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View Full Version : Coffee is good, but only when taken anally. (NSR)



Twoplanker
01-26-2004, 02:13 PM
Hesitantly, I went to my scheduled Chiropractor visit today. If you haven't read my previous posts, I've gone to this guy a couple of times and I've been feeling like this is not the guy for me. Healthwise, I'm feeling 100%. My back problem is gone, and I was just there because I didn't have time to cancel the appointment. While I'm waiting in the exam room, I'm reading this pamphlet produced at the office. Among a host of reasonable advice about how to live a healthy lifestlye, something catches my eye: The Coffee Enema. :confused:

Hey, I've had a few strong cups of Joe in my day, and I know to expect a good colon cleansing if the brew is dark enough. That's to be expected and if you've got good facility access, not entirely undesirable. A good, clean, colon blow starts my day out right and gives me a chance to catch up on my POWDER reading.

But right away, I knew the information contained within this pamphlet was about something different. This was immediately clear to me as I read the first line: "Altough coffee is not an acceptable drink, it can be useful as an enema". It went on describing how one goes about making the perfect cup of ass-brew. :eek:

Just as the chiropractor comes into the room, I desperately try to supress my giggles and the mental image of someone ordering at Starbucks: "Yeah, I'll have a venti non-fat chai latte. Oh, and I'll take it in the ass please."

I don't doubt that a coffee enema works (you can go here (http://www.ineedcoffee.com/01/01/enema/)
for more info), although I do think Juan Valdez would find the use of his handpicked beans a bit offensive.

I just found it supremely ironic that coffee, a drink which is more fond to me than beer, is only acceptable to this doctor when taken anally.

Thus, the final straw. I can't go to a chiropractor who only takes his coffee in the ass.

truth
01-26-2004, 02:16 PM
Would that be Greek coffee?

Twoplanker
01-26-2004, 02:20 PM
Originally posted by truth
Would that be Greek coffee?

heheh

http://www.sandersresearch.com/Sanders/Admin/NewsManager/Images/StoryImages/Greek%20Wrestling.jpg
Hycaphelanus prepares to serve a cup of coffee to his wrestling buddy.

KQ
01-26-2004, 02:25 PM
There's a well known case regarding patient requested treatment/med mal where a woman demanded so many coffee enemas that it depleted her electrolytes and eventually killed her.

Not good - coffee should be taken orally IMHO.

Twoplanker
01-26-2004, 02:27 PM
Originally posted by KQ
There's a well known case regarding patient requested treatment/med mal where a woman demanded so many coffee enemas that it depleted her electrolytes and eventually killed her.

Not good - coffee should be taken orally IMHO.

It's not the cofee enema that was shocking to me, per se. The fact that this was ok, yet drinking it is not, was the real shocker.

CaddyDaddy77
01-26-2004, 02:28 PM
So, if your caffeine intolerant like myself, (turns me into Beavis) what's the result of a coffee-enima?

KQ
01-26-2004, 02:30 PM
Originally posted by CaddyDaddy77
So, if your caffeine intolerant like myself, (turns me into Beavis) what's the result of a coffee-enima?

Decaf or regular?

splat
01-26-2004, 02:31 PM
Originally posted by CaddyDaddy77
So, if your caffeine intolerant like myself, (turns me into Beavis) what's the result of a coffee-enima?

I don't know, but I suggest using a cup without a handle.

Spats
01-26-2004, 02:33 PM
Earl weighs in on the controversy (http://www.monkeydyne.com/rmcs/dbcomic.phtml?rowid=545)

KQ
01-26-2004, 02:36 PM
Originally posted by Spats
Earl weighs in on the controversy (http://www.monkeydyne.com/rmcs/dbcomic.phtml?rowid=545)

LOL!!!

Twoplanker
01-26-2004, 02:36 PM
Originally posted by KQ
Decaf or regular?

The instructions were clear on one thing - don't use instant coffee.

KQ
01-26-2004, 02:40 PM
Why it works

The effects of a coffee enema are different than a saline enema. The most important difference between a saline enema and a coffee enema is the presence of caffeine in the coffee. Caffeine, theophylline and theobromine, combine to stimulate the relaxation of smooth muscles causing dilatation of blood vessels and bile ducts. The effects of having a coffee enema are not the same as drinking coffee. The veins of the anus are very close to the surface of the tissue. The caffeine is therefore absorbed more quickly (and in higher concentration) than it is in when coffee is drunk.

So it's like mainlining. Guess there's no sense in using decaf then.

Buzzworthy
01-26-2004, 02:42 PM
Originally posted by Twoplanker
I can't go to a chiropractor who only takes his coffee in the ass.

POTD, ROTFLMAO!!! :D

Twoplanker
01-26-2004, 02:43 PM
Originally posted by KQ
Why it works

The effects of having a coffee enema are not the same as drinking coffee.


No shit.

phUnk
01-26-2004, 02:44 PM
Originally posted by Twoplanker
The instructions were clear on one thing - don't use instant coffee. Duh. You might get the spoon stuck when you stir in the crystals.

KQ
01-26-2004, 02:44 PM
Originally posted by Twoplanker
No shit.

Brew shit - kinda lends new meaning to "percolated"

phUnk
01-26-2004, 02:45 PM
Originally posted by Twoplanker
No shit. Thank you, ladies & gentlemen. Twoplanker will be here all week.

Please remember to tip your waitress.

splat
01-26-2004, 02:48 PM
Sweet and Low?

overall, a salad a day has the same effect and much more nutrition.

'course the American Chemical whatever won't tell you that.

Twoplanker
01-26-2004, 02:53 PM
Originally posted by splat
Sweet and Low?



:D

Q: "How do you take your coffee?"

A: "Sweet and low, baby!"

phUnk
01-26-2004, 02:57 PM
Originally posted by splat
overall, a salad a day has the same effect and much more nutrition.
Yeah, but those radishes make me walk funny.

Lumpy
01-26-2004, 02:57 PM
Originally posted by truth
Would that be Greek coffee?

Hmmm, add the French Press to the equation and we get....?

Twoplanker
01-26-2004, 02:59 PM
Originally posted by Lumpy
Hmmm, add the French Press to the equation and we get....?

an international incident?

snowsprite
01-26-2004, 03:00 PM
OMG! This whole thread has me dying! I will never be able to keep a straight face again when asked "How do you take your coffee."

ROFL!

BanditXXX
01-26-2004, 03:02 PM
I will no longer be critical of you or your posts. Dude, you are one funny sumbitch. That shit is hilarious. You made my whole day. I couldn't stop laughing. You da man!!! LOL!!:eek:

BanditXXX
01-26-2004, 03:06 PM
You could make some money selling that to Andrew Dice Clay, LOL!! Sorry man, I'll be laughing all night..........................:eek:

Twoplanker
01-26-2004, 03:19 PM
Originally posted by BanditXXX
I will no longer be critical of you or your posts. Dude, you are one funny sumbitch. That shit is hilarious. You made my whole day. I couldn't stop laughing. You da man!!! LOL!!:eek:

Thanks! Hey, wait just a minute... when were you critical of me you sonofabitch??

Just kidding.

;)


This whole shitty topic has got me thinking, then searching the bowels of the Internet, and I found the following article. It's very funny, if a bit gruesome. Read on, but only if you've not recently eaten...

The Enema Within (http://www.guardian.co.uk/weekend/story/0,3605,663391,00.html)

tonghands
01-26-2004, 03:35 PM
Assuming that there are benefits to putting coffee in your ass, how exactly does one find this out? Were there a couple of guys sitting around bored one night who decided to insert various substances up their asses and check for possible health benefits? "Mayonaise, nope. Antifreeze, nope. Coffee - Hell yeah!"
Seems like it would leave burns in hard to reach areas as well.

Possible idea for a new franchise: Brownstarbucks

CaddyDaddy77
01-26-2004, 03:38 PM
Originally posted by tonghands
Assuming that there are benefits to putting coffee in your ass, how exactly does one find this out? Were there a couple of guys sitting around bored one night who decided to insert various substances up their asses and check for possible health benefits? "Mayonaise, nope. Antifreeze, nope. Coffee - Hell yeah!"
Seems like it would leave burns in hard to reach areas as well.

Possible idea for a new franchise: Brownstarbucks

On a not so scientific side, I thik this has been thouroghly researched by the guys on Jackass, fish, bottlerockets, etc..

LCC
01-26-2004, 03:40 PM
Originally posted by tonghands

Seems like it would leave burns in hard to reach areas as well.


I'd guess they let it cool down a tad first, but just guessing.

But you bring up a great point. Who's idea was this? I imagine it was similar to the first person to eat a shrimp or a crab or something. On a dare...

Twoplanker
01-26-2004, 03:42 PM
Originally posted by tonghands


Possible idea for a new franchise: Brownstarbucks

Oh, the possibilities...

Starbutts

Seattle's Butts Coffee

100% mountain grown Colon-bean coffee

Laxwell House

snowsprite
01-26-2004, 03:45 PM
Oh, and the revised slogans would be great!

"Relax...you're on Brown Mountain Time."

with a logo of a guy sitting on the crapper.

:D

Twoplanker
01-26-2004, 03:48 PM
Originally posted by snowsprite
Oh, and the revised slogans would be great!

"Relax...you're on Brown Mountain Time."

with a logo of a guy sitting on the crapper.

:D

That's guuud! :D

grrrr
01-26-2004, 03:59 PM
Yes, but how will they handle your drive-through espresso needs?

KQ
01-26-2004, 04:05 PM
Originally posted by grrrr
Yes, but how will they handle your drive-through espresso needs?

It's not a "drive up" window - it's a "back up" window.

Barista!!! Fill 'er up!!

PaSucks
01-26-2004, 04:07 PM
This is straight out of the South Park episode where they Cartmen shoves food up his ass and shits it out his mouth. I have not laughed this hard in a long time. Congradulations to two planker for funniest post of the day.

Plakespear
01-26-2004, 05:20 PM
Has anyone tried searching for a testimonial from someone who actually tried this?

CaddyDaddy77
01-26-2004, 05:30 PM
Originally posted by Plakespear
Has anyone tried searching for a testimonial from someone who actually tried this?

FAQ's about Coffee enima's (https://www.optimalhealthnetwork.com/tek9.asp?pg=faq)

I recently purchased a colon tube from you to use with my colonic equipment. However, I am having difficulty inserting it in very far. Do you have any idea what the problem might be? I have been doing colonics twice a week for a couple of years so I wouldn't think there should be any blockage.
Colon tubes are not always easy to use. Some people love them, but many find them very hard to use. Below are some essential guidelines to know when inserting a colon tube into your colon.


By no means force a colon tube.


The best way to insert a colon tube is to begin a flow of water after you have inserted the colon tube a few inches and then to create a channel by further inserting the colon tube in stages, gradually.


I recommend a medium diameter colon tube, French 28 to 32. Although, I do have many clients who swear by the thinner colon tubes.


Each person reacts differently to colon tubes, even when a 'channel' of enema water or solution is created. You might never get the tube all the way in, and you should NEVER force the tube.


It is not really necessary to get the colon tube all the way in to accomplish a 'high' enema. Use time, patience and gravity to your benefit. Unless your colon is congenitally abnormal, the enema should be able to reach the 'high' areas of the colon by taking at least 2 quarts of water.


Most likely, the best way to take a 'deep' colon tube insertion is to start out on your left side, take some tube and water, then after the tube is 'in' about 10+ inches, and turn over on your back, with hips elevated on a pillow or something. It's better to have someone else helping, but that's not possible for most people. Just remember that it's not necessarily how deep the colon tube goes in but, rather, how deep the water goes in that really counts. This takes time, relaxation and listening to one's own body.


Before you insert the colon tube, lay it out on a flat surface. Take note of its natural curve. As you insert the colon tube, slide it into your colon so that this natural curve corresponds with the curve of your colon.


Remember, it is not a contest to see how much of the colon tube you can take, and you do NOT want to force the tube and perforate your colon, believe me! For a more in-depth discussion on colon tubes, please refer to our CD book, The Illustrated Guide to In-Home Colon Cleansing.

AntiSoCalSkier
01-26-2004, 05:37 PM
Originally posted by CaddyDaddy77
It's better to have someone else helping...

Volunteers?

tonghands
01-26-2004, 05:41 PM
Originally posted by CaddyDaddy77


I recommend a medium diameter colon tube, French 28 to 32.

Make mine a Freedom colon tube and a bit younger if possible.

DINMS
01-26-2004, 05:45 PM
What if you used redbull?

Barnballs
01-26-2004, 05:53 PM
Laxwell House

HAHAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA.......

Kona or Colna?


Most likely, the best way to take a 'deep' colon tube insertion is to start out on your left side, take some tube and water, then after the tube is 'in' about 10+ inches


.......going just fine till the '10+ inches' part...

DINMS
01-26-2004, 06:07 PM
Originally posted by Viva
What...a whole can?

3 or 4.

CaddyDaddy77
01-26-2004, 06:12 PM
Originally posted by DINMS
3 or 4.

I think you would get better results if you took it out of the can.

Then again what do I know.

Lumpy
01-26-2004, 06:18 PM
Laxwell House...good to the last dump.

Lumpy
01-26-2004, 06:19 PM
"Fill it to the rim with Brim" takes on a new light.

CaddyDaddy77
01-26-2004, 06:20 PM
Originally posted by Lumpy
"Fill it to the rim with Brim" takes on a new light.


BWWWWAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

tonghands
01-26-2004, 06:20 PM
Originally posted by CaddyDaddy77
For a more in-depth discussion on colon tubes, please refer to our CD book, The Illustrated Guide to In-Home Colon Cleansing.

Wow, just noticed this. One can only hope a scratch and sniff version is not in the works.

Lumpy
01-26-2004, 06:21 PM
And what about Cowboy Coffee? Them coarse grind beans might leave some chafing in the tunnel...

CaddyDaddy77
01-26-2004, 06:23 PM
Originally posted by Lumpy
And what about Cowboy Coffee? Them coarse grind beans might leave some chafing in the tunnel...

That's the beauty, it will really get after the chicken fried steak and biscuts and gravy you had for breakfast two years ago.

fridge
01-26-2004, 07:47 PM
Originally posted by CaddyDaddy77
Remember, it is not a contest to see how much of the colon tube you can take

Sounds like a challenge.

Red Baron
01-26-2004, 09:02 PM
Bump, just for craps sake...:rolleyes:

lax
01-26-2004, 10:02 PM
Originally posted by fridge
Sounds like a challenge.

hahhaha, youre on

splat
01-26-2004, 10:20 PM
Starbutts - where 'a shot of esspresso' takes on a hole new meaning.

iceman
01-26-2004, 11:03 PM
Originally posted by tonghands
Wow, just noticed this. One can only hope a scratch and sniff version is not in the works.

Okay, that's funny.

seldon
01-26-2004, 11:15 PM
I wonder if its a new way of steaming the milk before using it.

Spats
01-27-2004, 02:07 AM
Originally posted by CaddyDaddy77
For a more in-depth discussion on colon tubes, please refer to our CD book, The Illustrated Guide to In-Home Colon Cleansing.

My Christmas shopping is done and it's only January!

Cornholio
01-27-2004, 09:01 AM
Originally posted by lax
hahhaha, youre on

Sorry, dood, but... that's just weird.

L7
01-27-2004, 01:20 PM
I can't believe I just bothered to read this. Funny as hell.
Now Macdonalds reportedly uses higher temperatures to extract more flavour from the beans. This has proven profitable for some older woman fiddlining with coffee lids while the cup is between their legs.

Any lawyers want to speculate on lawsuits involving Macdonalds and enemas? Do they need a disclaimer on the cup? Maybe, 'let cool before injecting'? KQ you're a lawer aren't you? Some may need help with this.

DINMS
01-27-2004, 05:47 PM
Yeah out of the can...that would tingle....

Spats
06-20-2004, 08:04 PM
^

Bumping a classic!

PaSucks
06-21-2004, 03:59 AM
:D

Spats, thanks for bumping this out of left field.

irul&ublo
06-21-2004, 08:32 AM
How do you get the cup in there?

snowsprite
06-21-2004, 09:34 AM
I heart coffee-related threads. Even if they mention colons.

And this reminds me...time for another cup of coffee (to be taken orally, ya pervs!)
:p
Sprite

Woodsy
06-28-2004, 03:13 PM
Brownstar Bucks coming soon to a strip mall near YOU!

phUnk
06-28-2004, 05:03 PM
Originally posted by Woodsy
Brownstar Bucks coming soon to a strip mall near YOU! "Welcome to Brownstar Bucks. Would you like to try our new Chocolate Starfish treats today?"

seldon
06-29-2004, 01:35 PM
Originally posted by Viva
I wonder if jamming a handful of espresso beans up your a$$ has the same effect....no, no I don't.
Only if you pour hot water up there as well. ;)

EPSkis
06-29-2004, 01:41 PM
Originally posted by seldon
Only if you pour hot water up there as well. ;)

You'll need a "friend", but here's your solution:
http://www.optimalhealthnetwork.com/images/products/2qtfountCT.jpg

Spats
07-07-2005, 11:10 PM
^ Thread anniversary bump

FNG
07-08-2005, 02:18 AM
Spats, you're fuckin' on fire. Nice bump.

DBdude
07-08-2005, 07:50 AM
funny read. this is a repeat. thought it was originally in this thread. I think Dex originally posted it.

"Ian Belcher took some persuading to go on a colonic irrigation holiday,..."

http://www.guardian.co.uk/weekend/story/0,3605,663391,00.html

Mcwop
07-08-2005, 07:55 AM
So when people ask me "What is the difference between the Barking Bear forums and TGR?" - I tell him on barking bear coffee goes in the mouth, on TGR it goes up your anus.

Steven S. Dallas
07-08-2005, 07:58 AM
Coffee up the ass is great, especially if you already have cream in your jeans.

splat
08-20-2006, 03:32 PM
One thing is guaranteed -
The coffee enema will perk you up and sit you down.
Both at the same time.

But, Dallas - how do you stir it?

Andy_B
08-22-2006, 02:03 PM
Thanks for the bump, Splat.

My day needed an amusing read.

devone
10-30-2006, 12:54 AM
thanks for the information.

Monny
09-14-2007, 04:00 AM
ya sure coffee is good but i love to drink green tea in the morning
because green tea (http://www.total-diet.com/56-green-tea-weight-loss/)helps me in reducing my weight and maintain my metabolism rate and sugar level ,it also acts as a glucose regulator.

Core Shot
06-07-2008, 10:42 AM
Wow.
I was just searching to see what folks thought about coffee pods or keurig K-cups, but this is way off base.

alita
06-25-2008, 06:34 AM
Hello all!!
Well yes i agree that coffee is good if consumed at times and not regularly. It keeps one active throughout the day and if it is consumed in larger volume its going to be really harmful to the health. There is a sheer impact of it on one's metabolic system. One should be careful while consuming coffee and should consume the right volume and should not overdose.

BigDaddyLionfish
08-03-2008, 04:10 PM
Hello all!!
Well yes i agree that coffee is good if consumed at times and not regularly. It keeps one active throughout the day and if it is consumed in larger volume its going to be really harmful to the health. There is a sheer impact of it on one's metabolic system. One should be careful while consuming coffee and should consume the right volume and should not overdose.


Epic fail