Dating someone with mental illness...

**QuikR12** · 03-24-2010, 02:53 PM

wow, well that sheds some light... She could grow out of it, but it sounds like a deep seeded issue if you think she's getting wasted because of something in her past. If she's just an ass-out, yeah, probably grow out of that, but it sounds more serious than that.

**krp8128** · 03-24-2010, 03:07 PM

age?

1234

**A-wreck** · 03-24-2010, 03:09 PM

Shes out of rehab...

I supported the fuck out of her when she was there...
I even managed to not cheat on her for the 3 months she was there

I meticulously packed all of her shit ... wrapped it up in newspaper and moved it to her dads basement... thats all the support he really gives... aside from taking her to church on sundays...

shes been out of rehab for a week and has yet to call the place shes supposed to se a therapist at... she always has some excuse for not calling and making an appointment with this therapist...

Now shes living with me and her dad is hoping im going to be able to corral her into a normal life

**rideit** · 03-24-2010, 03:11 PM

"deep seeded".

Ah, the imagery....

**ill-advised strategy** · 03-24-2010, 03:12 PM

I basically second ZZZ's post.

I would add this though, if you aren't sure and you want to feel like you did your best and made a good decision...you may consider really trying to box her into living well, eating well, being really stable with your lives, good exercise, no drinking/drugs and see how that goes. In other words if you've tried your best to control for the external stuff pushing her behaviors to extremes and she's still not stable...you're looking at a lot of long term trouble because the true source of turmoil is in her mind. Then the question is: in your life, do you want a patient or a partner? One is not the other.

Helping your partner through tough times is not the same as being some ticking time bomb's rescue system/caretaker. You have to make an assessment of what/who you're dealing with, and what you want out of your life and go from there.

At the same time, it sounds like she's pretty young and maybe just likes to party. I say tone the partying and energy down a notch and see what you're dealing with...then go from there.

+vibes+

**XXX-er** · 03-24-2010, 03:13 PM

Originally Posted by A-wreck

Its pretty much all on me..
Without me.. i seriously believe she will wind up dead.. raped and beaten in an alley

maybe if you were married with small kids or SFT you might think you NEED to take it (been there)

BUT,at this point you don t really need to take it

sooner or later you will decide you CAN T take it

**mmmthmtskier** · 03-24-2010, 03:20 PM

Originally Posted by A-wreck

ok so... Shes an incredibly smart and articulate girl who goes to the University Of Michigan..

Shes also retardedly hott...

Be honest with yourself: If she wasn't so attractive, would you even be considering doing any of the things you are doing for her now/in the future?

**A-wreck** · 03-24-2010, 03:22 PM

Originally Posted by YetiMan

I
I would add this though, if you aren't sure and you want to feel like you did your best and made a good decision...
+vibes+

This is the heaviest thing weighing on me...
5... 10 years down the road... someone might say..
"she wouldnt have OD'd if you hadnt given up...."

I guess its my own threshold that will tell me when enough is enough...
Sometimes I wish i was a total prick and didnt give a shit... And could walk away guilt free

**ill-advised strategy** · 03-24-2010, 03:28 PM

Maybe then see if you can get into a nice stable routine...see if she doesn't benefit from that. If nothing else, maybe you can get her into some better habits and a more stable lifestyle so you have an easier time breaking up.

I don't know, just brainstorming.

**Platinum Pete** · 03-24-2010, 03:31 PM

She's only going to get her shit under control if she wants to and it sounds like she doesn't want to. Maybe if you walk or threaten to walk it may serve as a wake up call or a "reason" to get better - but being someone's reason is uncomfortable, temporary, and imbalanced so don't expect that to work for long. If it works long enough for her to get into and embrace a treatment process to address the whole bag of tricks then great, if not then it's still her choice to go up in flames. Big thing for you is to take care of yourself first - don't let her hold you back, cost you more than you can afford to lose on a girl, or burnout any of the good things about you and make you bitter or cynical.

**frozenwater** · 03-24-2010, 03:32 PM

Dude, your living with her out of guilt and fear of what may happen to her if left to her own devices.

NOT what a long term healthy foundation is based on. When asked 20 years down the road why you stayed with her - is that answer going to give you happiness?

Isn't there room for you to be happy in this world? Maybe she is using you as a crutch. maybe she can't stand on her own until you are not there to catch her. Tough love.

Not a girl, but I went through this with my brother. It ended with me in therapy, and really fucked with my career and family.

Don't go down this path.

**mock vomit** · 03-24-2010, 03:36 PM

Yes, recent experience...

-With what you describe, my amateur diagnosis is she is unlikely to ever be what you or I would call "normal"... have heard story after story of those who have it that bad when young of passing away in 30's or 40's from it.

-Because of the refusal to follow post release recomendations, I'm 1,000,000% certain that she is ZERO percent cured/recovered. I'd put the chance at relapse at that same 1,000,000%. It's likely they also recommended a halfway house, and since you've not mentioned it... sounds like she refused that? She'll NEED minimum of 90 days of EVERY DAY AA meetings... and more.

-Until she hits a "rock bottom" for her, she won't find HER OWN motivation to work it out... know that the "alley" and such scenario is very much a possiblity, both WITH or WITHOUT you involved.

-If you marry her, and have kids... first, your kids have hudge chances to have same struggles. You OK with that? Next, WHEN (not IF) you get divorced... you'll likely become her "financial provider", and even possibily for life. Yes, it happens.

My thoughts... a) plan to just be a "friend", NOT with benefits... stay the hell away from marriage and kids etc. FOREVER (meaning she gets her own place soon) -or- b) tell her you'll give her one more chance, if she doesn't seek help now or blows it again (which she will), the relationship is done. But then you HAVE to walk. I'm guessing you'll find out that you love her more than she loves you...

+++++VIBES+++++

(and who gives a fuck what I predict or think BTW)

**Dantheman** · 03-24-2010, 03:41 PM

If you really think she is bipolar/manic-depressive you need to get her some professional psychiatric help, medication specifically. I had a good friend in high school whose mom was diagnosed as bipolar after we graduated. She got on some appropriate meds and the turnaround in her life was dramatic. Rehab will likely not help, the substance abuse is merely a symptom of her underlying disease.

**Conundrum** · 03-24-2010, 03:49 PM

Focus her energy on blow jobs.

The baby batter is clouding your brain.

**Elkhound Odin** · 03-24-2010, 03:53 PM

I've been married for 17 years to a woman with depression, possible bi-polar disorder, multitude physical problems, chronic nerve pain, takes handfuls of various drugs every day, and now unemployable. It didn't start out this way, change started gradually about 12 years ago, full blown the past 5 years. It is very difficult and challenging to live with this type person.
You end up giving much of yourself to supporting them with what seems little in return.

You are living your future now. It's not a happy life. If I had know 17 years ago what I am faced with now, I can't say I'd travel this same road. Only you can decide how much pain & depression you are willing to accept. Maybe she can get better, maybe not. All I can offer is do not become legally financially responsible for her.

**berko** · 03-24-2010, 03:56 PM

You cannot save her, you can only try to help her get to a place where she can save herself.

It's probably not going to end well either way. Sorry.

**snowsprite** · 03-24-2010, 04:00 PM

At best, marriage --legal or "life-partner" living together arrangement --can be very difficult (and rewarding) with the right person.

But generally speaking, building a life together and adding children to that life makes things overall more difficult and trying. If you're starting off with issues, think carefully my friend.

Sprite

**Diesel** · 03-24-2010, 04:02 PM

You titled this thread "Dating someone with mental illness", not "dating a partyer". From my experience, when you're dealing with something like this, it's pretty clear that the alcohol is just a symptom of the illness. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, and hopefully the fact that you're starting to ask questions about it means you're getting closer to making a decision to take care of your self. Don't confuse this with being selfish. Not the same.

See, and here's the thing, you can't cure crazy. You can't rationalize crazy. You can feel bad for her, you can stay with her out of guilt and sacrifice your life, and you can do everything you can to protect her, but if she's hellbent on self destruction, she will continue down that path with or without you.

I'm sure that the leaving will be awful, and full of drama and you'll feel like shit. But ultimately, it's the right decision.

**GordonShumway** · 03-24-2010, 04:23 PM

Originally Posted by QuikR12

This is one rare instance that I don't think you can find advice appropriate for your circumstances here on TGR.

You think this is the one rare case where you can't find appropriate advice from maggots?

**summit** · 03-24-2010, 04:52 PM

She sounds like a real winner... so do you...

Originally Posted by A-wreck

Sometimes I wish i was a total prick and didnt give a shit

I got news for you...

Originally Posted by A-wreck

So.. I tricked her
I lied to her
I just find myself getting less and less out of it
I even managed to not cheat on her for the 3 months

You two are made for each other and clearly have a healthy relationship that will last forever and ever.

LittleYellowFriend · 03-24-2010, 05:02 PM

[image]image]

**frorider** · 03-24-2010, 05:13 PM

Some good advice already given in this thread, particularly yeti's.

Many years ago I dated a woman with bipolar disorder (found out about a month into the relationship). Medication helped control it, but there were side effects that made her question if she could take it forever. She wasn't self-destructive or anything dramatic.

At the same time, there was something off about her that made it hard to ever really relax. I can't imagine a long-term relationship were you are always on-guard for some sorta shit to drop. exhausting.

**DoWork** · 03-24-2010, 05:13 PM

Originally Posted by A-wreck

ok so... Shes an incredibly smart and articulate girl who goes to the University Of Michigan..

Shes also retardedly hott...

Something happened to her when she was growing up... what? I dont know.. but it fucks with her and makes her want to be wasted all the fucking time...

So.. I tricked her into going to rehab..

I let her use my car to go to work... after she totaled her car while she was drunk..

She gets pulled over drunk and the cop lets her go.. She forgets where she left my car.. .SHE LOST MY CAR...

I woke up in the A.M. and I fucking found it..
I lied to her and told her it was stolen,,,
She felt like such a piece of shit for doing this that she went to rehab..
I told her the police found my car about 6 weeks into her latest 12 week stint in rehab

Just really high highs... and really low lows... not to mention her complete lack of respect for the fact that i pay a ridiculous amount of rent for the neighborhood we live in...

Today.. was almost a disaster because she had to pay her cell phone bill for the 3 months she was in rehab..
It may still be a disaster .... Day aint over yet...

I just find myself getting less and less out of it... and giving more and more to her and her moods...

The worst thing is... her family is not really involved.. .she alienates herself because she knows they dont like her drinking...

Its pretty much all on me..
Without me.. i seriously believe she will wind up dead.. raped and beaten in an alley

edit for... In my life experiences.. id say shes Bi-polar and manic depressive.. but im not a doctor... and I did not stay at a holiday inn express last night

Dude, it really sounds like you're dating my ex. I'm not joking and that shit isn't funny. At all.

Just like my ex: Smart girl, lots of fun, rediculously hot, but MORE ISSUES THAN NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC! She had major alcohol issues, prescription anxiety medication issues (especially when mixed with the booze) and serious respect/responsibility problems when she was fucked up.

Just like you said, high highs and low lows... But NOTHING was more important than chasing that buzz, YOU and I included. Once they get that shine on, their responsibilities as well as your needs and deserved respect become a distant memory. I was literally right where you are now when I broke up with her (except for the rehab). I did it because she was making me miserable with all her bullshit and there's only so much you can fuck your own life up before you decide to stop being a victim of your own good intentions and love and GET THE FUCK OUT! You sound like a good guy who has really really tried, but dammit man these aren't problems that get better they're ones that get worse. You said she already totaled cars, lost them, and I'm positive the list goes on- what makes you think she's going to change now?

Honest to God, as much as I want to believe in people you have to realize they're human. Many will never snap out of it. Do you really want to put yourself through the rest of your life dealing with this shit?