Struggling Hardcore: Who am I?

[warthog]

Turned 30 last October. No biggie really.

You think you are lost? I dreamed of leaving CT, working in the ski industry, living out west, yadda yadda yaddda. Well, I did work in the ski industry, I did live out west, and I realized it wasn't for me. I now live in Florida- what the fuck! If that ain't a 180, I don't know what is. I sometimes feel like Happy Gilmore-

"I'm a hockey player, but I'm playing golf today."

I'm a skier living in Florida.

On the bright side, I bet I am one of the best skiers in the state. How many can say that?

[Baconzoo]

34 and over tormenting myself.

Crossroads:

Option 1) Be like a Buddist Monk, live in the high mountains away from wicked civilizations. Search for nirvana daily.

Option 2) Marry my one true love. Create beautiful children. Work for the Man. Owe the Bank. Sacrafice daily.

I chose option 2 because the Monk approach seemed selfish and leaving no children behind seems un-natural. (We all struggle with wanting to sew the seed!)

It's been a bitch. Missing Jackson Hole is similar to cutting off your own arm. Working for the Man makes you feel like a slave. Paying interest to the bank is like burning your own money.

Conclusion:

Ski Bumming is the best way to spend your twenties.

If you have the option to sew the seed with the one you love, you have to because that's, "God's plan" and your kids may become more important than you.
Selfish pursuits are great, but kids are the most important thing in life.
I need to suck it up and focus on giving not getting.

Buzzworthy, Option 1 works great if you want to ski bum your whole life. The reality is that without work and sacrifice nothing new will grow in today’s awful climate.

Good luck to us all….

[Plakespear]

Originally posted by warthog
On the bright side, I bet I am one of the best skiers in the state. How many can say that?

I know I can't until Kush finally packs it up and moves to Tahoe permanently.

Meanwhile, I'm 28, going to be 29 in a few weeks. I'm at that age where everytime you hear from an old freind who you haven't seen in a while they're either getting married or having like their third kid or something, while I'm still living more or less like I did when I was right out of college.

I don't know what the hell I'm talking about, which probably explains a lot.

[Buzzworthy]

I appreciated the comments from everyone.

Yes, I am happily married (to a woman who just finished her coursework for a doctorate in Psychology) going on 6+ years. I do not have children yet. I am trying to settle down the "worthyness".

There is alot going on and I am not really sure I want to air it all on the board. A big part of it is that she will be heading to SLC for a 1 year internship in August. I have a successful career here in Logan. Granted we see each other on the weekends, but I know it will be a long year. Anyone else gone thru this? Now I can always look for jobs in SLC and I will be, but I am not sure that is what I want either. Change scares me sometimes, I guess that is just normal. I just don't know.

I'm not so sure it is the age thing as how many things are changing in my life over the next few months.

I have also temporarily lost a lot of my desire to get out on my bike, hike , backpack, all the stuff I have enjoyed doing. I do ride my motorcycle more, as I like the scerenity of the roads in northern Utah. But that is not giving me the exercise and more impotantly the "blowing off steam" like a good MTN Bike ride can do.

Stoy, I have very muched appreciated your comments here and on the phone, especially today. Yes, I am ready to get back out and ride a bit, I hope you can be patient with this old man. I need to. And yes, Erica knows fully of what is happening. My best friend in life needs to know.

Flyk, yes, I would love to get together with ya. I will be in touch.

I know I am not the only one that goes thru these trials in life. THis one simply is hitting particularly hard for some reason.

RB, I'm all ears too.

Ice, thanks man.

Plake, you really are not far off. Besides being married and finally getting a job one year ago that is a career, the right out of college thing is still there for me too.

This is hard, talking about it finally. I have held too many things inside for too many years.

I hope someday I can meet all of you. You are good peoples.

[Twoplanker]

Buzz,

You and I have been friends for a long time. I respect you for asking these questions of yourself because it shows depth, maturity, and growth.

I think I understand what you're saying and what you are going through. I've had a lot of the same thoughts as well, since I recently turned 30. What am I doing? Where am I going? Who should I be? Don't think that you're alone.

I think you are right, you often seem to be trying to please others and to be what they want you to be or what you think they want you to be. I think it is hard to be happy when you're playing that game, because you will never win. It's never clear what people want from you and you're never going to feel good about yourself unless you are being true to YOU. People will respect and like you most when they see YOU and not who you think they want you to see.

I have come to realize that the things that make me really, truly happy, are the simplest things. Joy is found in the light coming through the forest, in the sparkle of fresh powder, in the company of those you love, in those pure experiences that are unburdened by ego, anger, pride, envy, and jealousy.

Ego, anger, pride, envy, jealousy are all traps that steal the joy from our lives. I struggle daily to keep these things out of my life. Sometimes I fail, sometimes I succeed.

I have also come to realize that, for far too long, I have failed much too often at these things. As a result, my friends, my family, my wife, and you have all had to deal with my failings, something of which I am deeply ashamed. I'm ashamed because I have wasted so much time and energy fighting myself and being angry about things that are not important. The time wasted on this is time away from being with those people that I care about and I will never get it back. It is that thought that makes me want to work hard to focus on those things that really matter.

Like you, all I can do is move forward, learn from my mistakes, and try to be a better person. And a better friend.

I've apologized to my wife and to others but not to you - I'm sorry for not having been a better friend. It's been fun partying, skiing, yahooing and having good times - I've been a good friend when it comes to that. But I've come to realize that these are the easy parts of friendship. I'm not very good at doing those things that are harder, but most important in friendships: supporting, listening, and understanding. I'm learning from my mistakes and I hope I can help you answer the questions that you've asked here by being a better friend.

I've known you a long time, and I know who you are. You are kind, quiet, generous, funny - a great friend. You are a Dane owner, a motorcycle rider, a beer drinker, and a snowslider. You're my friend.

You are NOT the equipment you ride, the clothes you wear, the car you drive, or the substances you consume. These things do not define you and they do not deserve to be a part of your identity. You are bigger than all of these things.

Sometimes you just need a simple, true experience, like the one that Stoy described, to help re-discover who you are and to remember what things in life are really important. Maybe you need to talk a long walk in the woods.

When I get home, how about you and me take a long hike and we'll figure out some of these things together?

[altachic]

tough thing to read about a good friend, but i think we all go through this at some point, even multiple times.

This is hitting close to home as i have just moved from a very familiar place in SLC to a shitty dorm room in Teton National Park, where I didn't know anyone, have a new, hard job and that freaked me out, and still does 7 days into it. I sat in my room crying, thinking and wondering what the fuck i'm doing here...who am i and what do i want. I'm just lucky i have a beautiful backyard full of mountains and places to explore. I'm motivated to get out and enjoy this place, as the second night i was here i realized just how amazing and great life can be.

I miss home, my man, my family and friends...but i think that this adventure for the next 5 months is making me realize and figure out just who i am and what i want.

I'll listen anytime you want to chat Buzz, you know that. Hope all is well. Best of Luck.

[powder11]

alot of you guys don't know me because Im fairly new here, but heres my 30 yr freak out story. when I turned 30 (3 yrs ago), I went from a high paying corporate job to layed off with my job description "outsourced" to india. About the same time, 9/11 happened and I was ready to fuck it all and join the military to get even with those arab bastards. Luckily, I came to my senses and decided collecting unemployment so I could mtn bike and ski all the time was more my speed. I spent 2 solid years doing absolutely nothing but stuff that made me happy. The end result was that I was totally broke and miserable because I had no sense of purpose other than my hedonistic pursuits. I was blaming external sources for my frustration and had a solid case of "not my fault" Eventually I came to the realization that I'm in charge of my own destiny and need to make my life what I want it to be. The first step for me was the hardest, deciding what I want out of life and how I was going to live the life I wanted. It took some serious soul searching and tough decision making. The notion that "you only get one shot" is frightenly true. I decided I needed to live in the mtns(big mtns) so that I could ski whenever I wanted, close to the ocean, close to a big city and a place that is not a one horse town where I could someday raise a family. I also wanted a job that I was in charge of how much I made and when, no 9-5. I decided to pursue a career in real estate with my final goal owning and operating a full service real estate company in a ski town. I got my RE license and a sales job with a big RE chain that had lots of free training. I also took on painting jobs with a property management company to pay the bills and gain property management skills. I've learned alot about RE/Property management in the past year. I love the freedom of being my own boss, the fear of starving motivates me more than anything and is quite an adrenaline rush. I enjoy the daily adventure and challenge of figuring what the hell Im going to do next as it relates to my goal. I also was able to ski/mtn bike just as much as before. My next move is to Tahoe, it seems to fit everything I need. Its weird, I now can relate to the previous statement "I would be OK if I died today" The end result of my "30 yr freak out" was the need to incorporate an all encompassing life goal to keep me stimulated on a daily basis. Im more at peace with myself knowing that I have a general direction to struggle towards and what happens in between will be my life. for what its worth thats my .02

[gonzo]

Has anyone else appreciated the lack of offensive, obstrusive, a-hole posts in this thread? I have...and I like it. A lot.

[midget]

Originally posted by gonzo
Has anyone else appreciated the lack of offensive, obstrusive, a-hole posts in this thread? I have...and I like it. A lot.

Yes, I really do.

My story's a bit similar here, got laid off last Oct. and was scared shitless as it was the first time I didn't know where my next paycheck was coming from. I freaked out, and was pretty much working 24/7 on finding and doing any work that came by, usually web design related. I joined the govt. ski team a week later and realized I can actually try and go after photography full time, something I've been wanting to do since high school. The season was amazing, it really couldn't have gone any better. Now it's even scarier. The unemployment is gone, and I'm moving to a new place for the summer with people I don't know, and really wondering if I'm going to make the money I need so that I can just ski and shoot photos during the Winter without having to tune skis all winter for very little pay.

I have realized from this Winter that I can't work for the man anymore, I need the freedom that working for myself has brought me, a whole lot more happiness. Now the question is, can I make enough money to actually be able to do that. It's been very weird going from the Winter when I had the steady unemployment check coming in, and lots of things to shoot photos of, to no check, nothing to shoot (skiing related).....it's been a difficult transition, one I'm going to have to deal with again this September when I move back to Utah again.

I am scared shitless, but I really don't picture it any other way right now (aside from having a sugar momma)......getting away from the job I had was the best thing that could have happened to me, it was brining me down and I'm better off for it. Now it's just a matter of what now?

Seems like a lot of us here are feeling the same. Hopefully we all find it.

[Buzzworthy]

Yes, I do appreciate the "the lack of offensive, obstrusive, a-hole posts in this thread? I have...and I like it. A lot."

I do to. It is absolutely amazing to see thes types of responses from people I would consider my friends, no doubt.

Every story here makes me feel just that much better, helping me try to figure all this stuff out.

Yes, maybe I have finally hit the time in which I can grow and mature, something that has been difficult to do before.

2P, you are my best friend man. I would gladly go out and have a talk and hike. I have never heard anything like that from you and I am very happy to see those comments. Thank you.

Stoy, I owe you a hike too. Our conversation the other day was great.

I will be in touch with you all at some point soon. I am still a bit down and need to get my groove back. In other words, I am still kind of an emotional rollercoaster.

[Tyrone Shoelaces]

Originally posted by Tap
Sufi mystic Rumi said:

"Our greatest fears are like dragons guarding our greatest treasures"

That's one hell of a quote. I heart Sufi mystic Rumi.

[snowsprite]

Man, this thread is better than watching "Beaches."


Really...this is a great thread. Thanks for giving me food for thought, I'm in a similar place myself.

I can't really say anything intelligent today Buzz...so "what they said" and hang in there dude. You are lucky--good people care about you!

Sprite

[Lumpy]

I never tire of hearing how the members of this community take life by the horns and attempt to mold it to something that benefits thier quality of life (and in many cases the quality of other's lives). This group is full of idealistic, motivated, and forward thinking individuals who consistently take thier shot at living the good life...an inspiration for anyone who gets fed a shit sandwich and feels like laying down over it.

Buzz, you and Erica have begun to carve out a niche of that good life in fine fashion...you don't need to fret or question your choices of path forward too much. Sure, 30 is a speedbump which most normal individuals look at as a measuring stick in the life process. However, where you are at is a fine, fine place. If a career is what you want, then you've developed a solid base allready. If its something else then by all means, pursue it when you figger out what that is and don't worry...you've got lots of time to plan, succeed, fall down for a spell, get back up and wrestle it again.

You've married a wonderfull, supportive spouse (and that seems totally recipricol), live in a helluva spot in this wierd world, got a kennel full of Marmadukes, a pasture full of llamas, and a collective of supportive friends that would make most men envious!

I applaud where you are at and what you and Erica are doing with your lives...

I'se gots faith in you bruddah!!!

Look forward to tossing back a few Idehoo brews with you!

[[~]]

If you realize that all things change,
there is nothing you will try to hold on to.
If you aren't afraid of dying,
there's nothing you can't achieve.

Trying to control the future
is like trying to take the master carpenter's place.
When you handle the master carpenter's tools,
chances are that you'll cut yourself.

[cololi]

Buzz,

Everyone goes through this phase at some point. I think it is a necessary aspect of defining the type of person you desire to be. Sometimes you know the answer, you just have to figure out what the question is. I wish I could add more, but the words escape me at this point.

[Plakespear]

Man, I just got an e-mail that made me want to post in this thread. It seems that in my circle of freinds, the first real freind of mine just found out his wife's pregnant. The people I referred to in the previous post were more like people I know than freinds. So here's this guy, two weeks younger than me, with the job, wife, and looks like soon to be kids. I don't know, it just feels really f-in strange. I guess the only thing for me to do now is ride my bike down to the YMCA and swim 1000 yds.

[JR]

Originally posted by Buzzworthy
I am still a bit down and need to get my groove back. In other words, I am still kind of an emotional rollercoaster.

Well the rollercoaster sucks, but life is a series of ups and downs that never ends until it ends.....................for good.

The downs suck, but they make the highs that much sweeter. The older you get the more you relish those highs and take stock of the special things in life, like the people who have reached out to you in this thread, 'cause without people who care about you and vice versa, life is truly empty.

Like Ice said, dullards rarely get to where you are right now 'cause they just don't have the awareness.

[Crinkle]

Originally posted by gonzo
Has anyone else appreciated the lack of offensive, obstrusive, a-hole posts in this thread? I have...and I like it. A lot.

please refer to my first post.

I feel the need to upgrade, as my first post was kinda inane, not realizing how serious you (buzz) were about this.


Since I first started skiing at the age of 15, way back in PA, living as a suburb boy, all I wanted to do was move to Colorado. Didn't know why, never had been there, but figured that it held life's mysteries and answers for me. It seemed to contain all the best of what I enjoyed the most: hiking, skiing, mtn biking, big mountains. As I got older, I still held on to the dream, thinking that moving out there would somehow make my life better. My years on this planet kept getting higher and I was getting no closer to Colorado. I was working for the man 50+ hours a week and commuting 40 miles one way 5+ days a week. I kept thinking to myself, "this is not what life had in store for me, where is the living, where is the action"

Then, it changed in less than a month. December 1, 2001, I asked the love of my life to marry me (she said yes). December 30, 2001 we made some serious resolutions, instead of getting married in a year, we were going to get married in 6 months and by September we were going to move to Colorado, come hell or high water. What followed was one huge tsunami, it was the best ride of my life. Got married, did a reconisance trip to CO, scamed my work to let me change job responsiblities and work from home, moved to CO and in less than a year after moving here, bought a house and got another dog.

Now, I can't even begin to tell you how complete I feel, just turned 30, having a job that I don't hate, which is super flexible, learning all kinds of new mtb and skiing skills. I found this place, met a ton of you guys. Not that all this doesn't come at a price or have its pitfalls. Unfotunately, my wife has yet to find a job that she can tolerate, in debt up to my eyeballs at times from getting into the house too fast.

One crappy day last week, I threw my bike in the car and went out for a ride, just to escape it all. While out on my bike, shortly after a gruelling climb, it hit me: This is why I deal with all the crap, to have a moment of zen like this, realizing how incredibly lucky I am to be in the place that I dreamed of for years, doing what I love. I had a similar moment in Utah at the Mini, when i was ball deep in pow near the Supreme lift at Alta

Not that you should look at what others have or don't have, but writting a list of all the good things seems to make all the bad things really small. Smile enjoy life, pet your dogs, go for a ride and have a moment.


Life isn't always painted with broad strokes of the joy brush, but I'm living life jumping from puddle to puddle.

[Canuk]

Buzz - I have been fighting the 'who am I?' fight for a long time now. I thought I had the world by the tail when I left university. I was getting married to an awesome girl, moving to a new city - basically starting MY life. Along the way I got scared. In order to make myself feel better I starting trying to please everyone but myself. I lived like that for a long time. It cost me a couple of jobs, it cost me self respect, and it almost cost me my wife. Because I was so intent on putting up this front for everyone else, I resorted to very selfish, destructive behavior to medicate myself from the pain that I was feeling.

I got my wake up call this past November (some might recall from the old board). I came to understand that I was unhappy because I was living a totally self centered life. The image I tried to project, the work I was doing, the thoughts I was having, they were all selfish in one way or another.

I am now trying to life a selfless life. I am putting my wife, my daughter, my faith ahead of myself (or at least trying daily). It's been tough for me to change the lense with which I look at the world, but it has been worth it.

Hang in there Buzz - soon enough you will get things figured out. It sounds like you have a great group of people around you supporting you.

[TheDingleberry]

Buzz-

It is clearly time for you to put yourself before anyone else. Do what you want for yourself and not anyone else.As long as there is no one else that has a mandatory requirement for you to be concerned about (wife, kids ect.) be selfish.

[powfreak]

This thread hits on so many levels. I too am in a place where I question my purpose in life and things sometimes seem bleak. Thankfully I have a beautifull girl who has her head on right and is helping me along. My close friends also help, eventhough they don't know they are doing it. I can't thank these people enough.

Buzz and others, I can't really give any advice but what others have said on here seems pretty sound. I'm taking alot of this to heart. I'm looking at some major changes in my life soon. Some I look at hesitantly, some I embrace. I'm only starting down this difficult path but it's better than sitting on the rock letting life go by.

I hope that all of you may find your way. I also hope to make turns with most of you along the way.

Stoy, that was amazing.

Peace.

[GT40]

For me it was age 25. I had set goals for myself to get married, have kids, graduate from dental school, set up a dental practice and buy a house. After I had done that I was lost. My wife had to point out to me that I hadn't set any new challanges. After I did, I felt a lot better.

Helping your wife finish school was a big deal, but now it's done. What are your next big challanges? Something that really gets your imagination and energy flowing? Also don't live away from each other very much, it's tough on the relationship. Best of luck on your next big adventure. Dream Big.

[Buzzworthy]

Well, all this feeling alone stuff clearly is not true. Many of you I know personally, some I have met and the rest I would like to meet are there for me.

I have more to say, just trying to figure out how to word it.

Again, you guys are truely a great group.

[irul&ublo]

Originally posted by Mrs Roo
My tits are heading south.

Are they going to Mardi Gras?

[irul&ublo]

Buzz...

Don't let the time slip away...the thing about being thirty is that pretty fucking soon you're forty and so on (trust me, I know of what I speak)...Rip it up now and you'll still be able to do it when you're old(er). Look at Splat...he's like 62 and he still rips.