--WORLD'S GREATEST RAPE VAN--

**Sinfield** · 10-14-2010, 07:48 PM

This has been an extremely tough decision, but I need to finally part with the sweetest project vehicle I have ever owned. I poured countless hours of my time, money, heart, and bodily fluids into the creation of this masterpiece, and while it brings a tear to my eye to see it go, I want it to live on in the rarified heights (Abasin's Beach?) that drove it's creation...

What you are looking at is a 1991 AWD Chevy Astro van that has been painstakingly built to be perhaps the greatest rolling party mansion on wheels.

Before we get into what makes this van so unique, I will let you know some of the more mundane details. First, it’s got 122,xxx miles on it and is AWD and an automatic. It comes with two studded and two non-studded snow tires, (if you want the new AT tires listed in my other post we can work a deal). The van was running great last winter, until it began to develop a bit of a transmission leak. I was told by a mechanic that it needed a new seal that was a cheap part, but a bit of an involved process to install. Since I’m a broke grad student, and not into working on cars, my parents graciously helped me buy a reliable truck and the van has sat ever since. I know that it will need a new battery since the current one is dead (although I did jump it the other day).

Now, on to the awesome…

As you can clearly see, the van features an amazing paint job done in early TRON. Its garish colors, mean stance, and throaty rumble announce that the party is about to smack you in the face like an 8 ball of colombia’s finest every time it enters the neighborhood.

The windows, which feature both drapes AND blinds help to conceal any number of illicit (or licit) activities inside this boner on wheels.

As we move into the palacial confines of this rolling tenement, the astute observer is greeted by the sight of the world’s greatest dream catcher (included at no additional cost to the buyer), which is perfect because you’re going to be catching a lot of dreams (and possibly VDs) from the sluts that you entice into the back…

Speaking of the back, welcome to the most amazing part of this van. I like to imagine it as some sort of mobile LODO loft, replete with fine velvet drapes, softly carpeted walls, discrete mood-ligthing, and a currently non-functional 8-track cassette player for all of the Barry Manilow and Al Green you can stomach. Best of all, the van has been tastefully modernized with real (fake) mahogany (fake oak) floors.

The astute observer will note the storage bin/ bench/ sleeping platform in the rear of the van. Characterized by a beautifully crafted pass through for ski’s, fishing poles, or your massive dong, as well as another mammoth storage compartment to hide your courvasier and/or dead hooker collection, the most delightful feature of this piece is the fact that the lit is ingeniously hinged to fold forward onto the swiveling! Captain’s chair in order to form a California King (more like a full) sized bed. This my friends, is truly where the magic happens…

PRICE: $900
I would truly love to see this beauty go to the kind of mechanically inclined and creative soul who will take it to it’s full potential. For this reason, I am advertising it here for a lower price than I will be trying to get on Craigslist. Creativity and passion may be rewarded with a discounted price, especially if I feel that it is going to a good home, and you agree to abide by the stipulation that I can drink a cheap PBR in the back of it if I see it out at the trailhead/ ski resort parking lot. Gentlemen, start thy engines!

**Mazderati** · 10-14-2010, 08:02 PM

Fantastic ad.

gunit130 · 10-14-2010, 08:04 PM

For real man?

1991 and only 122,000 miles?

**azexp** · 10-14-2010, 08:10 PM

I like it, but the wife shot down the idea before I finished showing her the post. I'll have to see if I can hide it somewhere.

**waxman** · 10-14-2010, 08:29 PM

possibly the best classified ad i have ever seen except for those wolf t-shirt ones
well done...

**ill-advised strategy** · 10-14-2010, 08:29 PM

it's not a rape van it's a spy van!

**pfluffenmeister** · 10-14-2010, 08:41 PM

oh snap, my wallets thin, and i love tron.

**EC/BC** · 10-14-2010, 09:05 PM

any free candy to sweeten the deal?

**Shorty_J** · 10-14-2010, 10:04 PM

Ok, this is stupid (because I have a car... and I live in Calgary), but I'm actually interested.

Any idea on the rough cost for the shop to do the transmission repair you speak of? I'm not handy enough to attempt this myself, and would have to drive it back here anyway.

**LeeLau** · 10-14-2010, 10:29 PM

I'd almost buy the damn thing just because of your ad

**ectreeskier11** · 10-14-2010, 10:31 PM

oh fuck i want that. looking for a mountain bike?

**Spartacus087** · 10-15-2010, 01:59 AM

pretty hard to overlook the worlds greatest dream catcher.

**StopMakingSense** · 10-15-2010, 04:41 AM

A van that catches dreams and also rapes?

**Garth Bimble** · 10-15-2010, 07:08 AM

Great ad, but you might want to consider cleaning the bird shit off the window...or maybe that's a lovely parting gift from an enticed slut?

**klaxed** · 10-15-2010, 08:13 AM

Most excellent job on the post sah! A++++++!!!! Would read again!!!!!

**inthemtns** · 10-15-2010, 08:27 AM

Somebody buy this thing so that I don't have to. It is truly sex on wheels. The transmission repair isn't that bad if you know someone with a lift. Unfortunately the only person I know with one is my father-n-law, and he would never let this thing in his garage. This is not the kind of vehicle you want to see your daughter in.

**Poop~Ghost** · 10-15-2010, 09:20 AM

Do you know if it's the tranny fluid pan, transmission cooling unit line or the transfer case seal?

**TheDon** · 10-15-2010, 09:55 AM

Rape Van: False, too many windows. But it has true stalker potential.

P.S. Like the dream catcher, catching the shattered dreams of your victims.

**DoWork** · 10-15-2010, 11:46 AM

PAGING JONG SLAUGHTER TO THE RAPE VAN COURTESY PHONE...

**El Chupacabra** · 10-15-2010, 11:52 AM

More photos?

Any rust?

Any other known mechanical issues?

**DeathVan** · 10-15-2010, 12:16 PM

Awesome van!

and that is a fantastic advertisement, will you part out for that Dreamcatcher?

I would love to see JongSlaughter's mug peering out of that window

Good Luck on the sale

**mikebreen** · 10-15-2010, 01:09 PM

It's a rolling No-Tell Mo-tel

**serge944** · 10-15-2010, 01:48 PM

Oh man. That 2nd pic had me laughing out loud.

**Pibbers** · 10-15-2010, 02:27 PM

I tell you what...I have a kilo of columbian bam bam I am willing to trade with you if you donate the van to the sandy banks of the Platte River. At that point, we can take turns doing lines of blow off of Colfax hooker's assess before raping them while blasting Stranglehold on the stereo