in case you were not aware

[basom]

Gonzo is a riveting story teller.

he even had splats jaw dropping last night at the insanity of 'the most fucked up thing that ever happened to him'

so if you ever get the chance, ask him to swear on the bible, and then have him tell you how many drinks is reasonable to have at an open bar event.
the story you will incite by asking this question will have you shaking your stupified head.

[mildbill.]

it was quite the story.

[iceman]

Do tell.

[basom]

ask honc, i cant relate it as i'm still a quivering pile of goo after hearing that insane tale.

[vinzclortho]

can we guess on the number of acceptible drinks?

was this a wedding or a work function?

[basom]

yes you can guess, but it wont glean too much insight.

still a fun game.

party put on by friends i belive. now imagine you are telling this number of drinks to a jury, in a court of law, with a straight face.

[mildbill.]

basom--for the sake of others that may one day hear this story, please stop giving shit away. is your mind a peice of shit or what?

[Stu Gotz]

Is this a hard number, or a "I lost track after 3 dozen" number.

[basom]

Originally posted by basom
yes you can guess, but it wont glean too much insight.



my mind is constanly a piece of shit. what the fuck did i say? it didn't sound for shit did it?

[phUnk]

Story-time, fuckface.

Now spill it!

[VTskibum]

Originally posted by mildbill.
basom--for the sake of others that may one day hear this story, please stop giving shit away. is your mind a peice of shit or what?

Yeah I've gotta agree... damn board ruined the Village for me and now this!! At least post a spoiler contained within message

[snowsprite]

Maybe "Gonzo storytelling hour" can be a group activity at the upcoming Summit...after the cuddling party which requires us to moo like cows, sway for a while, and then fall to our sides (hey, Viva thinks it's a good idea).

Sprite

[gonzo]

I'll type it up! Kinda surpised I haven't put it up before - perfect for unsmart things done.

Keep in mind that the two spliffs prior to story time made it extra good. I definitely couldn't feel my legs.

The teaser: When a Boston PD dectective and later a Grand Jury asks you how many drinks you had at the X-Mas party attended by long lost drinking buddies from college that was open bar for 6 hours, what do you say?

[Stu Gotz]

I'll take the six hour open bar for $300 dollars, Alex.

[vinzclortho]

Originally posted by gonzo
The teaser: When a Boston PD dectective and later a Grand Jury asks you how many drinks you had at the X-Mas party attended by long lost drinking buddies from college that was open bar for 6 hours, what do you say?


I am going to venture a guess of 3 beers, 16 cocktails and 2 shots of tequila.

did I win?

[Tyrone Shoelaces]

"all of them occifer"


?

[gonzo]

Originally posted by vinzclortho
I am going to venture a guess of 3 beers, 16 cocktails and 2 shots of tequila.

did I win?

:D

[iceman]

"As God is my witness, officer, I only had two beers."

[gonzo]

So every year some buddies from college throw this Christmas Party. We all go and try to get girls to go and try to drink like we did in college and just wreck ourselves. Safe to say that the vast majority of people at the party have “impaired memories” to say the least. So a few years ago the party is at SW1 in boston which is right across from the park street T stop. OK bar, but perfect for us - lots of bar space, lots of bartenders, and jesus they were not shy with the volume in the drinks and shots. The second you ordered 10 shots of jaeger you had 10 tumblers of “free” jaeger sitting in front of you…it was that kind of rig. DJ blaring 80s dance tunes, everyone whacking shots, pounding beers, dancing. Lots of people dressed up all crazy and stupid with stupid pants and afro wigs and the like. Glasses being smashed against the back wall, etc. etc. etc. The end of the time in the bar is definitely blurry - I remembers getting kicked out when they were done serving - I remember hearing about an after-party at our buddies place out on mass ave - I remember one of my buddys kicking the bouncers car out front and getting his ass kicked…but that is about it…The next thing I remember is stumbling along the edge of the common looking for a cab with Honc and our buddy Wil. We just starting walking into traffic waving our arms, wigs in hand trying to get a ride. No luck, surprisingly. It was mid-December in boston - raining - no jackets - stupid pants and afro wigs. We walk for a while all three on autopilot and the many many cocktails consumed just prior still pumping through and all of it definitely has not taken affect…we keeping stumbling into traffic - headlights - horns - rain - very very blurry…eventually make it all the way around the common, down charles street and into the theater district…finally some dude pulls over and we jump in immediately freezing our asses off (the rest is a combination of what the three of us could remember the next day)…so we hop into this guys car and are really really cold and really really hammered… he starts driving - makes sure we will pay him for the ride and we are like totally bro! whatever - we have to get to this party on mass ave and are f*cked UP! he is cool with that…we then look around (I’m in shotgun and wil and honc are in the back) - the car is filled with wrappers of burgers and bags and trash…looks like he has been living in his car and hasn’t cleaned it out in a week or so … he is blaring some tunes for us - “So what’s up man? What is your deal?” … “I just got out of prison” …awkward silence - we’re wasted - don’t know what to say…. “Right on………..so how long were you in for?” … “15 years.” ….. so that is f-ing interesting…

we keep talking for 15 more seconds or so and none of this has really registered because we’re all on auto pilot and then the dude starts to drive fast. then he starts to drive faster and starts blowing through red lights and stop signs…we’re all “whoa man! wooo! you allright Mario!” then he clips a boston globe truck and stomps on the gas. we get freaked out and are just white knucking the seat - still not really registering what is going on….a few seconds later we come to an intersection where there is traffic going through it so he can’t blow through it - slams on the breaks - we all jump out and start to run - wil and I are gone and over a fence - honc blew his knee out playing soccer prior and hobbles away as best he can - dude gets out of the car, chases down honc, choke-hold and says to him “I don’t care about going back to prison but I am going to take a bodybag with me.” … also interesting … Honc yells to us to stop and help - he see the dude has him so we run back “dude dude just relax man we’ll give you whatever you want just take us to an ATM” - dude is all pissed - “I thought we had a deal! I thought you guys were going to pay me!” - “and we’re “yeah man we were going to pay you and are going to pay you but you just hit a truck and starting drtiving crazy and freaked us right out!” … so dude is like “OK we’ll go to an atm” - drives down the road a bit (blue hill ave. in Mattapan, for those massholes out there - for those not - don’t ever ever go there) to the fleet on the corner - Honc and I end up in the atm - I pull my max $200 and hand it over, Honc pulls $80 cause his mom’s check hasn’t cleared or something - dude has no idea what he is talking about with the check clearing and wants 200…starts to get pissed…meanwhile Wil never went into the ATM and is trying to get the Po-Po - not much Po-Po in Mattapan on Saturday night at 3:00 AM - no luck on the cell phone - he lucks out - cop happens to roll by - wil bangs on the windshield - “my buddies are getting robbed in there!” cop slams car up along side ATM in front of door - dude grabs Honcs $80 and starts to run - cop comes around front of cop car and slams dude against brick wall - dude (who is probably late 30s but clearly made use of the weight room in prison) bounces of the wall turns around and cracks the cop in the face - cop slams back against the hood of the car and dude takes off down the road - cop gets up and chases him…………………

so we have just been semi-car jacked, robbed, standing next to cop car with doors open lights on and this stolen car filled with trash in the middle of Mattapan, it is 3:00 AM, we’re absolutely trashed and wearing plaid pants and have afro wigs in our hands…so we do the obvious thing and take off…wandering down the street looking for cabs (obviously no cabs) - find a gas station where we are obviously the strangest thing that has happened that night - big dude pulls up in a little 4 door “What the F are you boys doing! You gonna get killed! Get in the car!”….we’re all “No f-ing way man we just got robbed and got in some dudes car and no way” … he drives off we still look for rides cabs - nothing - a few minutes late same dude pulls up “GET IN THE F-ING CAR!” …. seems like best/only choice - we get in…dude keeps asking us if we have any weapons…uuuuh no - we have stupid pants and wigs dude…dude make us get him $80 at an atm and drops us off right where we got picked up but dude #1…none of us remember walking home but apparently that is what we did……………………

so we kinda figure this all out the next morning and definitely win the “most f-ed up night award” - don’t call the cops - don’t follow up - about 1 month later I get a call from a detective in the Boston PD - I have to meet with him down at the station - turns out that night the dude ran for about a mile and was eventually cornered in an alley and it took 5 cops to hold him down and cuff him - totally jacked on amphetamines - anyways so the car he was in was probably stolen, but it was stolen again when it was sitting outside of the ATM when the cops were chasing him down so they had nothing to hold him in jail for (the beating of cops apparently was not enough) …… so a month later in January they caught him again - dude stole a car and was chased by cops to Charlestown where he pulled out on a pier and dove into the harbor - swam around for 15 minutes - detective informs me that the dude was so jacked up again - normal person would be done in 2-3 minutes in the harbor in January…..so that is f-ed….eventually Honc and I both have to testify in front of a grand jury to indict this dude on kidnapping and armed robbery charges…there is a chick I went to high school with in the grand jury….she was surprised to see me to say the least….

Anyways, the way this story came up was we were talking about confessing how many drinks you had on a wicked good bender night….So after all this is laid on me by the detective, he has shown me mugs shots of this dude, he has shown me ATM photos of us and this dude and us in our plaid pants and afro wigs giving him cash…..The detective asks me
“How many drinks did you have that night?”
“uhhhhhh…it was open bar?…..college buddies? you know?” (hoping he would make his own number)
he wants a hard number
“Uhhhhh…25? 30?”
“25 or 30?”
“Yeah.”
“How many drinks do you think Wil and Honc had?”
“Uhhhh 25? 30?”


So that is it. Unsmart to say the least.

[homerjay]

I'm speechless.

[VTskibum]

That is one hell of a good story!! Where you been hiding that one??

[A-wreck]

boston must be a pretty freindly place.
25-30 drinks would not make me drunk enough to jump into a strangers car for a ride in ANY neighborhood in Detroit.

crazy f-ing story btw

[Cornholio]

Holy shit.

[mushmouth]

great story.
I imagine we've all been one or two bad choices or strokes of luck away from a similar scene.

[girlski0912]

Great story! A night like that could quite possibly stop me from drinking for the rest of my life for fear that I would get wasted again and have something equal fucked up happen...again.

[mayor]

if only mildbill's posts resulted in the actual story like basom's do.

[TheDingleberry]

Great read.

[vinzclortho]

that was BEAUTIFUL!!! BEST TR EVER!!!!!!


Blue Hill ave in Mattapan, Saturday, 3:00 am. I am surprised that you survived that being a bunch of White dudes in plaid pants in afro wigs. More so than drinking 25 or 30 cocktails which is also quite lethal.

Way to represent the Boston Maggotry. I am impressed.

[mr_gyptian]

I had a very similar experience to this during my leaving Chicago tour. Insert Cabrini Green for Mattapan. Luckily one of my fine friends related it to a lady friend while I was getting drinks for everyone.

As I come back to the table she greets me not with "thanks for the drink" but "What the fuck do you have against Pakistani cab drivers?" Meanwhile with the sand bag complete my friend offer's up "So, are we taking a cab back to Wash Park?"

[VTskibum]

Based on the stories of Iceman, Gonzo/Honc collective events, basom/mildbill events, and Armchair Extreme I'm a little freaked out about those from Boston

[fubar]

Originally posted by Cornholio
Holy shit.

I second that.... my god.

[Barnballs]

oh my f'ing god.


I'll be at the Langsford the 24-26th for a wedding.....and I need a date.

[Tippster]

Jesus Fucking Christ. Lesson Learned:

Leave the "stupid pants" at home... Wear the chastity belt instead.

[365wp]

Originally posted by gonzo

and this stolen car filled with trash in the middle of Murderpan

[Buzzworthy]

THAT was one hell of a story, holy cow!!!

[The AD]

I don't quite understand why you went to an ATM and gave the second guy $80, though. I guess you guys were just in a generous mood that night.

[vinzclortho]

Originally posted by The AD
I guess you guys were just in a generous mood that night.

A.K.A. Wicked Hammid, in Mattapan, at night, white, shitting in their pants, time to bail as quickly as possible. there are NO cabs to be gotten at that time round that part of town at night.

[Stu Gotz]

Originally posted by gonzo
slams on the breaks - we all jump out and start to run - wil and I are gone and over a fence - honc blew his knee out playing soccer prior and hobbles away as best he can - dude gets out of the car, chases down honc, choke-hold and says to him “I don’t care about going back to prison but I am going to take a bodybag with me.”

Q: How fast do you have to be to escape from an amped up ex-con?

A: Just a little bit faster than a gimpy Honc.

[powder11]

Originally posted by mildbill.
it was quite the story.

no doubt, that was a good one. an equally funny site was basom, gonzo and myself jockeying for position to browse the new Powder issue. nice to meet the infamous Splat in person. quite a few stories and laughs.

[gonzo]

yuh. i would've paid that dude 2X to get me out of there.

basically, picture the worst neighborhood you can think of.

[bagtagley]

Heh, I'll have to relay this one to a friend who's moving to Boston in a few months.

[CantDog]

Fuck yeah! I guess all those years in Waterville paid off! I only hope I can stomach 30 drinks and not die. You are my hero Gonzo.

[basom]

Originally posted by gonzo
We just starting walking into traffic waving our arms

sounds alarmingly similer to my first meeting you gonz. strange.




well this thread certainly worked out nicely.

[Big E]

Originally posted by CantDog
Fuck yeah! I guess all those years in Waterville paid off! I only hope I can stomach 30 drinks and not die. You are my hero Gonzo.

Good to have role models, I guess.

[gonzo]

Kinda funny timing on this...we're having a somewhat similar party Saturday night in Boston if anyone is interested. PM me and I will forward the details. I actually sent my rendering of the story on to a bunch of my buddies - haven't though of it in a while and neither had they. Good times...sort of. Subject was "What NOT to do Saturday night" :D

Hopefully Honc will chime in sometime here...I swear it is true!

[Tyrone Shoelaces]

heh that's a great story....wtf is up with Bahston mags? My one experience there with acostiga, gonzo, and wizard at a bar ended up with acostiga driving at high speeds down a one way street with no lights on and wizard (yes, that wizard :D ) jumping out of the car rambling on about cops, buses, and something up hits and lines or something (I think he was referring to BC hits and lines, or something, uh, yeah that's it...). Great f-ing night :D

[gonzo]

i still can't belive acostiga made it all the way down charles street going the wrong way. unreal.

[basom]

this shot of the story teller sums up the mood of the tale quite nicely

https://www.tetongravity.com/usergalleries/albums/userpics/10513/gonzo.jpg

and to answer the question about wtf is up with bean town mags: lead paint chips, everyfuckingwhere.

[shamrockpow]

WOW. That story could have ended up a lot worse after "Mattapan 3AM on a saturday night." Congrats on making it out alive!

[Oopsie Daisy]

Wow is right! Downright cinematic. Like a freaky cross between "Pulp Fiction" and "Pee Wee's Big Adventure."

:eek:

[Damn. Wish I could find an image of the scene where Pee Wee hitches a ride with the escaped convict...]

[freshie247]

A fabulous read,pithy,depraved,jounalistically brilliant & utterly bereft of any redeming qualities.

[Zeedashbo]

think if you weren't drunk, you three would (at least i would have) tried to beat the crap out of some inmate all yaaked out on meth. that would have been interesting.

[TJ.Brk]

Damn Gonzo. But that's kind of a beginner drunk story. Get hammered on "Soju" in Soul, then walk outside of the bar during a riot at midnight. And you are chased my about 3000 angry Koreans 2 miles to the main gates of "Camp Kelly". Oh with a 40 of Crown in your hand, not to mention you are so drunk you can hardly stand. Cabbies won't take you because you are an American and a mob is chasing you.

But at next years reunion party for you guys. Remeber to phone the cab company to pick you up.

Oh and one more question. The guy picking you up did 15 years in prison. Which one of you was the wife for him ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)

[mildbill.]

Originally posted by TJ.Brk
spew

that post sucked.

[Steven S. Dallas]

Lotta winky guys, though. Never have too many a' them.

[basom]

winkie guys can make up for the most useless posts.

but cool guys, when overused, render even the most usefull post useless :cool: :cool: :cool: :cool: :cool: :cool: :cool: :cool: :cool:

[Honc]

just gpt an email from uncle remus advising that i watch out for this post. frankly, i'm amazed that this never made it up before either.

here are a few things that were left out due to varying degrees of fuzziness:

1) the carjack guy had never heard of an "ATM" before (prison for 17 years will date a man)--led to an awkward conversation while he held me in a choker in the middle of an intersection threatening my life

2) similarly, when my check from work had not yet cleared, i had to explain to this hostile gentleman the difference between "current balance" and "available balance"

his response of "i don't give a f**k, pay me!" was not what we were looking for.

3) we stopped in a gas station after the first atm incident to get a cab and the attendant only knew 3 english words, "You. Leave. Now."---in that order

4) the gigantic dood who picked us up the second time was on one of those nextel walkie-talkie thingys with his girlfriend. when he tried to explain that he was helping 3 white kids from getting killed she started screaming,

"who you stayin' out with? i KNOW you ain't sleazin around with some HO! put her on the phone!"

without hesitation, gonz and i reached for the handset and easily convinced her that we were, in fact, goofy white kids and not some ho.

wow. that was a messed up night.

[Honc]

oh yeah. after testifying in front of the grand jury, the DA told us that we might have to testify again and that we shouldn't do anything crazy like pack up our stuff and move to colorado.

a few months later we packed up our stuff and moved to colorado.

[watersnowdirt]

Originally posted by gonzo
…dude keeps asking us if we have any weapons…uuuuh no - we have stupid pants and wigs dude…

I truly love this line. It doesn't get any better than that!

[Zeedashbo]

Originally posted by Honc


"who you stayin' out with? i KNOW you ain't sleazin around with some HO! put her on the phone!"



awesome!

[JMO]

I don't know how I missed this first time around. Unreal. And yes, that is probably the worst neighborhood in all of Boston. You're lucky you're all still alive. Damn. Great story, though.

[Mtn Man]

Originally posted by Honc
when he tried to explain that he was helping 3 white kids from getting killed she started screaming,
"who you stayin' out with? i KNOW you ain't sleazin around with some HO! put her on the phone!"
without hesitation, gonz and i reached for the handset and easily convinced her that we were, in fact, goofy white kids and not some ho.


:D :D :D This had me ROLLING at work! I can just picture this and I can't stop laughing. You just can't make this shit up. Great TR Gonz and Honc! My drunken bleary nights pale compared to this gem.

B)

[Aldo]

Honc puts the icing on the cake!
That's a story for the ages...
Instant classic!!!

[iceman]

Originally posted by Aldo
Honc

How do you pronounce that?

[basom]

Originally posted by iceman
How do you pronounce that?

its honk right?
not honce
:D

[iceman]

I think it's honsey.

[iskibc]

Great story gonz. Good times. Put a little adventure into my otherwise boring day at work. I don't think I've ever had an un-intersting night out in Boston when I was in college. Always crazy shit going on and crazy friends doing crazy things.

I always thought it was pronounced: Hon-Cee :D

[basom]

bumping the funny drinking story with the insane situational comedy.

http://tetongravity.com/ubb/icons/icon14.gifhttp://tetongravity.com/ubb/icons/icon14.gif

[acostiga]

gonz, thank you for teaching me how to pee while continuing to walk at a normal pace down the sidewalk. i can fly higher than an eagle, because you are the wind beneath my wings.

[The Suit]

Thanks for the bump. Missed that first time around.

My first month in Boston I got lost and accidentally rode my bike down Blue Hill Avenue through Mattapan. Doubt I'll ever ride that fast again.

[EPSkis]

How the hell did I miss this one?
That is f'n hysterical!! And no - those East LA boys can talk all the smack they want. I'll take East LA over Mattapan any day of the week, Ricky.

So the SECOND guy jacked you for $80?? WTF!?!

edit: Not quite as amusing Mattapan story: Used to deliver furniture all OVER that area - Mattapan, Roxbury, etc. (Anyone remember Boston Scandals?) So we're driving down BH Ave, and some dude's riding a bike down the middle of the road - can't get around him....He hears us behind him (big diesel Mercedes) & he flips us off like 3 times as if to say "F-you, I ain't moving."

No problem - creep up about 20' behind him & I nail the airhorns.

Guy about shits himself. He swerves over to the right at which point it becomes clear why he was riding in the middle of the road....The T tracks.

(Visualize it - it might not sound that funny in type, but believe me - it was priceless.)

Both of the guy's wheels lock in the tracks & the bike stops cold...F'n guy was absolutely EJECTED off the bike...Evel Kneivel had better landings. We were both in shock, and I stopped to make sure the guy was ok.. Guy stands up & the verbal assault ensues. We just went on our merry way. That story still comes up from time to time when I go back home...And yes, we still laugh 'til we cry.

[basom]

needed a laugh. this one still works.

https://www.tetongravity.com/usergalleries/albums/userpics/le%20bump.jpg

[Obstruction]

No shit that was some funny!

You boys were about a block and a half away from the morgue that night.

[gonzo]

i thinky basom has some free time...

[gonzo]

woo hoo! hall of fame, motherfuckers! :D

[basom]

woo hoo! hall of fame, motherfuckers! :D


yeah well, your welcome.

[gonzo]

thaaaaaanks baaaaaasom

[Core Shot]

woo hoo! hall of fame, motherfuckers! :D

Wonder if the committee on character and fitness says "woo hoo" ?


Well, they should! :yourock: :fm:

[ulty_guy]

this was absolutely worthy, especially honc having to explain to some criminal the difference between available and current balance, i nearly busted my gut.

[iceman]

Lots of MIA motherfuckers in this thread. Still gold though.

[mcski]

I got a hangover just pondering the amount of booze consumed. HOF for sure.

[irul&ublo]

Was it basom who had such a thing for Fivehead Ricci?

[MakersTeleMark]

^^^ Yes it was.

[Self Jupiter]

14 years later and Mattapan is still Murdapan

[m8d7b7]

Did u use a mobile-phone-tracker.org (https://mobile-phone-tracker.org/) on Android for monitro somebody? Can u tell me how It is work?

[Vt-Freeheel]

Funny morning bump, thanks for the story.

ps How about some tittie pics Gladys?