30 Facts You Need To Know About Chuck Norris (NSR)

[bad_roo]

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

[Core Shot]

Originally Posted by bad_roo

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

This one is priceless. Two drops.

[tijuana bass]

What an appropriately named thread. These indeed are exactly the facts that I need to continue my negotiations with Direct TV to bring the "Walker Texas Ranger Channel" to reality, presenting back to back episodes of Walker Texas Ranger 24/7. The only real sticking point right now is they continue to insist on showing episodes of "Hunter" between 3:00 am and 5:00 am. I believe your in depth research might be the key in making them see the light. Thanks, man

[Mrthemike]

great thread for an early day at work

[Grange]

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

This one had the guy next door come into my office to see what was so funny.

Reminds me of Conan O'brien's Walker Texas Ranger clip lever.

[Sensisnow]

Originally Posted by bad_roo

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

I'd love to see a remake of JFK based on the Warren Commission investigating these new facts.

[Nate Dogg]

I love that list....there is also a list for Vin Diesel & Mr. T
http://www.4q.cc/vin/index.php?topthirty
http://www.4q.cc/t/index.php?topthirty

I have a Speech Communication class that I am taking here at UGA...it is a small class with a sign-in sheet that is passed around. Next to your name there is also a box to write any comment you like to the professor....so I've decided to start writing her Chuck Norris facts . Last class my comment was "The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain."

I like this one too
"There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. Fuck you, team."

[alto]

damn this website.

[alto]

If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.

[Tippster]

My face hurts. My coworkers are annoyed. Life is good.

[GFP]

Originally Posted by bad_roo

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

That's impressive.

[gramps]

Heh, here are the Walker lever clips from Conan. Good stuff.

http://gorillamask.net/conanwalker.shtml

[Arty50]

The email I got yesterday has some more in it.

Originally Posted by Grange

Reminds me of Conan O'brien's Walker Texas Ranger clip lever.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shat on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity," then you are dead wrong.

Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

One time, Bruce Lee met Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris almost didnt kill him instantly. Chuck was so impressed he named one of his testicals after Bruce in honor.

Chuck Norris was the original pioneer of the family punch. One time a 12 year old boy spilled ice cream on Chuck Norris's shoe. Chuck Norris punched the boy so hard his whole family died. The boy learned a valuable lesson that day. Later he became the leader of the Chuck Norris fanclub.

Chuck Norris was also the first martial artist to practice time travel. Several people roundhoused by him were hit so hard they traveled into next week.

Chuck Norris never had to learn to write or speak, because he communicates so well with his feet.

Chuck Norris killed superman.

Chuck Norris both started and ended the vietnam war.

Chuck Norris sweats adrenaline and everclear.

[itsjust123]

Originally Posted by Grange

Reminds me of Conan O'brien's Walker Texas Ranger clip lever.

bwahhahah. There was a girl who dressed up as the lever for Holloween...people asked her if she was a used tampon...

[bagtagley]

One time, Bruce Lee met Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris almost didnt kill him instantly. Chuck was so impressed he named one of his testicals after Bruce in honor.

Chuck Norris may be a badass, but he's no Bruce Lee. Besides, everybody that's anybody has seen Bruce Lee kick Chuck Norris's ass.

[Sensisnow]

Originally Posted by bagtagley

[/I]Chuck Norris may be a badass, but he's no Bruce Lee. Besides, everybody that's anybody has seen Bruce Lee kick Chuck Norris's ass.

I have a feeling we won't be seeing much of bagtagley once chuck gets wind of this blasphemy.

[Arty50]

Originally Posted by SnowRider4Life

I have a feeling we won't be seeing much of bagtagley once chuck gets wind of this blasphemy.

Exactly. You might as well come right out and say you could kick Chuck Norris' ass, because that's what you're gonna have to do to prevent him from killing you know.



I will admit that I might have thought the same thing for a second, but then the mere thought of Chuck caused me to have seizures. So I stopped.

[Clack]

Chuck Norris lives in Chester California where I bow hunt. Last year he took one with a knife. I'm serious.

[irul&ublo]

Originally Posted by Clack

Chuck Norris lives in Chester California where I bow hunt. Last year he took one with a knife. I'm serious.

Took what?

[A-wreck]

Originally Posted by irul&ublo

Took what?

I'd like to know too.

[bagtagley]

I'm just stating facts, Bruce Lee kicked the crap out of Chuck Norris at the end of Way of the Dragon.

Chuck Norris is a badass killer, but he's right and just. He knows what I speak of is true, and as such will spare me.

If Bruce Lee were still alive, you'd be just as scared to talk smack about him.

[Sensisnow]

Originally Posted by Clack

Chuck Norris lives in Chester California where I bow hunt. Last year he took one with a knife. I'm serious.

I'm calling bullshit on that one! Chuck doesn't need a knife, or any other weapon to take anything. If Chuck sees something that he wants, he simply takes it and destroys anything standing in his way.

[A-wreck]

A buddy of mine has the sweetest chuck norris poster.
Actually, it's a Scarab poster starring chuck norris.

It's got some badass Scarab blowing through the water and super-imposed in the backround partially covering the sky/water is a picture of Chuck doing some obviously powerfull and deadly kick move.

The picture reads "Scarab, the choice for people who get a KICK out of life"

[Clack]

Took a buck

[A-wreck]

Originally Posted by Clack

Took a buck

I hope youre kidding.

He didn't run down a buck. No way.

He might have finished it off after shooting it.