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View Full Version : The Pantsuit Effect. A Trip Report.



tonghands
09-23-2005, 12:01 AM
I shower, I shave, I polish my tongs to a glamorously sexy shine. Roll up to the chica's house. First impression, not bad, cute blonde. Second impression, jesus my fucking eyes what the fuck is she wearing? A cream colored blouse and a peach pantsuit. Jesus, a fucking pantsuit? Is she interviewing to be a bank teller? This girl, who presumably had the time to reject other choices, is sporting a fucking pantsuit? I'm in a hoodie, jeans, and flip flops. She's in a pantsuit. PANTSUIT, PANTSUIT, PANTSUIT. Weird, if you say it a lot it's like the word loses all meaning. Nothing says hot girl on guy action like a pantsuit.

There are no songs about pantsuits.

Pantsuit smiles and lets me in. Her smile is the horrifying smile of a TV weatherman with a name like Bruce Storm or Roger Thunderhead or Shitbag Windyfuck. Her relatively attractive face turns into the face of a jackal intent on stealing my soul, or perhaps Kirstie Alley upon finding out that her mortal enemy owns an all you can eat restaurant. What sounds like the Three Tenors is playing on the stereo, if indeed the fat tenor didn't eat the other two prompting a name change to something like 'The Fat, Cannibal Tenor' or maybe 'The King of all Tenors the Hard Way' or even "Ask Me About the Other Tenors and I'll Fucking Eat You Too". This date is not going to a ball of sunshine.

A pox on all pantsuits, a curse on the pantsuits, such is the will of god.

Pantsuit is a bit crestfallen to find out that my ride is a gigantic van filled with stuff Maggots would think is cool but boring people don't get, and so we end up taking her euro sport status wagon, which turns out to be a major tactical error on my part. Always leave an escape route. Conversation on the way is a bit stilted. Her questions are clearly aimed at finding out whether or not I will make an suitable life partner who will allow her to reproduce and live in the style to which she'd like to become accustomed. Finally we arrive at a restaurant for which I am severely underdressed.

We've got pantsuits, they're not cool, we've got pantsuits, how 'bout you!

Pantsuit orders something that sounds like 'penis grease' and I am sorta bummed when it just turns out to be wine. For a brief moment I thought maybe things were looking up. Conversation hasn't improved much. She asks where I grew up and other tedious stuff. Bored, I try to talk about cool stuff:

"Hey Pantsuit, did you know that there's this disease called Kuru that people in New Guinea get from eating dead people's brains?"

"Oh, that's disgusting."

"Well, yeah. That's why it kicks so much ass."

"Let's talk about something more pleasant, what do you do for a living?"

"Ummm.... that's kinda hard to explain. What about you?"

"Well I ...". Hoooooooly crap. Pantsuit Powers Activate! This woman has control of time! The next half an hour actually takes well over eighteen hours of normal, non-pantsuit time and is filled with talk of pilates futures hedge funds and her job in holistic interior design arbitrage. I may have that wrong, I can't really remember. I do remember ordering 6x10^18th bourbons. I recall drinking a bunch of them. I recall hate. Einstein's theory of General Relativity will now have to be re-jiggered to take into account the time dilation power of what I call 'The Pantsuit Effect'.

Pantsuit, Pantsuit, Pantsuit!

"...and so that's my career." Great googly-moogly! She's stopped! I recall a distinct Doppler effect as her vocal cords stopped vibrating. "Huh. Ummmm, cool? I gotta pee." Sweet freedom! I resolve to end this monstrosity and so tell her upon my return that I'm not feeling so well and need to go home. Pantsuit appears disappointed, no doubt because she doesn't have the opportunity to sonically lacerate me any more. As we arrive at my car Pantsuit wonders "If you'd like to come in for a nightcap?". A nightcap! Hoooly christ I'm not going in there. This harpy's idea of foreplay is a filibuster. Pantsuit then asks if she can call me sometime. Like hell she can call me sometime. Like I'm going to allow her to use the one appliance she can do maximum damage with. Pantsuit, I'm gone baby.

Mothers, don't let your babies grow up to wear pantsuits

phUnk
09-23-2005, 12:15 AM
A baudy tale! Huzzah!

Spats
09-23-2005, 12:19 AM
tonghands wins. POTW for sure.

mitch buchannon
09-23-2005, 12:22 AM
http://altura.speedera.net/ccimg.catalogcity.com/190000/192200/192244/Products/12284553.jpg

Like that?

Excellent post. Hope the bourbon doesn't hurt in the morning.

yogachik
09-23-2005, 12:28 AM
:D
Okay, I've sent this link to everyone I know. Expect new maggettes. POTW? no way, POTYear! That TR rocks!

worth repeating:


"Hey Pantsuit, did you know that there's this disease called Kuru that people in New Guinea get from eating dead people's brains?"

"Oh, that's disgusting."

"Well, yeah. That's why it kicks so much ass."

truth
09-23-2005, 12:38 AM
A baudy tale! Huzzah!
Where for art thou phUnk?

Bawdy was more Chaucer no? Huzzah brings back bad memories of bad memories. Memories unfilled with baudy mammories.

But I digress, tongman tongman he's our man. If he can't depantsuit no on can!

Crinkle
09-23-2005, 12:53 AM
my man, you can weave a tale. I'm in stiches here. Coming through with the instant classic.

Toby
09-23-2005, 12:54 AM
Great googly-moogly!I love that show!

Beware the pantsuit! Excellent TR.

cafowler
09-23-2005, 01:31 AM
I haven't laughed so hard in a long time at
Pantsuit orders something that sounds like 'penis grease' and I am sorta bummed when it just turns out to be wine. For a brief moment I thought maybe things were looking up.Reminds me of early SNL and Dan Ackroid slip's. I am going to try this next time I am at a nice restaurant with hotty waitress, or sommelier.

Me: "I would like a bottle of the penis grease",

Hotty: "Penis Grease?"

Me: "I am sorry?"

Hotty: "You want a bottle of what?"

Me: "a bottle of your best Pinot Gregio, what's that?"

Hotty: "I thought you said something else."

Me: "Sorry, what'd you think I said?"

yada, yada.

Absolutly one of the best written pieces I have read ever. Very funny

Kirk

Arty50
09-23-2005, 01:35 AM
Now THAT's what I call a post.

At least it sounds like you got some nice bourbon out of the deal. Although, that's what probably had her fooled. Next time order some Night Train or Mad Dog. Nothing makes a statement like some nice fortified wine.

MOHSHSIHd
09-23-2005, 01:44 AM
me like this thread...yay pantsuits

watersnowdirt
09-23-2005, 01:53 AM
so, did you get some or what???



hahaha, just kidding. That was hilarious. Somewhere in a parallel universe, she's writing a TR on her pantsuit forum about the guy with the freaky van full of weird gear.

ulty_guy
09-23-2005, 02:13 AM
OMFG LMFAO :D

aspenskibum
09-23-2005, 02:44 AM
you;re one funny fucker tong. I think you've got a future as a writer, maybe then at least you'd have one thing to impress the pantsuits of the world. But hey, i have one question, she offers you a nightcap, shes a cute blonde, and you don't take it? Maybe the burboun tired you out, or there is one more faccet to the pantsuit effect, because i think you're out of your mind for not tieing her up with her goddamn pantsuit, like it seemed like she wanted. After all her questioning she probably concluded, hey, definitly not money making, husband material here, but in my expeiriance, if girls like that ever do have a one night stand, chances are they pick a guy like you or me. Anyway, still some funny shit. Had me laughing enough to write this little rant.

Endlessseason
09-23-2005, 03:21 AM
Freaking Funny ! ! !
I am so glad I clicked on this thread even though "Pantsuit" in the title almost killed it for me. Insano gonzo writing, Tonghands!
http://www.endlessseason.com/smilies/rotating.gif http://www.endlessseason.com/smilies/rotflmao2.gif http://www.endlessseason.com/smilies/rotflmao3.gif http://www.endlessseason.com/smilies/rotflmao.gif http://www.endlessseason.com/smilies/rotflmao_y.gif

Big E
09-23-2005, 06:23 AM
Instant classic! Refreshing change from the idiocy (and I mean that in a bad, pantsuit-sort of way) of the past week.

Aldo
09-23-2005, 06:40 AM
Brilliant! A crushing blow to crisply tailored women everywhere! What next??

Mrs Roo
09-23-2005, 06:50 AM
Bloody marvelous read!

What's even funnier for me (in a kind of juvenile way) is that in the UK your pants are your under wear (you must know that) so I have images of a jacket-knicker combo.................in peach (yuk).

I now will try to get the word 'pantsuit' in at least one conversation today.

Monique
09-23-2005, 07:06 AM
This harpy's idea of foreplay is a filibuster.[/i]

Worthy of Tom Robbins, absolutely perfect post. And now I am wondering if any of the Lenas crew got slapped after offering the local women a nice glass of "penis gringo."

https://www.tetongravity.com/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=7492&stc=1

powder11
09-23-2005, 07:09 AM
single guy rule # 367:
never let fashion get in the way of you getting laid :tdo13:

Powder Seeker
09-23-2005, 07:17 AM
lol! This thread was hillarious and a great way to start off my morning! :D

bagtagley
09-23-2005, 07:23 AM
It's been a while tonghands. I lauged before even opening the thread.

I'm surprised she didn't ask about the tongs. Most likely she planned to "learn" about them after the night cap.

half-fast
09-23-2005, 07:27 AM
should have gone for it. once you go pantsuit, you never go back.

bad_roo
09-23-2005, 07:29 AM
How did this bizarre and ill-starred hookup come to pass?

Twoplanker
09-23-2005, 07:34 AM
Death to pantsuits.

Great work!

shamrockpow
09-23-2005, 07:39 AM
Worthy of Tom Robbins, absolutely perfect post. And now I am wondering if any of the Lenas crew got slapped after offering the local women a nice glass of "penis gringo."

https://www.tetongravity.com/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=7492&stc=1
"My hair is perfect, no?"

Tap
09-23-2005, 07:42 AM
1) this was very funny, thanks Tong
2) i'm still hung over. meh.

lemon boy
09-23-2005, 07:49 AM
:yourock: :yourock: :yourock: :yourock:

iceman
09-23-2005, 07:51 AM
Tong, you gotta write this shit down, man!

Wait...

jibij
09-23-2005, 08:03 AM
I just read the altoids TR for the first time too and if you're not writing for a living, you've possibly missed your calling. Although doing shit for a living can make it suck.

Would you have done her in stirrup pants? I mean you, in stirrup pants... not her... cause they just make you feel sassy.

Buster Highmen
09-23-2005, 08:04 AM
Supremely stoopid stuff!

13
09-23-2005, 08:21 AM
Ha! I needed that laugh.

A-wreck
09-23-2005, 08:48 AM
So which one of those pics is a good representation of a pantsuit?

I was picturing more of a one piece.

iceman
09-23-2005, 09:16 AM
This is Celine Dion in a pantsuit.

http://www.celinesmusic.com/images/IN%20PANTSUIT%20WAVINGTEST.jpg

bad_roo
09-23-2005, 09:18 AM
She looks like she's warding an evil spirit away from an impending camel toe incident.

grrrr
09-23-2005, 09:22 AM
Holy crap, that's funny.













I'da still fucked her.

altagirl
09-23-2005, 09:23 AM
so, did you get some or what???



hahaha, just kidding. That was hilarious. Somewhere in a parallel universe, she's writing a TR on her pantsuit forum about the guy with the freaky van full of weird gear.


Heh. That's exactly what I was thinking. I bet she was equally impressed with you. How in the hell did you end up on a date with this chick anyway?

board
09-23-2005, 09:32 AM
Hilarious post...you should have fucked her. The pantsuit has zero power when lying crumpled on the floor.

teleee
09-23-2005, 09:34 AM
Im speechless. Best post of a bad date EVER!

Stu Gotz
09-23-2005, 09:41 AM
I may be in the minority here, but I dig women who wear suits.

Just not on dates.

http://fp.anntaylor.com/@v=0148@/Images/Catalog/ProductImages/W556l.jpg

A-wreck
09-23-2005, 09:43 AM
Yeah, the corporate look can be hott.
But only because you're imagining them taking off the suit and crawling under your desk.

http://www.nykola.com/images/theorysuit.jpg

http://web.bentley.edu/students/z/zampier_stef/fashion1.jpg

Free Range Lobster
09-23-2005, 09:55 AM
Someone has to ask:

Who on god's green earth did you piss off to get a date with someone who wears a pantsuit?

Take it from tong kids, intarweb dating don't work.

tonghands
09-23-2005, 10:03 AM
How did this bizarre and ill-starred hookup come to pass?

Never trust short, weasley looking Australian bastard's concept of 'hot'. These are the same guys who call it XXXX because they can't remember how to spell beer.

Buster Highmen
09-23-2005, 10:34 AM
I suppose that under the pantsuit she was hirsute. Or was the pantsuit simply hirsute?

Monique
09-23-2005, 10:46 AM
I suppose that under the pantsuit she was hirsute. Or was the pantsuit simply hirsute?

How astute!

wicked_sick
09-23-2005, 10:51 AM
I suppose that under the pantsuit she was hirsute. Or was the pantsuit simply hirsute?

that's a good word.

freshie247
09-23-2005, 10:56 AM
It may be true,but that doesn't make it funny or un-offensive.The constitution states that freedom of fashion rights are god given & can't be taken away without due process from the Central Scrutinizer Commission.

Not only was there widespread condemnation & scorn, but We just received a favorable ruling against a man that stated that spandex & bare midriff is a privilege,not a right.

"I like your style Dude,I heard you made it to the semis."

I like your style too,...you got a whole cowboy thing going on.

"One thing though,..do you always have to swear so much?"

What the fuck r you talkin about?

"Have it your way Dude."

Buster Highmen
09-23-2005, 10:57 AM
How astute!
Destitute, in ill repute, sex mute, refute the root, she's a snoot to boot.

rippah
09-23-2005, 11:00 AM
tonghands, you have some talent there lad.

Very funny shit.

Keep it up.

meatdrink9
09-23-2005, 11:12 AM
Damn, why didn't you continue the story and go inside? Nothing ventured nothing gained. I want more. I can't imagine where this thing would have went and the bizarre sexual tendencies of the pantsuit wearer. You probably would've made love with Real Estate ads and Motivational tapes in the background.

slim
09-23-2005, 11:14 AM
You probably would've made love with Real Estate ads and Motivational tapes in the background.

Made love. Bwaaaaaahahahahahahahaha.

bad_roo
09-23-2005, 11:16 AM
http://www.petplanet.co.uk/shop_dev/assets/new_product_images/burberry/trouser_suit.jpg

Clack
09-23-2005, 11:17 AM
I always learn new words from buster's posts. I think I had to look up three of them yesterday.

cj001f
09-23-2005, 11:20 AM
Destitute, in ill repute, sex mute, refute the root, she's a snoot to boot.
Eat, Root, Shoot & leave my man.

meatdrink9
09-23-2005, 11:22 AM
Made love. Bwaaaaaahahahahahahahaha.

So maybe I like pantsuits. ;)

natty dread
09-23-2005, 11:46 AM
Is pantsuit a local?
She will be mine, oh yes. :D

"This harpy's idea of foreplay is a filibuster."
Love your stuff bro!!

grrrr
09-23-2005, 12:20 PM
Curious - just who was "slumming" in this situation?

skierX
09-23-2005, 12:26 PM
your gay

truth
09-23-2005, 01:07 PM
So maybe I like pantsuits. ;)

Note to self...

Tippster
09-23-2005, 01:26 PM
Oh HELL yes.

'Twas worth the wait, bruddah. Thank You for making my cheeks hurt like hell.... again.

acostiga
09-23-2005, 02:17 PM
bravo, sir. bravo.

spanky
09-23-2005, 02:27 PM
Great writing and a great read.

Are you sure there weren't any cameras from the Blind Date TV show following you (http://www.blinddatetv.com)? If not, you should sell this story to them.

Monique
09-24-2005, 11:17 AM
bumpalicious

Dromond
09-24-2005, 03:04 PM
single guy rule # 367:
never let fashion get in the way of you getting laid :tdo13:

And risk seeing the Pantsuit again?

Methinks long-term strategies must sometimes come into play.

gonzo
09-24-2005, 04:14 PM
Any chance we can set this chick up with Splat con helmet cam?

Brewski2
09-27-2005, 08:57 AM
That was friggin hilarious! I'm sittlin here in some quiet, subdued, cafe gettin dirty looks from das Deutchers for laughing my ass off! I also say you should have sacked up and gone inside. But I have never been subjected to the 'power of the pant suit'. Great writtng man!

snowsprite
09-27-2005, 12:05 PM
Bwa! How did I miss this!?

You are the man, Tong. And bump for anyone else who needs to laugh today!

Sprite

yentna
09-27-2005, 01:53 PM
Laugh. Laugh. Laugh! Cubicles suck for threads like these!

mtnwriter
09-27-2005, 08:09 PM
absofuckinglutely ribald!

lph
09-27-2005, 08:21 PM
Absolutely fucking hilarious!!!!

Great tale, tonghands, you definitely had me LMAO! :D

slushed
09-27-2005, 11:03 PM
Never trust short, weasley looking Australian bastard's concept of 'hot'. These are the same guys who call it XXXX because they can't remember how to spell beer.

As a fellow aussie - I appreciate his sence of humor. Especially as she still wasn't hot enought for you after all that JD.

altachic
03-22-2006, 06:01 PM
I had to bump this.

DTM said "penis grease" after I said Pinot Grigio.

I said, "what?" You know, the Pantsuit Effect...ummm, yeah, this TR is so effing funny.:biggrin:

BOOMTOWN58
03-24-2006, 10:38 AM
Heres a nice pants suit!
http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c192/boomtown58/gaper.jpg

RootSkier
04-11-2006, 02:11 PM
Ooops........

P_McPoser
04-26-2006, 11:19 PM
ba-bump. :biggrin:

smalls
09-20-2006, 01:01 PM
bump for hilarity.

my friend went on a date with a pantsuit last night and this instantly came to mind.

MrClean
02-19-2007, 01:09 PM
Bump

Went on a date yesterday... she wore pantsuits. It went downhill from there and I am now where near as eloquent as Tong.

hikeitfirst
02-19-2007, 01:31 PM
even more hilarious this time around. every time I see one I think of this!

edit: and will never be caught alive in one...

road trip
05-18-2007, 10:07 AM
snicker,snicker. interviewing people this week. how to maintain professional face when pantsuits are parading around like parrots at a park!

"Please describe for me you qualifications, specifically speaking to your pantsuit, err, past experiences..."

jepilot
04-10-2008, 05:05 PM
Bump for funny thing I just saw on CNN


TWuJbOB1kdw

L7
04-10-2008, 05:14 PM
Man I'd forgotten that one. Great wind up on the 'Mother of all pantsuits' as well.

srsosbso
06-12-2008, 04:19 PM
Bump for the funniest story ever. Laughed till I cried. Thank god I found this.

maximmax
03-13-2010, 12:30 PM
done what to them? sued? i hope its something like that instead of getting beat up or something..

what could they do? its our opinions/comments.

im not questioning your move either brandon. im just protesting the people who wanted it deleted.

Maximus Farcisimus
11-16-2010, 01:08 AM
This is why I am here

mfkracing
10-09-2012, 09:38 PM
May I suggest traveling back in time and highlight the first post in this thread and utilize the "Start Speaking" function of your Safari web browser. The wonders of modern technology.

::: :::
10-13-2016, 09:05 AM
Bump for hildawg

mtnwriter
10-16-2016, 04:00 PM
https://youtu.be/E25z2Av3pys

wyeaster
11-26-2016, 08:26 AM
butt dial

mc089a
11-29-2016, 03:53 PM
Bump this epic thread

~mikey b
12-12-2017, 10:20 PM
Bump

willywhit
03-01-2018, 04:10 PM
why didn't someone tell Hillary about the potential dangers of the pantsuit effect ?

grinch
03-01-2018, 06:51 PM
Hope Hicks is a smoke show in a pantsuit

abraham
04-14-2018, 12:59 AM
Bump for lesbians in pot leaf patterned pantsuits at the club

GoldMember
04-17-2018, 09:51 AM
hmmm.....pantsuits live on. In my mind, this is what they should be.

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/4d/f8/2a/4df82a6ab8a87ad288bf0e6ac32e5d4c.jpg

But this is what it's become...

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/95/a0/bc/95a0bce87d8c5a8aae2d7d483ad6d56a.jpg

nutmegchoi
05-06-2018, 07:48 PM
why didn't someone tell Hillary about the potential dangers of the pantsuit effect ?

You gotta wear pantsuit to crack nuts?

235023

Jillianwyatt
02-25-2020, 02:36 AM
Thanks for Sharing

Danno
03-14-2021, 12:33 AM
This will always be one of the best TRs in TGR history. I felt the need for a pantsuit refresher.

mtnwriter
03-14-2021, 09:34 AM
I always think of this TR when I drink “penis grease”.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

John_B
03-15-2021, 08:47 PM
Thanks for the bump. Now I'm off in search of the Altoids TR. And the Smoke Alarm TR.

imgdesign
06-16-2021, 06:48 PM
Hmmmm :tdo13:, thanks for Sharing :yourock:

Core Shot
06-16-2021, 07:01 PM
Thanks for the bump. Now I'm off in search of the Altoids TR. And the Smoke Alarm TR.

I missed the smoke alarm

Altoids in the by wrong hole is epic tonghands

That mag needs to come back.


Hmmmm :tdo13:, thanks for Sharing :yourock:

One post jong or bot.
With a sperm and you rock emoji?