

My friend spat the dummy, said no way his best man wasn't going to be there and wants to cover my flights.

My pride says reject this offer. Common sense suggests that pride has its place, but I should have no hesitation in accepting. So, I'm going to go.

Can't wait until the effort of setting up this company pays me back!

Maggot advice wins out again. Thank you.

In a couple of years when your company is giving 'er hell and making $ hand over fist, return the above favor by taking your buddy on a trip. Everybody wins.