View Full Version : A Good Drink Spoiled (NSR)

05-28-2004, 03:08 PM
A large middle aged woman is screaming at me while brandishing what appears to be a pitching wedge. Something seems to have upset her. Excitable, this one. The rest of the crew and myself are a bit worse for the wear, being covered in bruises, and in my case bleeding from one foot. Here's how it happened (cue flashback special effects...)

The crew had decided to go golfing. Why I can't really say. People make strange choices sometimes. For example, people actually watch JAG. As far as I can tell the only redeeming quality to golf is that drinking while doing it is not only accepted, it's positively encouraged. Which is probably telling us something about how godawful dull this activity is while sober. Now, I'm not one of those wishywashy types who needs an excuse to drink, and in fact I tend to think that performing activities that require one to stand while drinking tends to spoil the purity of the act. When you think about it, drunkards have certainly accomplished more in the history of the world than golfers, so I feel that I'm in the right here.

Now I must admit, I had never been golfing before, and so was a bit curious about the whole deal. I decided that there were at least a few good reasons I could think of to go. Namely:

1) Skipping out on work, always a good thing.

2) Drinking during the day is one of the few things I'm actually good at.

3) Someone mentioned something about ballwashers. In retrospect I was perhaps a bit more excited about this concept than was actually warranted.

The outing actually started off pretty well. One of the crew brought a fifth of "Fighting Cock" bourbon. Needless to say, hilarity ensued. For awhile it looked as if we would just sit in the car drinking and giggling every time someone said 'cock'. Amazing the way a bunch of monosyllabic dorks become overachieving Oscar Wilde wannabes when presented with the challenge of using the work 'cock' in unique ways. Nice to see a group of people coming together as a team. Faith Popcorn would have multiple orgasms if she could see the way that we banded together.

After the cocktacular poetry slam in the car, we decided to get down to the serious business of golfing. One of my friends insisted on my using his golfing gear, including the shoes. This would have been OK, but my friend apparently has some clown in his genetic makeup and as such has these wild ass giant feet. This might be a hit with the ladies, but presents some problems when normal people from a non-clown background borrow his shoes. The shoes themselves were pretty cool, with a bunch of metal spikes on the bottom. One could really have fun in these while line dancing for example, but given that they were a couple of sizes too big I was viewing the rest of the day with a certain amount of trepidation.

We all got our stuff together and got out onto the course. It became clear after my drive at the first hole that golf, like nearly everything else, is something that I'm just not any good at. Annoying people, however, is something that I have a real talent for, so I adjusted my mission statement for the day to reflect this. After a few holes just irritating the crew I was starting to get a bit bored. For amusement I decided to leave "Blair Witch Project" style creepy stick figures on each of the greens. These arts and crafts projects started to get more elaborate at each hole, culminating in a 3 foot tall stick figure, with "FEAR THE COCK" spelled out underneath it in twigs. Apparently I have a real Martha Stewart streak in me when if comes to natural art projects, only not quite as evil.

Now I wasn't the only member of the group in the grips of a boredom attack. In particular, one of the crew we'll call the Anthony Monster was at a loose end as well. Happily for him, this particular golf course had an abundance of horse chestnut trees. So while money may not grow on trees, apparently ammunition does. God is great. A couple of warning shots were fired at the seventh hole, and then all hell broke loose.

I have no idea what the proper name is for what we called a horse chestnut. Imagine really hard greenish nut type thingys, about the size of a small lemon. Dense enough to really carry, these suckers were about the greatest type of ammunition possible. Given the sort of drunken miscreants we're talking about here, it should not come as a surprise that a full blown horse chestnut war broke out. It was sort of like at the beginning of a cloudburst where you hear a few raindrops, and then suddenly the clouds just detonate and absolutely dump rain. Only instead of clouds, we had drunken jerks. And instead of rain, we had horse chestnuts.

So, The Horse Chestnut War of 2004 turned out to be a real doozy. It turns out that the people who run golf courses, being an uptight bunch who fail to realize that civilian casualties are inevitable in any war, frown upon this sort of thing. We were at a distinct disadvantage however in that Team Cock was forced to run while the Golf Cops had mechanized troops at their disposal. By mechanized troops I mean a grumpy lady in a golf cart, of course. The ensuing chase would have been a lot funnier to me if I didn't kick a off one of the freakishly oversized clown shoes off while running at top speed and then step on the spikes, however. No major damage was caused, but it was a near thing.

So, to sum up, it turns out that Golf is way more fun that I had imagined.

Lessons Learned:

1) No matter how much you might believe it, you cannot walk on tile in golf shoes that are two sizes too big while drunk.

2) The term 'ballwasher' while factually true, is the most misleading advertising since "The Never-ending Story"

3) While JAG may indeed be a dreamboat, his TV show sucks.

05-28-2004, 03:26 PM
Originally posted by tonghands

My Mang, me thinks you just got yourself a new sig.

05-28-2004, 03:26 PM
:D :D
Ohhhh... two snaps and a twirl!! Excellent! May I share? (fully credited, of course!)

05-28-2004, 03:34 PM
Feel free to pass it along, no credit necessary. This message is too important to not get out.

05-28-2004, 03:36 PM
jeebus. My cousing vomited on the 8th green the other day after almost beheading the only woman( I believe mother) of the foursome playing ahead of us with his approach. C-L-A-S-S. However, after reading this, 8 year olds dude...8 year olds.

05-28-2004, 07:56 PM

I am thoroughly impressed with your drunken wreckless abandon. Your story had me rolling. Good stuff. ah the memories of golfing with my father in law, similar but with older people.

there are too many good quotes in that story to pass up.

05-28-2004, 11:14 PM
Simply Cocktacular.

Buster Highmen
05-28-2004, 11:20 PM
Hysterical, once again!
I hope to somehow scribble down the report of the Slashers Open and Cosmic Bowling Festival at Eastmoreland Golf Course, circa 1976.

scarlet begonias
05-14-2006, 07:49 PM

Laughing my ass off

05-14-2006, 08:08 PM
heh...i just translated your user title:

from alta vista babelfish: L'Emmerdeur -- The Bloody Nuisance

i have no idea if this is correct, but i am having a hard time seeing the real translation ending up funnier

05-17-2006, 01:33 AM
I do not actually speak French ( because, like, why would I? ) but I am told that L'Emmerdeur is used as something like 'shithead' in French but that the actual translation is closer to 'the guy who covers everything in shit'. Which I thought was funny. Beware lest I en-merde you!

05-17-2006, 07:19 AM
ok, shit is funnier than blood. but only marginally.

08-17-2006, 05:28 PM
whenever I'm having a less-than interesting day, or even a bad day...I come to the Hall of Fame to re-read Tonghand's magnum opus, A Good Drink Spoiled.

And now, after wiping the laughter induced tears from my eyes, I am instantly in a better mood.

Thank you, Tonghands, for providing such a valuable piece of literature for the good of the people. Jolly good show.


04-03-2007, 05:55 PM
bump for less than three weeks til golf season...!!! Gawd, 2 drops is only the beginning... how come there isn't a belly-laugh smiley??? :D :D :D

10-13-2008, 11:52 PM
Tropic Thunder is a 2008 action comedy film produced and directed by Ben Stiller and written by Stiller, Justin Theroux, and Etan Cohen. The film stars Stiller, Jack Black and Robert Downey Jr. as a group of prima donna actors making a Vietnam War film when their fed-up writer and director decide to abandon them in the middle of the jungle, forcing them to fight their way out.
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10-28-2008, 08:36 PM

Tropic Thunder was half funny, but not funny enough to post a blurb here.

Definitely enjoyed the thread as a whole.

08-27-2009, 09:31 PM
I don't care who you are, that's phunny.

06-17-2021, 11:53 AM
Reading the Pantsuit Effect bump again got me to looking to see when Tonghands disappeared from TGR land. Looks to be about five years ago but also got me looking at some of his old stories. This one is gold, too. Not pantsuit gold but gold none-the-less. I gotta believe he's busy gathering more experiences to relate to us from the past five years. Man, this shit is funny. Summer bump for golf season.

12-21-2021, 09:05 PM
A good thread bumped by an absolute dog shit spam bot!

Core Shot
12-22-2021, 06:20 AM
Has tonghands and his liver survived?

I miss his writing.

I always thought he was the alter ego or nome de plume of a famous magazine writer. If not. He missed his calling.

12-22-2021, 01:44 PM
A good thread bumped by an absolute dog shit spam bot!

To whom are you referring?

12-22-2021, 04:31 PM
To whom are you referring?Danno's janitorial services must have taken care of it.

12-24-2021, 12:14 PM
Ah, thanks. I was getting a little paranoid. Merry Christmas!