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  1. #1
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    LIfe Kicks Me in the Nuts Again? Now with Dramatic Conclusion

    Excuse me while this becomes my diary again, but....

    Man, I just can't shake it. It's been a month. I'll have several good days in a row, I've even got some quick lovin' one night from a former fuck buddy, I've been at the gym like a madman, I've been keeping evil consumption to a minimum (it's all relative), and I still miss my ex like crazy. I've been having terrible dreams, for shit sakes.

    Worse, yet, is that she hasn't called or emailed or anything since we broke up, except for once to tell me that she was taking the bed. This makes me feel like a monster or something. I mean, sure I treated her poorly, but we were best friends. And now it seems like she's going to any length to avoid me.

    I tried talking her into giving it another shot shortly after we broke up, but we were drunk and I don't think it sunk in. The worst part about that, by far, is that I don't even know if that's really what I want. I mean, I had some serious qualms about her when I was dating her, now they seem so stupid. But I'll bet if we ever got back together, I'd be miserable again.

    Worst part is that I just saw her at the gym, picking up a lady friend of mine. She acted as if everything was just fine. "I haven't talked to you in SO long. What's up?" No shit, lady? Jesus. Anyhow, she declares she's coming over to my house tonight around 5 or so to chat or something.

    What am I supposed to say? Tell her I'm still fuct in the head and that I'm miserable? Tell her I'm doing fine so there's no burden on her? Or tell her the flat out truth, which she'll hate to hear because it makes her feel "guilty".
    Last edited by The Reverend Floater; 10-29-2003 at 10:20 AM.
    "All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring."

  2. #2
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    you have answered your own question. you know and knew it wasn't working but the break up wasn't on your terms so you doing the " why doesn't she want me !?!?!? " best advice I can give " when going through hell, keep going ! " snow will soon be here and the world will be a much better place, trust me !
    "Do the interns get Glocks ? "

  3. #3
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    "the flat out truth"
    You answered your own question. Good luck mang.
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  4. #4
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    Since it sounds like you can't really exactly figure out your situation, (and i sure as hell can't) the truth would probably be good. Especially if you have even the slightest inkling that you might want to get together.

    Unless of course the truth involves her best friend, schoolboys under 12, animals, or anything like that. Then I'd lie my ass off.
    I should probably change my username to IReallyDon'tTeleMuchAnymoreDave.

  5. #5
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    Tell the truth. Just make sure it's the truth and not what you think you want just because you're missing her.

  6. #6
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    You're asking me? Shit, if i did any better than you with women, I'd ...well, I'd probably get laid once in a while. Good luck man. If you figure them out, let me know. Actually, if you figure them out, keep it to yourself. I would.

  7. #7
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    I think Board hit the nail on the head.

    Just let it go mang - nothing worse than a guy/girl that can't let go.


    Seriously - soon it will snow..........life will be better.

    Edit: I don't know who I'm quoting
    When you see something that is not right, not just, not fair, you have a moral obligation to say something. To do something." Rep. John Lewis


    Kindness is a bridge between all people

    Dunkin’ Donuts Worker Dances With Customer Who Has Autism

  8. #8
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    It's over Rev...let it go. Remember, never chase buses or women. They'll always leave you behind and there's another one coming every 15 minutes.

  9. #9
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    Hang in there dude! And tell the truth.
    Sprite
    "I call it reveling in natures finest element. Water in its pristine form. Straight from the heavens. We bathe in it, rejoicing in the fullest." --BZ

  10. #10
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    ...change gyms...

    (and I agree w/ Board, too)

    ...we've all been there and it sucks... keep as busy as possible.

  11. #11
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    Re: LIfe Kicks Me in the Nuts Again?

    Originally posted by The Reverend Floater
    I mean, I had some serious qualms about her when I was dating her, now they seem so stupid. But I'll bet if we ever got back together, I'd be miserable again.
    I seems to me that you've answered the central issue. If what you've wrote above is so, there is really nothing to go back to.

    What am I supposed to say? Tell her I'm still fuct in the head and that I'm miserable? Tell her I'm doing fine so there's no burden on her? Or tell her the flat out truth, which she'll hate to hear because it makes her feel "guilty".
    Well, if she's asking then tell the truth- just don't be a diva about it. But be honest and admit to her that it never had a chance, that you weren't happy and apologize if you really did treat her badly. Leave it at that and, with time, maybe you can be friends again.
    Daniel Ortega eats here.

  12. #12
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    Originally posted by CS
    Just make sure it's the truth and not what you think you want just because you're missing her.
    Heh. See, if he could figure this out, he wouldn't be asking for advice on the internet.

  13. #13
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    I hear ya Rev...Tell the truth. Tell her what you're thinking, and if she doesn't like it, you know she's not worth your time. Been in this situation, for too long it seemed. I knew it wasn't going to work, and i think you know the answer to this question as well.
    Best of luck.
    you sketchy character, you

  14. #14
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    Angry

    I've got to say something else - Screw her for acting all nicey nice. "Oh I'm coming by to 'talk'" WTF? She should have the decency to give you space and stay away.

    If you ask me she's trying to make herself feel better.


    (sorry - end of rant).
    When you see something that is not right, not just, not fair, you have a moral obligation to say something. To do something." Rep. John Lewis


    Kindness is a bridge between all people

    Dunkin’ Donuts Worker Dances With Customer Who Has Autism

  15. #15
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    Go rent High-fidelity, take notes, let it rip.
    Go to "What better way to Excercise Rejection Demons"

    javascriptopup('exorciseqt.html',300,300)
    Skiing, where my mind is even if my body isn't.

  16. #16
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    WTF, people?

    You can't tell the truth and not "let go?" I'm gonna call BS on that. You can still tell the truth and forge ahead through shitty times.

    And I agree, Rev answered his own questions.
    Balls Deep in the 'Ho

  17. #17
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    Originally posted by 13
    WTF, people?

    You can't tell the truth and not "let go?" I'm gonna call BS on that. You can still tell the truth and forge ahead through shitty times.

    And I agree, Rev answered his own questions.
    Well I think let go means "no contact" at least that's what I meant.

    Actually I'm a bit confused now about what exactly transpired between the two and what the Rev is seeking. Still I vote for just saying "no" to her little visit and letting sleeping dogs lie.
    When you see something that is not right, not just, not fair, you have a moral obligation to say something. To do something." Rep. John Lewis


    Kindness is a bridge between all people

    Dunkin’ Donuts Worker Dances With Customer Who Has Autism

  18. #18
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    Originally posted by KQ
    letting sleeping dogs lie.

    But they're so damn cute when they're sleeping.

  19. #19
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    Guilt is major bad juju whether drawn to it or repulsed by it.

    Give her the filtered truth: you don't have to emotionally eviscerate either of you, but crap, might as well be constructive.

    Think about what made you miserable. Was it her or you?

  20. #20
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    Well -
    What are you expecting if she had been calling to talk or otherwise act friendly? I'm guessing that from her perspective, since you didn't want to end the relationship, she's thinking that any act of "friendship" on her part is going to be perceived as "I want to get back together". So yes, she's probably been going out of her way to avoid contact because it's most likely going to be uncomfortable and she doesn't want you to misinterpret anything.

    I wouldn't go crazy with telling her how miserable she's made you. Yes, you could succeed in making her feel as shitty as you do via guilt, but that's about it. I'm not saying totally lie to her either - maybe more along the lines of "I wish we were still together, but I'll be fine." Because you will be fine, it's just hard to see at this point.

  21. #21
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    okay, so just about everyone beat me to it.

  22. #22
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    Wow! Too bad no one around here is willing to help out

    Board hit it on the fucking head!!

    It's normal to feel the way that you do. Best advice I have (which is also correct and easy) is: you do the same regardless of your desired outcome:

    1) if you want her back, just be calm, cool, and cordial and do not reveal your pain, remorse, and longing - and she WILL want you back.

    2) if you don't want her back, just be calm, cool, and cordial and she'll want you back...but, so fucking what, you don't need her shit any more.

    Once, faced with virtually the same dilemma, I did not follow this advice and now I look back with remorse at what a fool/tool I was.

    Too bad I didn't have internet friends like you back in 91/92

    Good luck, brother!
    "When restraint and courtesy are added to strength, the latter becomes irresistible."
    Mohandas Gandhi

  23. #23
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    as much as you want to talk; listen.
    dont get defensive even if she is mean & wrong.
    listen.
    like you, she has been thinking about it & wants to talk.
    listen.

    you may be suprised at what did & didn't bug her. & what she wants now.

    when you do talk, dont rehash the past. just dont. she has dwelled on it enough you are not going to change her mind.
    Talk about what you want,
    the you that you want to be in 3-5 years.
    The UberRev if you will.
    dont adress her directly in it aside from "Once I really thought you were going to help me get there."

    if she cant buy into the vision, move on.

  24. #24
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    my one gem of wisdom:

    generally, women tend to face the emotional aspects of the end of a relationship long before the guys do. When you guys broke up, she'd been through it in her head a thousands times, over the course of possibly months. Its a preparedness thing, and yes, it makes women generally more capable to cope at time of breakup. Guys, on the other hand, often know that trouble is in the air, but they never go through the emotions of the breakup until it happens, which is, in some ways, entirely sensible as well. After all, let's cross that bridge when we need to, right? We're together now, I'll deal with it if we break up.

    I've seen this pattern again and again, firsthand and secondhand, and even if I'm not communicating it well here, it's almost always true.

    Let me put it this way: you are now where she was three to four months ago in her thinking and dealing and coping. She's already been through all of this. For her, most likely, the end of the relationship corresponds to the end of her emotional process. For you, it's the beginning. When she walked away from it, she did so because she was ready to on some level. When you walked away from it (or had it taken away, perhaps), it was the first time you'd really internalized how it would feel.

    It's just one of those differences. Neither here nor there. Just different. Knowing that, however, imagine that the situation was reversed. You've just been through an internal emotional hell for the past four months agonizing over what to do, and your boyfriend has only just started to cope, and now, just now when you're ready to be normal around him again, he wants to hash out all pain and hurt that you've already suffered through yourself. I feel guilty enough as it is having to be the one to end it, I don't need him to make me feel worse about it now of all times.

    Point being, with her, let it go.
    You need to work it out and deal with it, the pain, etc, but you can't do it with her, because she's already covered that ground.

    That's why you have friends.
    Call any time.
    Last edited by Yossarian; 10-28-2003 at 04:04 PM.
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  25. #25
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    Hit it one last time and kick her out the door, preferably naked. It's all a lot easier when you're the winner.

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