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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    Hood River, OR
    Posts
    657

    --WORLD'S GREATEST RAPE VAN--

    This has been an extremely tough decision, but I need to finally part with the sweetest project vehicle I have ever owned. I poured countless hours of my time, money, heart, and bodily fluids into the creation of this masterpiece, and while it brings a tear to my eye to see it go, I want it to live on in the rarified heights (Abasin's Beach?) that drove it's creation...

    What you are looking at is a 1991 AWD Chevy Astro van that has been painstakingly built to be perhaps the greatest rolling party mansion on wheels.

    Before we get into what makes this van so unique, I will let you know some of the more mundane details. First, it’s got 122,xxx miles on it and is AWD and an automatic. It comes with two studded and two non-studded snow tires, (if you want the new AT tires listed in my other post we can work a deal). The van was running great last winter, until it began to develop a bit of a transmission leak. I was told by a mechanic that it needed a new seal that was a cheap part, but a bit of an involved process to install. Since I’m a broke grad student, and not into working on cars, my parents graciously helped me buy a reliable truck and the van has sat ever since. I know that it will need a new battery since the current one is dead (although I did jump it the other day).

    Now, on to the awesome…

    As you can clearly see, the van features an amazing paint job done in early TRON. Its garish colors, mean stance, and throaty rumble announce that the party is about to smack you in the face like an 8 ball of colombia’s finest every time it enters the neighborhood.

    The windows, which feature both drapes AND blinds help to conceal any number of illicit (or licit) activities inside this boner on wheels.



    As we move into the palacial confines of this rolling tenement, the astute observer is greeted by the sight of the world’s greatest dream catcher (included at no additional cost to the buyer), which is perfect because you’re going to be catching a lot of dreams (and possibly VDs) from the sluts that you entice into the back…



    Speaking of the back, welcome to the most amazing part of this van. I like to imagine it as some sort of mobile LODO loft, replete with fine velvet drapes, softly carpeted walls, discrete mood-ligthing, and a currently non-functional 8-track cassette player for all of the Barry Manilow and Al Green you can stomach. Best of all, the van has been tastefully modernized with real (fake) mahogany (fake oak) floors.



    The astute observer will note the storage bin/ bench/ sleeping platform in the rear of the van. Characterized by a beautifully crafted pass through for ski’s, fishing poles, or your massive dong, as well as another mammoth storage compartment to hide your courvasier and/or dead hooker collection, the most delightful feature of this piece is the fact that the lit is ingeniously hinged to fold forward onto the swiveling! Captain’s chair in order to form a California King (more like a full) sized bed. This my friends, is truly where the magic happens…



    PRICE: $900
    I would truly love to see this beauty go to the kind of mechanically inclined and creative soul who will take it to it’s full potential. For this reason, I am advertising it here for a lower price than I will be trying to get on Craigslist. Creativity and passion may be rewarded with a discounted price, especially if I feel that it is going to a good home, and you agree to abide by the stipulation that I can drink a cheap PBR in the back of it if I see it out at the trailhead/ ski resort parking lot. Gentlemen, start thy engines!

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Location
    The Mayonnaisium
    Posts
    7,029
    Fantastic ad.

  3. #3
    gunit130 Guest
    For real man?

    1991 and only 122,000 miles?

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Location
    Colorado
    Posts
    196
    I like it, but the wife shot down the idea before I finished showing her the post. I'll have to see if I can hide it somewhere.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Posts
    1,738
    possibly the best classified ad i have ever seen except for those wolf t-shirt ones
    well done...
    what's orange and looks good on hippies?

    fire

    rails are for trains
    If I had a dollar for every time capitalism was blamed for problems caused by the government I'd be a rich fat film maker in a baseball hat.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    YetiMan
    Posts
    10,665

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    monument
    Posts
    5,340
    oh snap, my wallets thin, and i love tron.
    In search of the elusive artic powder weasel ...

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    en route
    Posts
    140
    any free candy to sweeten the deal?

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Location
    Somewhere else
    Posts
    3,587
    Ok, this is stupid (because I have a car... and I live in Calgary), but I'm actually interested.

    Any idea on the rough cost for the shop to do the transmission repair you speak of? I'm not handy enough to attempt this myself, and would have to drive it back here anyway.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    North Vancouver/Whistler
    Posts
    11,273
    I'd almost buy the damn thing just because of your ad

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Location
    SLUT
    Posts
    3,352
    oh fuck i want that. looking for a mountain bike?

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    TC
    Posts
    539
    pretty hard to overlook the worlds greatest dream catcher.
    ...because warm beer is infinitely colder than no beer.

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Alta/Bird
    Posts
    1,305
    A van that catches dreams and also rapes?

    If you can't dig it, you ain't got no shovel

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Location
    Where everything's a dollar
    Posts
    2,540
    Great ad, but you might want to consider cleaning the bird shit off the window...or maybe that's a lovely parting gift from an enticed slut?
    The Sheriff is near!

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    Bothell
    Posts
    307
    Most excellent job on the post sah! A++++++!!!! Would read again!!!!!
    Quote Originally Posted by gwat View Post
    Skiing without poles is like getting a blow job from a guy. It feels great till you look down and realize you're gay.

  16. #16
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Location
    BZ
    Posts
    241
    Somebody buy this thing so that I don't have to. It is truly sex on wheels. The transmission repair isn't that bad if you know someone with a lift. Unfortunately the only person I know with one is my father-n-law, and he would never let this thing in his garage. This is not the kind of vehicle you want to see your daughter in.
    Keep your tips up and always remember to unhook your pack from the chair...

  17. #17
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Location
    Denver, CO
    Posts
    4,342
    Do you know if it's the tranny fluid pan, transmission cooling unit line or the transfer case seal?

  18. #18
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    utar
    Posts
    2,749
    Rape Van: False, too many windows. But it has true stalker potential.

    P.S. Like the dream catcher, catching the shattered dreams of your victims.
    Quote Originally Posted by SpinalTap View Post
    I'm really troubled by whatever pictures the Don had to search through to arrive at that one...

  19. #19
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    soaring on the shitwinds
    Posts
    7,308
    PAGING JONG SLAUGHTER TO THE RAPE VAN COURTESY PHONE...
    "If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is a compromise." -Robert Fritz

    Quote Originally Posted by skifishbum View Post
    not enough nun fisters in that community

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Location
    LV-426
    Posts
    15,672
    More photos?

    Any rust?

    Any other known mechanical issues?
    Quote Originally Posted by powder11 View Post
    if you have to resort to taking advice from the nitwits on this forum, then you're doomed.

  21. #21
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    ANC / ADQ
    Posts
    2,629
    Awesome van!

    and that is a fantastic advertisement, will you part out for that Dreamcatcher?

    I would love to see JongSlaughter's mug peering out of that window

    Good Luck on the sale

  22. #22
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Location
    Ketchum, ID
    Posts
    83
    It's a rolling No-Tell Mo-tel

  23. #23
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Sacramento, CA
    Posts
    367
    Oh man. That 2nd pic had me laughing out loud.

  24. #24
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Denver
    Posts
    1
    I tell you what...I have a kilo of columbian bam bam I am willing to trade with you if you donate the van to the sandy banks of the Platte River. At that point, we can take turns doing lines of blow off of Colfax hooker's assess before raping them while blasting Stranglehold on the stereo

  25. #25
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    where the beer flows like wine
    Posts
    2,395
    there's something similar cruising around missoula with an observation bubble on the top and an air brush paint job.
    Big skis from small companies at Backcountry Freeskier

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