So I died. Now what?

[iceman]

As some of you know (I wrote a little about it at the time and have talked in person to a few of you about it since), back in September I died. I mean died, died. Like no heartbeat. In brief for those not taking notes I had a full-blown rupture of an aneurysm in my abdominal aorta. Statistics vary but somewhere well over 90% (perhaps over 95%) of people with this condition die and stay dead. I, however, am fine. Physically, at least. I got to a good hospital in time, had some very advanced surgery from an extremely talented surgeon and I am completely fine. Physically. Better than I've been for quite a long while, actually.

Mentally, not so much. Ever since all this happened I have met people, mostly religious people, who have told me that I was spared for a reason. "God was not done with you" or "You are alive for a reason" or "Your work here was not done" is how it usually goes, and for months I laughed it off. I'm here because the doctor wasn't drunk or the ambulance didn't get a flat tire is what I basically figured. But as time goes on, I dunno.

Honestly, emotionally, I'm a bit of a wreck. And it's not getting better. I still have a sense of humor and I'm still a smartass, but I have become prone to bouts of deep emotion, times where, for no readily discernible reason, I am reduced to tears. My father had a vicious stroke some years before his death and he had similar symptoms. A TV commercial could reduce him, the WWII machine gunner, the smartest toughest and most well-educated man I have ever met, to a blubbering mess. (Cigarettes killed my mother).

So maybe my condition is physical. Maybe some wires got fried and I just need time to get my shit together. After all, it's only been six months since I died. Or maybe that's not it. I have actually sought some professional help on this topic from a couple of very smart doctors and all they have to offer is medicine, and I don't need nor want it.

I am 49 years old, I have always been the smartest kid in the class, but the whole way I have fought it. I didn't want what I was supposed to want, ever. I always took it as a badge of honor that I could see through the bullshit hypocrisy of the system and go my own way. Yet somehow I ended up well-off, with a beautiful loving wife and two amazing kids who are incredibly smart and hard-working and intensely athletic, and I'm sitting here at daybreak in a condo I own at a beautiful ski resort, crying my eyes out. (Well, I was crying, now I'm typing.)

My kids are now in high school and the main job I took on, raising them, seems to have come out ok. I don't work. I have written some books but when it came to getting published I hated the business side of it so much that I couldn't stand it and there didn't seem to be much point in writing if you're not going to get published, so I quit.

I can do whatever the fuck I want. But I don't know what it is. I'm starting to think that the religious people are right, that there is something I'm supposed to accomplish, to achieve, that I have been given an improbable gift and that I should put it to work somehow. But I don't know what to do.

I am something of a charter member here, having spent, god help me, much of the past ten years reading and writing here and on PowMag before it, and trust me, I don't expect sympathy or the kid glove treatment in any way. But mixed in among the cretins are a bunch of the smartest people I've ever met anywhere. And this isn't an easy question and I doubt anyone has an easy answer, but.

But what the fuck should I do?

Cretins, have at it. I'm your whipping boy for the day.

Anybody with a clue, I'd like to hear it.

[Viva]

I love you, Ice!
(In a platonic kinda way, of course)

[L7]

Just don't go for the religious crap that they are drumming at you; you should serve a higher power, god spared you to serve him, blah blah blah. It may be that unending drone that is causing you the self doubt and rough times. Sure maybe you need to find a solid purpose and direction to get through but if you didn't like the publishing business world for seeing through the bullshit you sure won't like the religion business world.

Go to Haiti and apply yourself to doing some good or something, just remember to wear your jeans.

[Rontele]

J,

Keep on whatever you are doing. You are succeeding and I admire your ability to look within.

[gincognito]

I suppose I am not that old, and certainly not that wise, but I will say that I believe you are right: you are still alive due to a sober doctor and well-inflated tires on the ambulance.

(oh, and you can count me among the ones pleased that this is the case. Way to cheat death, iceman.)

Having said that, it certainly does make sense to want to take advantage of this second chance. Not in any religious, mission-from-God sort of way, but in a more personal and real way. The personal part is key, I suppose. Not one wanker on this board has the same story as you so not one wanker is going to be able to tell you exactly what to do (though I reckon that spending time with family, getting back to writing, skiing your ass off, giving to charities and just generally sacking up will top the lists of generic advice).

It's all you, man. In the words of the great Cosmo Kramer, " you have to listen to the little man."

If you were happy before, there's no reason you shouldn't be now. If you weren't, now's your chance to fix it.

That's all I got.

Peace.
d.

[DBdude]

dude,

you live, you die, that's it. you where not saved for some higher purpose. you didn't die because you where lucky and expert medical care.

hug your family, have fun, live life, you've earned it. if you can make the world a better place that's cool, but you don't have a mandate to become Dr. Scweitzer or Mother Teresa.

[PassTheDutchie]

I have written some books but when it came to getting published I hated the business side of it so much that I couldn't stand it and there didn't seem to be much point in writing if you're not going to get published, so I quit.

Hey Ice, I can't imagine what you're going through, but I just wanted to disagree with the above--sometimes the creative process is its own reward. And maybe, after we're all long gone, you'll be discovered and your literary genius will finally get the attention it deserves.

[jayfrizzo]

Start company with me.

[XtrPickels]

The first thing that I notice when I read the monologue is that you are hooked on the fact that "you died". I don't know what this is like, I'm not sure I can even fathom such a situation. What I can say with certainty, however, is that your outlook on past, present and future events will shape you as a person. I don't know if this is something you can move on from, I don't know if its something that you want to move on from. As long as your stay stuck on the situation, though, you will always have a hole to fill.

Yes, you died, but now you are living. You're doing a good job of it, admittedly, through raising your kids, financial wellbeing etc etc. Are you really "living" though? What inspires you? What makes you feel good? what gives you purpose? We all have a reason to be here, even those who seem to have no utility. I'm not religious, not in the least. I don't believe that god spared you. I do believe that you being here brings a lot to the world. At the very least to the world of those that love you.

Create your own purpose. If this is the catalyst to jumpstart a lifelong dream, to simply show your kids and wife you love them or start a complex world saving master plan, then so be it. The fact that you wonder if you should be doing more, means that you probably should. We can't tell you what purpose you need to fulfill. An internal struggle needs an intrinsic motivation to be satisfied.

[JoeStrummer]

I've only been here for a few years but this seems like the perfect thread for me to suggest for the first time. . .

DerPoopenhausen?

OK, now that's out of the way. . . .

Maybe you are Unbreakable and need to go around choking out bad guys like Bruce Willis?

There are some smart folks here amongst the rest of us dipshits, maybe someone will have a clue. It sounds like a certain phase of your life is about to close out (getting your kids to college age) and you might be a bit of a restless soul anyways, and then add to that surviving what you survived, and about to turn 50, and it seems like you have a shitload of triggers in place to do things like start crying your eyes out while watching Sportscenter, or trying to find some "meaning" in all this. Good for you for not medicating away the sharp edges while you sort it out.

As far as what to do? Pray, or meditate, or fast on the mountaintop until and answer comes to you. Or just take a shortcut and PM Rontele.

[Brock Landers]

Do you think it was the medical thing that caused this...or just seeing your kids growing up, doing great, having a wife, your own condo at a ski resort, and wondering what the next step is? You seem to be successful at whatever it is you do- whether work, or pretty much life, so I cant really see anything (from the other side of a computer) that is impending doom or anything like that.

Go see someone, maybe its pretty common to feel this way but noone- especially men- would admit to it very easily.

Pitchers and catchers report this week. Lester Lackey Beckett.

[Skidog]

I dont know anything about the religious aspect of things, but i do believe there is a "reason for everything". Are you supposed to do something "big"? I dont fucking know. Sounds like PTSD to me. You had a lifechanging experience.

Be glad you're alive, and go out and live the remainder of your life to the fullest. Leave no stone unturned. No dream not followed.

You are very lucky. Run with it...

[flatlander#2]

You're like Keith Richards, you cannot be killed by normal methods. I'd try some really risky shit if I were you. No not really.

You need a challenge for your life, smart kids don't do well doing nothing. Maybe it is something that helps to better someone else's day, maybe not. We all read that we can be everything if we try, well maybe that's bullshit. Maybe most people are looking up at that final moment and say ah shit, I wish I would have tried to do something with my life. I try not to be too hard on myself and take it as it comes and make those around me happy. I too have been here for ten years or more, your smart aleck part of the brain still seems functional.

Write more is what a college prof told me. When you write it comes out.

[QuikR12]

You were meant to continue the humor cycle on TGR. Without your (and other's) humor, my days are much more drab and boring.

Really though, your easily triggered emotions are probably due to the traumatic experience of nearly losing your life, and leaving your family father/husbandless, and the resulting emotions are likely a mix of mild post-traumatic stress and a sort of mid-life crisis brought on by the deep self evaluation/life reflection since. Although I speak from little life experience compared to yours, and none professionally in this area, I would expect extreme emotion and self evaluation to be the norm after this kind of life event.

Question? Do your emotional bouts feel depressing, or are they rather just easily triggered, deep emotional bouts? I ask only because I've noticed a pretty distinct difference in the two with myself and others... I've dealt w/ my father's PTSD, as sort of a counselor since I was about 8, and can say that the emotional bouts in his case are much different than his bouts of depression. The emotional bouts are healthy, part of the long recovery process he has gone through (much different circumstances than yours), while the depression is more of a regressive slump.

I have no idea what you're supposed to do, but it seems as though you may feel compelled to write..? I do know in my tough or emotional times, the emotional bouts were very good writing fuel... Actually, it has provided great fuel for any endeavor I've wanted to pursue. So I'd just say try and figure it out, and channel it. But I wouldn't worry too much about it, it seems completely natural.

[skifishbum]

Keep on keepin on my brother.
All this now is bonus time enjoy it as you know I enjoy your company and the company of your fam.
Call me anytime. You know I'm not a deep pyscholical guy, and short on answers but always willing to listen

[skifishbum]

Oh and sweet blog

[hitek79]

Volunteer. For anything. It will give you perspective, and more than likely will give you some ideas on what exactly it is you're looking for. You might end up starting a charity, or find a way that your skills can improve an existing charity.

[iceman]

Pitchers and catchers report this week. Lester Lackey Beckett.

Fuck that made me laugh. Thanks.

Yeah, no worries about the religious bullshit. Not happening.

Gin I can't tell you how pleased I am to see your name.

I suppose it's just as some of you suspect, the enormity of nothingness and what do you do with it is kind of daunting.

And I love you too, Viva, but more in a sexual way.

[berko]

Sounds like you've made a living out of doing the opposite of what people expect of you.

Why not add god to the list of people whose advice you've disregarded?

[DeeAre]

Give of yourself. (Not to imply that you haven't, or don't continue to do so). Religious causes are often self-serving, but they largely are advocates of philanthropy and to that extent I think the voices of religious people in your ear are to be seriously considered.

[irul&ublo]

Rock out with your cock out (of your jeans)

[bagtagley]

Sounds like you died and went to...mid-life crisis.

I'm not an overtly religious person, but I generally don't hate on those that are, as long as their beliefs aren't affecting myself or others. Life is short, and you have to do the things that will make you happy. If taking up religion is going to add some purpose or meaning to your life and make you happy, I don't see the harm.

Having said that, I think you're probably still in recovery mode. You're healthy, for all intents and purposes, but your body and mind aren't done repairing themselves. Now that your past the whole fighting to live thing, you're left to face the fact that you almost died. I don't care how stoic a person is, that's some heavy shit to face, and it's bound to make you question yourself and your life. I think you shouldn't try to fight or shrug off the emotions you're feeling, and I think talking this out with someone who knows what they're doing on a regular basis is a good thing (a good psychologist, since you don't want drugs).

[Ripzalot]

iceman dies in jeans.







had to be said....

[The Reverend Floater]

Ice--First off, I can't believe I hadn't heard about this and I'm obviously glad everything turned out well.

What you are going through is pretty normal for those who have had near death experiences. There's often guilt associated with the experience, for whatever reasons.

That said, remember you don't owe anybody shit. That's the truth. If you want to volunteer or what have you, then go ahead. But don't do it out of any sense of obligation. You got unlucky and died. Now you're alive. Carry on.

[bagtagley]

That said, remember you don't owe anybody shit.

I agree with that....well, except maybe for the surgeon and the guy that maintains the ambulance.