Meet the Maggots

[Yossarian]

By popular demand, the Welcome Wagon once more.


To all of you that have just found the TGR Forums:

Welcome to one of the zaniest, craziest, coolest places on the entire net, and the ultimate haven for hard-chargin', story-writin', zappa recitin', flame-throwin', 24-7-365 thinkin' (about skiin' and boardin', anyway), gear-debatin', pow-ridin' people in the world!

Before you get started here you may want to read the following thoughts by some of the regulars around here. I have no idea what they'll say, and threads around here sometimes degrade pretty quickly, but nevertheless, reading this will quite likely help you ease your way into what may become your second worst addiction, if you're anything like us. Just remember, at least you get to keep your teeth. A few nuggets of "wisdom" before the Referee calls a penalty or the Angry Whelk spews on you from above:

1. Very little is done in moderation here...
...including moderation itself. This place - although hosted and maintained by Teton Gravity Research and the constant contributions of the TGR webmonkeys - has little active moderation. Owens Never Sleeps, the webguy, Frozen, or most likely the The Suit or Advres will throw down when absolutely needed (do not trifle with them, for they are killers), but the rest of time, we're on our own. As a result, we've become (for the most part) a wholly self-regulating entity. If you put up something nasty, or worse, something truly heinious and criminal, we're going to track you down in the real world. It's happened before, and it'll happen again. The combined sleuthing prowess of this place is actually a little scary. This also means that we, as a group, are responsible for the quality and nature of the dialogue. So, while I can tell you to [American Pie]suck me beautiful[/Pie], you Jerk-Off-Newbie-Gaper (and if I don't, someone else probably will at one point or another), too much of that kind of thing gets old pretty fast (although it does help us get through the summers. If it's summer, and you just started reading, do yourself a favor and come back around October.) Speaking of chestbeating, that brings me to...

2. Its only an internet chat room.
So don't get your dainty little panties in a big nasty wad. Sometimes - actually MOST of the time - we ride people pretty hard for stupid crap they say, do, and so on. That's just how it is around here. Don't like it? Grow a spine or go away. No wanking allowed. Don't bother trying to change the place; either learn to live with the atmosphere, or just go the hell away. If it's one person in particular you don't *heart*, just use your Ignore List. But whatever you do, DON'T FEED THE TROLLS looking for a reaction. Quite often the best response is no response. All that said...

3. Its not just an internet chat room.
The thing is, this isn't your ordinary chat room. Not anymore. This Board is filled by writers (budding and pro, Powder Magazine, and vitriolic Joe), photographers (amateur, up-and-coming, and old guard), pro freeskiers, aspiring freeskiers, backcountry riders, heli-guides, engineers, lawyers, programmers, doctors, students, drop-outs, high schoolers, new schoolers, old schoolers (and future schoolers?), knee-droppers, lift operators, party hoppers, tourons, morons, and bombshell blonds (although it's always nice to have a few more of those). More importantly, many (if not most) of us have skied together, partied together, and slept on each other's floors as a direct result of this place. Those who haven't probably will soon enough. For looking like an anonymous internet chat room, this place is actually a very well connected community. Don't be deceived! This place is as real as anything out there in the real world. And we're everywhere too. West Coast, East Coast, North Side, South Side, Cali, Washington, OOtah, NYC, Beantown, New Zealand, Austria, France, and more. Which is exactly why you should never, I repeat...

4. Never judge this book by its cover.
Beause you just don't know who you may be talking to. And that, combined with #1, #2, and #3, makes for truly hilarious situations. Many years ago, we had a long running joke with industry icons Shane McConkey and Scott Gaffney about their behavior behind closed doors, at least until Gaffney kicked McShlonkey out in a vicious lover's spat ; but they slagged back at us too. I'm afraid I once ribbed (very lightly, but with no lubrication...) one of the most accomplished ski mountaineers in the country, and he hasn't been around since. Oh well. Guess it just wasn't his style; maybe he prefers studded? I'm not saying that it's all childish, immature stuff that goes on here. There's actually a GOLDMINE of intellectual, soul-stirring, heart-warming, stoke-provoking posts here. But you have to find the gems amongst the noise. And to really get it, you've got to engage. To read and write, to participate, to debate with some intelligence, to create something new. To add to the community, to build it up and not to break it down. In short, to give before you are able to receive. That's because...

5. There's a bit of history here.
I'm not going to over do it - in the end, we're all still just a bunch of snow-loving interweb weirdos (and yeah, if you're wondering, we get some pretty strange looks from people when they ask where we're from, and we tell them "the internet"), but a lot of stuff has gone down in this community in the past six years. We've made our own t-shirts, produced stickers, and have shwag for sale. We raised money to support Silverton Mountain when it was just getting going. We've raised cash for charitable causes many times over and collected gear for a friend of a friend of a friend whose house burned down (we even got a little thank you at the end of a ski flick for that one). We've sent two cancer survivers heli-skiing, by donation. We designed the AK No Ka Oi's, and we spawned PMGear, producers of the BroModel ski. We've had multiple annual "Summit" gatherings (read: 50+ person parties!) from Utah to British Columbia to Tahoe to Jackson, and we've had countless nutty mini-summits on Mt. Hood, up in the bEast, Chamonix, and elsewhere. We've been written up in Powder Magazine, and these days it seems like Maginions (Powdermaggots + miniONS = Maginions) are popping up in movies and big mountain comps everwhere you look. These days, there's a maggot in every magazine. We've seen people quit their jobs to pursue the dream, and we've seen people get new jobs and leave it behind (although, not for long, we hope). We've seen people get injured, and we've seen them make a comeback. We've seen people get married, produce mini-Minions , and sadly, we've even lost some of our own to the white room in the sky (RIP GSpot, Demolition Woman, and Plakespear).

Point being, this community, like the magazine that spawned it, is truly "For Skiers [and Riders!], By Skiers [and Riders!]." If you wake up in the middle of July, sweating not because of the heat, but rather, because of the sheer intensity of your desire to get back to ripping knee-deep powder; if you can form complete sentences and articulate your thoughts, then we want you and your creative juices here. And if you're a hot 6' blond named Victoria, we want pictures too. Naked ones. Lot's of them.

Anyway, that's what's I've got. Now, shut your cake-hole for a little while , and read before you post! Remember, post first, then smoke crack. Or is it the other way around? I can never remember.

Much luv to the Minions.

EDIT: READ the rest of the thread, these jokers actually put some good info in here, imagine that!

[Telenater]

Very well reprised...

That still is the best introduction to this little corner of the internet/ski world.

But, you forgot to include dentist in the list of professions.

[Tap]

fukkin' AMEN to that!

[Buster Highmen]

We are gross and perverted
We're snow obsessed 'n deranged
We have skied for years
But very little has changed
We're the tools of the ski media
And ski industry too
For we are destined to rule
And regulate you

We may be vile and pernicious
When we bend the knees
We make you think we're delicious
With the stuff that we skis
We're the best you can get
Have you guessed us yet?
We're the slime oozin' out
Of the Internet

You will obey us while we guide you
And ski garbage that we slide you
Until the day that we don't ride you
Don't go for help . . . no one will hide you
Your secret stash is avie controlled
And all the gapers have been told
And you will ski as you are told
Until the rights to you are sold

That's right, folks . . .
Don't touch that mouse

Well, we are the slime from the internet
Oozin' along on your monitor screen

We are the slime from the internet
Just read some more and we'll make you scream.
....

(apologies to FZ)

[Tap]

(apologies to FZ)

I think you'd make him proud. That is damn fine work, BH.

[iceman]

Nice, Yo.

And as a lagniappe, FM steeze, yo!

...shoulda said somethin' about the whelk and thelonius, though...

edit: make this bitch sticky, ONS!

[gonzo]

word to the mummyfucker!

[hop]

future school represent!!!

[Sublime]

This is such a cool place.

[Karl Stall]

This document was an indispensible guide through jongdom for me. Unfortunately, I am still a few credits shy of graduation.



MAKE your first post MEMORABLE...

[yogachik]

sticky!

and, please edit to add that we are also snowboarders, not just skiers in this community.

[watersnowdirt]

nicely said, Yoss.

(and ditto Yogachick!)

ah, makes me proud to be here reading that.

[Yossarian]

sticky!

and, please edit to add that we are also snowboarders, not just skiers in this community.

fuggin right, done and done!

So gang, where's your nuggies of "wisdom" for the newbs?
Underwear goes on the inside?

[Crinkle]

the new call out for stupid newbie questions on the board will be :

WELCOME WAGON JONG!!



nice work yoteus.

[Buster Highmen]

Wax regularly.

[Yossarian]

Wax regularly.

Brazilian?

[el_jefe]

So gang, where's your nuggies of "wisdom" for the newbs?

go _that_ way - really fast. if something gets in your way, TURN.

[laseranimal]

must make sticky

always remember post first, then smoke crack

[Buster Highmen]

Brazilian?

The horror and beauty of reality is that we first filter it through ourselves.

[Yossarian]

The horror and beauty of reality is that we first filter it through ourselves.

Heh. Touche. Well played, Mr. Bust-Her-Hymen, well played.

[SnowyOwl]

We are gross and perverted
We're snow obsessed 'n deranged
We have skied for years
But very little has changed
We're the tools of the ski media
And ski industry too
For we are destined to rule
And regulate you

We may be vile and pernicious
When we bend the knees
We make you think we're delicious
With the stuff that we skis
We're the best you can get
Have you guessed us yet?
We're the slime oozin' out
Of the Internet

You will obey us while we guide you
And ski garbage that we slide you
Until the day that we don't ride you
Don't go for help . . . no one will hide you
Your secret stash is avie controlled
And all the gapers have been told
And you will ski as you are told
Until the rights to you are sold

That's right, folks . . .
Don't touch that mouse

Well, we are the slime from the internet
Oozin' along on your monitor screen

We are the slime from the internet
Just read some more and we'll make you scream.
....

(apologies to FZ)

compiling again, are we?

[PlayHarder]

So gang, where's your nuggies of "wisdom" for the newbs?

Naked pics of sisters/wives/gf's will dramatically speed up advancing past the jongin stage.

'Nuther nice intro, gramps.

[p-tex]

It took me one whole year to nut up and post. Still don't much but DAMN good revival of the original W.W.

Here, here Yos!

[Shake Zula]

Maybe a section should be added that defines a JONG.

[Commissioner]

With the first pick on the 2004/2005 league draft, the Pawtucket Penis-Rings select...Yossarian!

Upon arriving at rookie training camp, there are a few things to keep in mind.

1.) Use the search function. You may have to be creative when using it as many words are removed to keep the server happy. For example "B3" will not yeild any results because it's too short. Instead try searching "Rossi Bandit" and sift through the results.

2.) If you're trying to sell gear here, don't expect to get market prices...unless you're willing to trade gonzo for a router. The standard maggot/minion pricing paradigm is 50% retail price (not MSRP) - 10% per year old - Condition (times drilled, core shots, delams...etc) + Rare/High-demand item. League veteran schuss said it best, "TGR is not the place to get the best money for your gear. You know those deal guys who get tons of skis mad cheap because they're always looking? You just stumbled upon a few thousand of em."

3.) Sarcasm is the beer that flows like wine here. Before you decide to engage in flame warfare, check the remark you're pissed about for sarcasm. Getting into a flame war your first week is a sure way for you to ostricise yourself and get turned off to the board.

4.) Don't feed the trolls & don't argue with aliases. It's like jerking yourself off with sandpaper. Sure it'll give you something to do, but in the end you'll just be left with chaffed genitals.

Hopefully this will help you to enjoy your stint in rookie training camp and go on to have a healthy career here. I'm The Commissioner, and I approve this message.