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  1. #126
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    Quote Originally Posted by Buzzworthy View Post
    Over the past few months I have been in a weird place, a place I would not want to wish on anyone. I'm about to turn 30 years old and I am not really sure who I am.

    What is my purpose on this earth, am I doing the things that will make me happy or just trodding along to conform to society and pay the bills, make the money and see it just go back out. Am I getting anywhere, am I too afraid to make a dramatic change?

    Am I a skier who started snowboarding or a snowboarder that wants to ski again?

    Am I looking for validation in most things I do because I am insecure inside? Why do I portait the image many people see of me, but knowing I am not totally that person, always trying to fit in?

    Over the past day or two I have really been looking at myself and I am not sure what I see. Have I been like this for so long that I have lost my identity or simply misplaced it?

    I try to make everyone around me happy, but at that same time it can cause be to be unhappy. Why do I do this to myself, why do I need this validation from others?

    How do I stop this inner destructive emotional behavior?



    I am in a weird place and have a lot of looking in the mirror to do.
    Sounds to me that you are at the beginning of a new adventure, one that starts with insight. It's OK, it's a needful reassessment of direction that comes with your brain reaching it's fully adult state, going from defining oneself by one's surroundings, to actually looking around inside, and becoming self aware.

    My advice is to moan and groan, and make your body vibrate when you feel heavy.
    I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things. -אלוהים אדירים

  2. #127
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    Quote Originally Posted by raisingarizona13 View Post
    I would add that if your hitting 30 and still not making any money you should make that change now. Start figuring out how to maintain your preferred lifestyle somewhat and make some money. Hitting 40 as an unprepared ski bum that didn't get over the PPS (Peter Pan Stage) earlier on sucks.

    Seriously, I look at my kid and feel really guilty that I wasn't more prepared for her. Instead of taking her on vacations and far off adventures I'm in school trying to make up for all of my selfish playtime. We go hiking and skiing locally but I wish I could be doing so much more for her. I guess that stuff isn't that important compared to just being a caring and loving parent but I still want to have that ability.
    On the bright side, you have 3-4 decades to take the kid on trips and continue to build that relationship. You have tons of time, it just feels like you don't being so busy. GL
    Success has many fathers, while failure remains an orphan // Many men go fishing all of their lives without knowing that it is not the fish they are after - HDT

  3. #128
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Gnarwhale View Post
    Here's the two things I go back to again and again when I'm feeling directionless or without control:



    In April of 1958, a 22 year-old Hunter S. Thompson wrote a letter on the meaning of life when asked by a friend for advice. What makes his response all the more profound is the fact that at the time, the world had no idea that he would become one of the most important writers of the 20th century. Therefore his beliefs about purpose were hypothetical—they were statements of faith.

    But if it’s true that our beliefs really do become our reality, then there’s no better example of a life fully realised than the one of Hunter S. Thompson. Let his perspective inspire you:



    April 22, 1958

    57 Perry Street

    New York City

    Dear Hume,

    You ask advice: ah, what a very human and very dangerous thing to do! For to give advice to a man who asks what to do with his life implies something very close to egomania. To presume to point a man to the right and ultimate goal — to point with a trembling finger in the RIGHT direction is something only a fool would take upon himself.

    I am not a fool, but I respect your sincerity in asking my advice. I ask you though, in listening to what I say, to remember that all advice can only be a product of the man who gives it. What is truth to one may be disaster to another. I do not see life through your eyes, nor you through mine. If I were to attempt to give you specific advice, it would be too much like the blind leading the blind.

    “To be, or not to be: that is the question: Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles … ” (Shakespeare)

    And indeed, that IS the question: whether to float with the tide, or to swim for a goal. It is a choice we must all make consciously or unconsciously at one time in our lives. So few people understand this! Think of any decision you’ve ever made which had a bearing on your future: I may be wrong, but I don’t see how it could have been anything but a choice however indirect — between the two things I’ve mentioned: the floating or the swimming.

    But why not float if you have no goal? That is another question. It is unquestionably better to enjoy the floating than to swim in uncertainty. So how does a man find a goal? Not a castle in the stars, but a real and tangible thing. How can a man be sure he’s not after the “big rock candy mountain,” the enticing sugar-candy goal that has little taste and no substance?

    The answer — and, in a sense, the tragedy of life — is that we seek to understand the goal and not the man. We set up a goal which demands of us certain things: and we do these things. We adjust to the demands of a concept which CANNOT be valid. When you were young, let us say that you wanted to be a fireman. I feel reasonably safe in saying that you no longer want to be a fireman. Why? Because your perspective has changed. It’s not the fireman who has changed, but you. Every man is the sum total of his reactions to experience. As your experiences differ and multiply, you become a different man, and hence your perspective changes. This goes on and on. Every reaction is a learning process; every significant experience alters your perspective.

    So it would seem foolish, would it not, to adjust our lives to the demands of a goal we see from a different angle every day? How could we ever hope to accomplish anything other than galloping neurosis?

    The answer, then, must not deal with goals at all, or not with tangible goals, anyway. It would take reams of paper to develop this subject to fulfillment. God only knows how many books have been written on “the meaning of man” and that sort of thing, and god only knows how many people have pondered the subject. (I use the term “god only knows” purely as an expression.) There’s very little sense in my trying to give it up to you in the proverbial nutshell, because I’m the first to admit my absolute lack of qualifications for reducing the meaning of life to one or two paragraphs.

    I’m going to steer clear of the word “existentialism,” but you might keep it in mind as a key of sorts. You might also try something called “Being and Nothingness” by Jean-Paul Sartre, and another little thing called “Existentialism: From Dostoyevsky to Sartre.” These are merely suggestions. If you’re genuinely satisfied with what you are and what you’re doing, then give those books a wide berth. (Let sleeping dogs lie.) But back to the answer. As I said, to put our faith in tangible goals would seem to be, at best, unwise. So we do not strive to be firemen, we do not strive to be bankers, nor policemen, nor doctors. WE STRIVE TO BE OURSELVES.

    But don’t misunderstand me. I don’t mean that we can’t BE firemen, bankers, or doctors — but that we must make the goal conform to the individual, rather than make the individual conform to the goal. In every man, heredity and environment have combined to produce a creature of certain abilities and desires — including a deeply ingrained need to function in such a way that his life will be MEANINGFUL. A man has to BE something; he has to matter.

    As I see it then, the formula runs something like this: a man must choose a path which will let his ABILITIES function at maximum efficiency toward the gratification of his DESIRES. In doing this, he is fulfilling a need (giving himself identity by functioning in a set pattern toward a set goal), he avoids frustrating his potential (choosing a path which puts no limit on his self-development), and he avoids the terror of seeing his goal wilt or lose its charm as he draws closer to it (rather than bending himself to meet the demands of that which he seeks, he has bent his goal to conform to his own abilities and desires).

    In short, he has not dedicated his life to reaching a pre-defined goal, but he has rather chosen a way of life he KNOWS he will enjoy. The goal is absolutely secondary: it is the functioning toward the goal which is important. And it seems almost ridiculous to say that a man MUST function in a pattern of his own choosing; for to let another man define your own goals is to give up one of the most meaningful aspects of life — the definitive act of will which makes a man an individual.

    Let’s assume that you think you have a choice of eight paths to follow (all pre-defined paths, of course). And let’s assume that you can’t see any real purpose in any of the eight. THEN — and here is the essence of all I’ve said — you MUST FIND A NINTH PATH.

    Naturally, it isn’t as easy as it sounds. You’ve lived a relatively narrow life, a vertical rather than a horizontal existence. So it isn’t any too difficult to understand why you seem to feel the way you do. But a man who procrastinates in his CHOOSING will inevitably have his choice made for him by circumstance.

    So if you now number yourself among the disenchanted, then you have no choice but to accept things as they are, or to seriously seek something else. But beware of looking for goals: look for a way of life. Decide how you want to live and then see what you can do to make a living WITHIN that way of life. But you say, “I don’t know where to look; I don’t know what to look for.”

    And there’s the crux. Is it worth giving up what I have to look for something better? I don’t know — is it? Who can make that decision but you? But even by DECIDING TO LOOK, you go a long way toward making the choice.

    If I don’t call this to a halt, I’m going to find myself writing a book. I hope it’s not as confusing as it looks at first glance. Keep in mind, of course, that this is MY WAY of looking at things. I happen to think that it’s pretty generally applicable, but you may not. Each of us has to create our own credo — this merely happens to be mine.

    If any part of it doesn’t seem to make sense, by all means call it to my attention. I’m not trying to send you out “on the road” in search of Valhalla, but merely pointing out that it is not necessary to accept the choices handed down to you by life as you know it. There is more to it than that — no one HAS to do something he doesn’t want to do for the rest of his life. But then again, if that’s what you wind up doing, by all means convince yourself that you HAD to do it. You’ll have lots of company.

    And that’s it for now. Until I hear from you again, I remain,

    your friend,

    Hunter
    good shit ive read a bit of hst but never that letter
    kinda rang true tome
    i tend to float a good bit i don't do much goals or quantifying
    and i just sent in the loot for a week in Valhalla
    I miss buzz he mounted the drama lama a bit much buts was a solid mag
    id offer advise but i can't see how an aged fishy skibums with shitty vision gonna help you see a path when hes bushwhackin his own
    "im gonna get my kicks before the whole shithouse goes up in flames"
    jdm
    "When the child was a child it waited patiently for the first snow and it still does"- Van "The Man" Morrison
    "I find I have already had my reward, in the doing of the thing" - Buzz Holmstrom
    "THIS IS WHAT WE DO"-AML -
    ski on in eternal peace

  4. #129
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    Hope Buzz is doing well these days.

    Love this thread.

    Quote Originally Posted by glademaster View Post

    I spent a good chunk of my twenties being sort of an asshole, and I don't think I will ever have a saintly disposition, but that attitude combined with the maelstrom of shit that has been swirling through my life for a year+ now has cost me friendships and relationships that I need. It doesn't reflect well on me that I didn't realize the damage I was doing until I was standing in the metaphorical rubble, but perhaps it will take such a blow for me to recognize that I need to be a kinder, more patient person.
    Always interesting to check in on your past self too.
    Last edited by glademaster; 06-04-2019 at 09:35 AM.
    Set my compass North, I got Winter in my blood.

  5. #130
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    is it working?
    "fuck off you asshat gaper shit for brains fucktard wanker." - Jesus Christ
    "She was tossing her bean salad with the vigor of a Drunken Pop princess so I walked out of the corner and said.... "need a hand?"" - Odin

  6. #131
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    Well I managed to find a career track that I can foresee keeping me engaged for awhile, so it is huge to feel like I'm not truly squandering 40-50 hours a week proactively making myself unhappy.

    As for the general attitude/outlook that was at the root of my existential angst and was causing issues in friendships and relationships, it's been a mixed bag. Over the past 9-12 months I've finally gotten proactive about getting to the root of those issues. I've established some meaningful connections in the intervening years, but I've also continued to drive away people who care about me, and who I care about through something that's probably best described as a milieu of ignorance, arrogance, and extreme reticence to trust/believe people. That last one has been somewhat profound to unpack and get to the bottom of.

    One thing that does remain constant for me is that even when life is a complete and utter shit sandwich, it's still pretty fucking great. So I got that going for me, which is nice.
    Set my compass North, I got Winter in my blood.

  7. #132
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    Quote Originally Posted by glademaster View Post
    Always interesting to check in on your past self too.
    How long ago did you post that?

    And, the HST letter is awesome, I had never read that before.

  8. #133
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    Quote Originally Posted by Danno View Post
    is it working?
    do you mean is it "working"

    OR is it working ?
    Lee Lau - xxx-er is the laziest Asian canuck I know

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    Quote Originally Posted by glademaster View Post
    One thing that does remain constant for me is that even when life is a complete and utter shit sandwich, it's still pretty fucking great. So I got that going for me, which is nice.
    Are you me?

  10. #135
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    Quote Originally Posted by glademaster View Post
    extreme reticence to trust/believe people.
    i used to be very open to people until i realized that even folks i considered close friends couldn't resist engaging in idle palaver. i guess people like to dwell on other's struggles, questions and general uncertainties in life. i don't understand why people do this, i myself am guilty of it but fail to see the benefit, after all i'm having a difficult enough time figuring out my own life, why do i want to think about someone else's problems?

  11. #136
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    Quote Originally Posted by ACH View Post
    How long ago did you post that?

    And, the HST letter is awesome, I had never read that before.
    I posted that almost three years ago. Was still living in Utah at the time, Aspen and the trajectory that moving there would put me on wasn't even on my radar.

    Also crazy to realize that this thread got started when I was in ninth grade.

    I think a good day of wandering around in the hills with a head full of fungi would be a solid prescription for regaining some perspective.
    Last edited by glademaster; 06-05-2019 at 09:46 AM.
    Set my compass North, I got Winter in my blood.

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    Quote Originally Posted by detuned View Post
    i used to be very open to people until i realized that even folks i considered close friends couldn't resist engaging in idle palaver. i guess people like to dwell on other's struggles, questions and general uncertainties in life. i don't understand why people do this, i myself am guilty of it but fail to see the benefit, after all i'm having a difficult enough time figuring out my own life, why do i want to think about someone else's problems?
    schadenfreude
    embrace your inner fuckedupedness
    we're all bozos on this bus

  13. #138
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    I think I speak to any "friend" of mine maybe once or twice a year. If that.

    Some people are social, some, not so much.

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    Quote Originally Posted by glademaster View Post
    Also crazy to realize that this thread got started when I was in ninth grade.
    Yeah, off topic but really not.... I felt kinda old when I saw all you fuckers turning 30 and I passed that milestone 8 years ago.

    Then I realized this thread is 15 years old and you guys are a bunch of geezers.

    Also, first logged into powmag in ‘99, which means I’ve been on this board for half my life. Pains me to see it slowing down.

    Perspective and how fleeting it all really is. That’s what this thread is about, right?
    focus.

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    You're only 38? Damn my internal guess was far off.

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    Quote Originally Posted by raisingarizona13 View Post
    Seriously, I look at my kid and feel really guilty that I wasn't more prepared for her. Instead of taking her on vacations and far off adventures I'm in school trying to make up for all of my selfish playtime.
    That's a massive amount of truth, takes a mighty big person to write it. I sorta had vision about that when I was 20; maybe becuase 20 wasn't an easy age for me. From then on I never really asked the question "what do I want" I asked "how do I provide for them." Later a person much wiser than I once talked about how life is a river; and if the river flows right, you end up old and gray with grandchildren. if it doesn't flow right you wind up in the swamp outside the flow along the way. I thought it was great imagery.

    The other thing that took me quite a while to learn is that it isn't fair, and it ain't gone get fair. it just is.
    "Can't you see..."

  17. #142
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    man this thread is so good. I've already spent too long reading it at my desk job and hope to catch up later tonight. It's crazy to see all these posts from people that i used to kind of look up to when i first found these boards, kind of makes some of their points hit harder. hope everyone is doing well with everyone.

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    “Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”

    Rainer Maria Rilke

  19. #144
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kirby View Post
    “Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”

    Rainer Maria Rilke
    This quote is a gem and a long time favorite of mine.

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    Funny reading this for a bit before seeing was an old thread. I signed up here 2008 so just over 1/4 of life here at age 39.

    Over the last ten years I’ve worked in construction as a laborer then carpenter then foreman the last year was superintendent on helicopter hangar for Chugach Powder Guides. $3m project over a year all on my head with day to day logistics and planning etc. How did this happen , I’m just a ski bum with deeply buried wanna be pro skier aspirations and now some how happy in a ‘career’?

    I was happy because I had to work my brain and got to build the coolest club house for the coolest kids in town. In early May I went back to do one last install of these big custom barn doors .

    It was last day of operation and who is at the hangar ...? Todd Jones and crew taking camera off helicopter and packing up aiming for the airport after another season in ak.

    It all struck me as funny as I had never met Todd. Then I was like “are you Todd Jones ?” He said yes and I said I was a fan. Then I added, “ you remember me when I trolled you pretty good with the ‘can I ski with you’ thread.

    He smiled and said he remembered. I said ‘ yeah skiing is pretty fun but now I’m building stuff , it’s kind of fun. “ he complimented the building.

    Mean while his kid was pestering him to get in the van to race Ligare to the airport or something. There was another dirt bag emo pro looking guy and maybe Mcnutt.

    It struck me as funny and reiterated my feeling of being content with my path that led away from wanna be pro skiing.

    And here I am building bad ass building so these guys could enjoy it. It made me happy.

    Todd said ‘see ya’ And I returned to the job at hand with a newfound sense of closure on a chapter of life.

  21. #146
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    Quote Originally Posted by Marshall Tucker View Post
    That's a massive amount of truth, takes a mighty big person to write it. I sorta had vision about that when I was 20; maybe becuase 20 wasn't an easy age for me. From then on I never really asked the question "what do I want" I asked "how do I provide for them." Later a person much wiser than I once talked about how life is a river; and if the river flows right, you end up old and gray with grandchildren. if it doesn't flow right you wind up in the swamp outside the flow along the way. I thought it was great imagery.

    The other thing that took me quite a while to learn is that it isn't fair, and it ain't gone get fair. it just is.
    It is interesting looking back and seeing where we are now.

    I did the school thing for three years. I got an associates degree (a big deal for me) and got into nursing school. About 3/4 through the first semester I realized that it wasn't for me and I honestly couldn't sit like that to do the sort of studying the program required. I was starting to fall apart and all I could think about was trail building. I'm deeply invested in current local trail projects.

    So after I dropped out I had a few difficult months of figuring out what I was going to do. This was kind of rough at 43. Now I'm hired on as a crew leader with ACE on the trail project I did the design layout on. It doesn't pay much but it's my dream job. Our volunteer group is gaining a lot of respect locally and we hope to turn it into a non profit or business that has a few paid for positions. The BIG dream job that I'm really after.

    When I wrote those posts I was comparing myself to my friends that get to go on long ski holidays with their families. I was being hard on myself and you know what, I now realize that my kid doesn't need those things, she just needs to know that she is loved. We actually have a pretty darn good life and if I can live the rest of my days out in the forest building trails I'll basically never work again.

    So.......life is a funny thing. I'm super fired up right now and haven't felt like this in a long time. That school shit seriously sucks and I would feel the same about being a nurse or a successful 9-5 whatever job type guy. I don't want to be miserable for money. So maybe I'll never ski Cham or sit on the beaches of Spain but does that really matter? Nah, not so much.
    dirtbag, not a dentist

  22. #147
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bromontana View Post
    On the bright side, you have 3-4 decades to take the kid on trips and continue to build that relationship. You have tons of time, it just feels like you don't being so busy. GL
    I definitely don't like being too busy unless it's trail building and being out in the field. Right now I'm out doing trail stuff like 6 days a week and I couldn't be more stoked.

    The trips don't matter that much, we have a good thing going on. My daughter gets back today form a summer camp where they rode from Flagstaff to the Grand Canyon with car assisted camping over 6 days. We skied every week that we wanted to and spend most of our time in the outdoors. I practically live outside now. I can't complain at all.
    dirtbag, not a dentist

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    Quote Originally Posted by glademaster View Post
    Hope Buzz is doing well these days.
    Holy shit balls! Haven't been on here in a long time and today I poke in and see this. Blast from past for sure and I see many old friends I still keep in touch with.

    Not doing too shabby for going on 45. A lot less hair, a beautiful wife of 21 years, a 14 yo daughter going into HS (smart as hell, taller than me) next fall, 2 Great Danes and a lovely house thanks to Lumpy last year.
    Reading this was crazy. What a dumb fucking kid I was.

    I remember Glade coming out as the "young kid" for the Utah Mini. He was shy yet super nice. Now he is doing the 30 something thinking deal.
    I'm still in SLC and doing the dance.

    Cheers to you all, been a hell of a ride!
    "boobs just make the world better really" - Woodsy

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    Hey buddy
    Give my love to wife & daughter
    Sorry the Dane hates me.

    Hope to see y'all soon.

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