Roommate drama blog

[Parvo]

My roommate is hopefully moving out today. I call her Coach because her biz card says Life Coach… yet she couldn’t coach herself out of a wet paper bag.

Easily the dumbest person I’ve ever met. For example, I had to show Coach where the battery is in her pos car when it wasn’t starting. She had no idea where to even begin looking. The battery was dead and she cried “I don’t have a thousand bucks for a new battery!!!” Her car cost $1,400.

I tried to explain Netflix to her and she just couldn’t get her mind around it and why people don’t just keep the movies instead of returning them. “Because they have your credit card number,” I said. “Ha! I don’t have a credit card so I don’t have to return them!” like she just concocted the best scam since the Nigerian lottery.

She almost burnt the house down leaving a burning candle on her carpet when she was away for the night. Leaves the garage door open all the time, overnight, even though I’ve got about $8k in bikes, skis, boards in there. But when she warms her car up in the morning, she leaves the garage closed. I could go on and on.

The reason she’s moving is because our landlord has to start charging utilities whereas before they were included in the rent. She keeps her gas fireplace cranked 24/7, even when she’s not home, and has her bedroom window open (because she burns incense and it gets too smokey in her apt.). Cranks the house thermostat to 80+ then leaves for work (she’s also a massage therapist). She lives downstairs and I tried to explain to her that by keeping her door closed the heat will stay downstairs, but she insists on keeping it open so the heat from my place goes downstairs. I explained that heat rises. “Where the fuck did you hear that?” she asked, like I was making it up.

Anyway, she’s in the throes of a complete psychotic meltdown that came to a head last night. After receiving a series of bizarre, rambling texts I replied “save ur drama 4 ur momma and GTFO!” She took that as an insult to her mother, who apparently abused her as a child (so she says, but she lies a lot too).

She locked herself in her basement apt and wouldn’t come upstairs discuss the issue (her moving out). Texted me that she’s going to have the neighbors and cops come over to protect her while I’m there. I have several boxes of various ammo that I just bought on my kitchen counter (we share a common entrance and she has to go through my kitchen to go downstairs) and she took that as some type of veiled threat. "ur death bullets don't scare me!" she texted.

My friend is moving in to her place, so she started texting him the same type of bizarre, rambling nonsense. But once she mentioned cops, I dt’d to a friend’s for the night. She said she’ll pack up everything today while I’m at work but if I come home while she’s there she’ll have me arrested for trespassing.

When I came home this morning (to an open garage door) she had already left for work. I went downstairs to get all my shot glasses, wine glasses, beer mugs, etc. that she’s stolen over the last year. She already started packing and on her counter were several hundred packets of laxatives. Not sure if those are meant for me or if she uses them (she may have an eating disorder, Coach is one skinny bitch).

Anyway, hoping to go home after work to a drama-free, Coach-free house. I'll prolly post a little blog on her medical history that she told me all about the day she moved in. It's all horseshit, I'm sure, but very entertaining.

Thank you for your time.

[stoepstyle]

Hahahah. Awesome

[Captain Anal]

Did you bang her?

[Tunco]

She was disappointed in the penis cream?

[dumpy]

Did you bang her?

Beat me to it.

IIRC, this is the one insane woman in Utah that Parvo didn't bang.

[Crock]

she's hot isn't she?

[JayPowHound]

sweet blog. Can you swing some nekked pics before she's gone, or what??

[Cono Este]

The crazy ones are the most fun in bed.

I think I wnat to meet her.

[QuikR12]

she's hot isn't she?

to you, probably.

Entertaining story. Arrested for tresspassing? in your own home. Somebody tell me how that works.

[advres]

I pay a premium to live by myself and not deal with that shit any longer. I could save a TON of cash living with roommates again but I don't. My sanity is more important than money and one day yours will be too.

[Parvo]

Did you bang her?

I don't believe so, but with all the hoes I've been banging she could have easily been mixed in with the rest without me noticing.

Coach is not hot. She looks like a 14 year old boy, so I'm certain some of you prolly would bang her. But she does have a bf that is actually a really cool guy and he seems to think she's pretty. Hot Flight Attendant Ex-Neighbor thought she was beautiful so for about 3 seconds I pondered proposing a drunken threesome.

[Rontele]

So she looks like Justin Bieber? Parvo, you know mine and Jim Rome's theories about 40 somethings with roommates (and wearing Vans).

[SKIORFORGETIT]

keep the stories going about this wack job

[mtngirl79]

girls make terrible roommates and are likely to go insane over very stupid things.. this is why I prefer male roommates...

[gunit130]

fucking awesome.

[Tunco]

Can you post a picture of you wearing her lingerie? That would be amusing.

[BurnHard]

I pay a premium to live by myself and not deal with that shit any longer. I could save a TON of cash living with roommates again but I don't. My sanity is more important than money and one day yours will be too.

Fuck that's exactly what I need to do and I can't get myself to spend that extra money...
Roommates driving me fucking insane, house is a pigsty, several inches of dust and dirt on the floor, I mention vacuuming, roommates says "Where? The place looks clean". Smells great too. Fuck.

But $500/month all inclusive vs. $1000+/month ... that's $6k/year that can go towards hookers & blow.

[advres]

^I wish it was a $500 difference around here

[Danno]

Parvo, you know mine and Jim Rome's theories about 40 somethings with roommates (and wearing Vans).

I wish you'd stop making fun of me. Oh, wait, I don't own any Vans!

[Danno]

FWIW, roommates can be great, some of my best lifelong friends came from random roommates. But bad roommates can be oh so bad. And the older I get, the less I want any (except a special lady friend, of course. And a kid. ).

But it sounds like Parvo's roommate isn't really a roommate, they don't share much common space.

[montanaskier]

nekkid pics....

[Hutch]

You forgot the part about how she wanted your lawyer friend to write your "Jew landlord" a letter objecting to his charging her for utilities. Please update the condition of your place after you get home.

[OSECS]

Did you bang her?

Show some class man. The proper, polite form of the question is "did ya' schtoop her ?"

[Helldawg]

Roommates, lol! You poor people are funny.

[Parvo]

You forgot the part about how she wanted your lawyer friend to write your "Jew landlord" a letter objecting to his charging her for utilities. Please update the condition of your place after you get home.

There's a lot I haven't included because there is so much. She has also threatened to break a bunch of shit so the place is unlivable for my friend moving in. BTW, letter done?

This house is fucking dope, and I pay super cheap rent (for Park City), fully-furnished with high-end shit, and basically have the place to myself. The downstairs is like a mother-in-law apt so all we share is the washer/dryer and garage. Really nice hot tub on the back deck that Coach never used because she “doesn’t know how to work it”. One of the funny things about Coach is most of her lies are easily researched, and are usually totally random bullshit that just spew from her mouth without provocation. These are among some of her gems just off the top of my head that she’s not only told me, but also my friends when they're at the house…

1. She won the nat’l spelling bee several times.
2. Her medical cases have been covered in “all the major medical journals and shit”.
3. Her dad is in the Stuntman Hall of Fame and also sexually abused her daily growing up.
4. She invented some type of hat.
5. She's traveled the world (but has never had a passport until she went to Thailand last Nov.)
6. She’s written several books of erotica.
7. She made a documentary about the Seattle grunge scene.
8. She got her masters at Evergreen State but doesn’t remember in what because she was partying so much.
9. She invented a new kind of acid that only the government has the recipe to. Her friend stole the recipe and sold it to Uncle Sam.
10. She’s been declared legally dead several times (her medical history deserves its own blog)
11. John Travolta and his male lover fly in to Park City all the time to have her massage them (I almost believe this one).

She also told me that she grew up thinking her name was “Stupid Cunt” because that’s what her parents called her. Until the first day of school when the teacher was taking attendance, she didn’t say “here” when her name was called, because she didn’t know her real name. She was waiting for "Stupid Cunt? Stupid Cunt are you here?". She’s told some pretty horrific childhood stories that I don’t believe. I did meet her mom, who it turns out I bought radio advertising from when I was at another ski resort years ago. She’s fucking batshit crazy too… but with enormous breasts. Coach is built like a 2x12 plank.