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Just one of the myriad core shots seen on Jenkins' new planks. Photo: Courtesy of Gabe Schroder
Jackson Hole, WY- A distraught local "bro" told TGR Friday that–despite destroying a new set of yet-unreleased 2019 skis on a scree field–he is determined to ride the busted planks all season to capitalize on valuable social media exposure.
Wilson, WY resident Julius Jenkins, 24, told TGR reporters he was searching for the "steep and deep" outside of Jackson Hole Mountain Resort boundaries this morning when he bombed through a barely covered patch of rock fragments, completely ruining his sticks.
Witnesses to the accident reportedly heard the awful sound of skis impacting rocks, followed by shrieks of horror as onlookers and "other bros" rushed to the aid of Jenkins. The victim was found uninjured, but clearly traumatized by five huge core shots, a shattered sidewall, and two blown edges on his new powder skis. Making matters worse, the skis in question were next year's model, which Jenkins got from a "bro who knows the rep."
The issues arose when Jenkins ignored pleas from his friends to stay on his old rock skis until a few more feet of snow blanketed the mountains. Instead, Jenkins could not contain the stoke of owning these yet-to-be released skis, and clicked into the 120mm-underfoot bad boys after a brief storm deposited a paltry three inches of fresh snow at Jackson's summit.
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“Why me?” witnesses reported Jenkins as crying after wrecking his planks on his first run. “I just wanted to float on some freshies, maybe grab a ‘gram or two, now my new skis are destroyed.”
Despite the crushed sidewall, bases that looked like they got blasted by an M-16, and 4 inches of missing edge on each ski, Jenkins’ bros were able to calm him down with a flask of whiskey and pre-rolled joint. They assured him that their bro at the ski shop could fix them, or at least get them repaired enough to serve as rock skis.
“I was really hoping these skis would take my social media status to a new level, seeing as that they are next year’s graphic and all.” Jenkins lamented to TGR. “I'm not sure how I'll ski hardpack without edges, but I'll continue to use these skis to push my Instagramming to the limits, so I can show my followers how core I am.”
*This is a work of satire, obviously
