I just walked into the office bathroom and saw that there was a shit in the toilet, but no toilet paper in the toilet.
how can that be possible?
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I just walked into the office bathroom and saw that there was a shit in the toilet, but no toilet paper in the toilet.
how can that be possible?
Ker-plunker (otherwise known as splashback)
Toilet paper can damage septic systems. For the good plumbing systems everywhere, I usually just tuck the used toilet paper in my pocket and throw it away at the end of the day.Quote:
Originally Posted by HotTate
I scrape my ass clean with a set of Marker bindings. Helps save trees and it just seems so fittingly apropos.
Quote:
Originally Posted by HotTate
Well, if it was in the top deck, it's mine. SUPRISE!!!!! Otherwise I really can't help you out.
This is known as "the caveman". No wipe. You have a dirty colleague.
You guys are letting Jer use your can?Quote:
Originally Posted by HotTate
Did someone have the perfect poo?
Toilet paper was already used up. Dude found out after shitting. Is irritated coz he has to get to meeting in -5mins. Pulls up pants and moves over to next stall to wipe ass. Forgets to flush toilet.
Voila.
Wipe then poop. Duh.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tectonically_Neglected
http://www.24hourmuseum.org.uk/conte.../2004_2243.JPG
Haven't you ever flushed away a whole mess; toilet paper, pee, multiple logs...only to have the biggest turd come magically wash back during the final gurgle?
Caution: Keep your eyes open for someone walking around the office with a string of skid mark encrusted TP either stuck to their shoe or tucked in the back of their pants/skirt.
I also suggest you avoid shaking hands for the rest of the day.
Or more likely, just wearing one sock.Quote:
Originally Posted by FrankZappa
Add a few sheets to spare the poor fucker further embarassment?
This made me laughQuote:
Originally Posted by MakersTeleMark
Not mine but classic none the less...
How to Poop at Work
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE.
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH.
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME.
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER.
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN).
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS.
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR:
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH.
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET.
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED.
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY.
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there's no poopie in the toilet.
CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.
SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.
POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
GASSY POOPIE: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.
DRINKER'S POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait are the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
CORN POOPIE: Self explanatory.
GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
WET CHEEKS POOPIE (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
THE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.
THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poopie!
And...
DICTIONARY OF sh*t!!
A
Acid sh*t - That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splatters all over the inside of the toiletbowl, the whole time, chronically burning your tender anus
B
Back-to-Nature sh*t - This sh*t may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car
Bombshell - A sh*t that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to sh*t (i.e. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities
Brain Hemorrhage Through Your Nose sh*t or the Pop A Vein In Your Forehead sh*t - The kind where you strain so much to get it out that you practically have a stroke
C
Clean sh*t - The kind where you sh*t it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper
Corn sh*t - Self-explanatory
Crowd Pleaser - This sh*t is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing
D
Drinker's sh*t - That is the kind of sh*t you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread marks left on the bottom of the toilet
E
Energizer vs. Duracell sh*t - Also known as a "Still Going" sh*t
F
Floater - Characterised by its floatability, this sh*t has been known to resurface after many flushings
Flock of Seagulls sh*t - You drank some very yeasty beer the night before, you're driving along the only stretch of freeway with no service station for the next 50kms, you skid to a halt when you get there, drop your pants on your way in to the trap, and there's an immediate explosion, followed by the realisation that there's a new mottled wall-paper on the wall behind the bowl
Frightened Turtle sh*t - The kinda sh*t that pokes its head outa your as**ole and then shoots right back into your ass
G
'Gee, I Wish I Could sh*t,' sh*t - It's the kind where you want to sh*t, but all you can do is sit on the toilet cramped, and fart a few times
Ghost sh*t - That's the kind where you feel the sh*t come out, have sh*t on the toilet paper, but there's no sh*t in the toilet
Groaner - A sh*t so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance
Guiness Book of Records sh*t - A sh*t so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations
H
'Honeymoon's Over' sh*t - This is any sh*t created in the presence of another person
I
'I Think I'm Giving Birth Through My as**ole' sh*t - Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards
'I Think I'm Turning Into A Bunny' sh*t - When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water
'I'm Going To Chew My Food Better' sh*t - When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning
K
Klingon - A sh*t which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper
L
Lincoln Log sh*t - The kind of sh*t that is so huge that you're afraid to flush the toilet without breaking it into a few pieces with your toilet brush
Liquid Plumber sh*t - This kind of sh*t is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log sh*t.)
Liquid sh*t - That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splatters all over the inside of the toilet bowl, the whole time chronically burning your tender anus.
M
Mexican Food sh*t - A class all of its own
Mood Enhancer - This sh*t occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again
O
Olympic sh*t - This sh*t occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's sh*t
Ottoman sh*t - The kind where the odour of the mess creeps out of the restroom and throughout the building to make the entire building sick or near evacuation. (This has been noted to happen in several bowling alleys in the past few years especially.)
P
Pebbles-From-Heaven sh*t - An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T sh*t
Peek-A-Boo sh*t - Now you see it, now you don't. This sh*t is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control
Phantom sh*t - This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there
Poridge sh*t - The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless
Power Dump sh*t - The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done
Premeditated sh*t - Laxative induced. Doesn't count
R
Ripper sh*t - The kinda sh*t that rips the hair outa you ass when it comes out
Ritual - This sh*t occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper
S
Second Wave sh*t - It happens when you're done shitting, you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realise that you have to sh*t some more
Shitzophrenia - Fear of shitting - can be fatal!
Snake Charmer - A long skinny sh*t which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless
Spinal Tap sh*t - That's the kind where it hurts so much coming out that you swear it was leaving you sideways
W
Wet Cheeks sh*t (See also: Power Dump) - That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water
Wet sh*t - The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwipped so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with a brown stain
'What The Hell Died In Here?' sh*t - Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin and gasping for air
Whilst at work the other day, I sharted. Had to just throw them away. Funny in a way, very embarrassing in another way.
Do any of you really feel embarassment about what you do in the work bathroom? It's a bathroom. It's purpose is clear.
exactly. i go in there and let loose. doesn't matter if there's one person or every stall/urinal is taken. My goal is to get everything out as much as possible, cause I don't wanna come back anytime soon. i do laugh sometimes when I'm in the bathrooms and hear some unfortunate soul suffering through the grizzlies. loud, wet, stinky BMs can turn into a disaster for some people.Quote:
Originally Posted by counterfeitfake
poo in a toilet, facinating. I'm guessing one of your coworkers now has a very itchy ass. no?