For Tippster...Or why no brazilians for me (NSR)

**Nohillsnearby** · 08-22-2005, 06:25 AM

All hair removal methods have tricked us with their
promises of
easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors,
razors, Nair and
now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come
home fix
dinner, played with the kids. I then had the thought
that would
ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:
Maybe I should
pull the wax out of the medicine cabinet.

So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It
was one of
those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax,
you just rub
the strips together in your hand and then they get
warm and you peel
them apart press it to your leg (or wherever else) and
hair comes
right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean I'm no
girly, girl
but I am mechanically inclined enough that I can
figure it out. *YA
THINK!!!*

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips
facing each
other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them
together, I get out
the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax
my rear end
(Oh how this phrase haunts me!) I lay the strip across
my thigh.
Hold the skin around it tight and pull.

OK so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too
bad. I can do
this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-ra, fighter
of all
wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on
the kids I
sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair
fighting
championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same
procedure I apply the wax strip across the right side
of bikini
line, covering the right half of my vagina and
stretching down to
the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip)
I inhale
deeply and brace myself.
RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY
GOD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to
pull off half
of the strip.
S&%T!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP. Everything is
swirly and
spotted. Do I hear crashing drums??? OK, back to
normal. I want
to see my trophy - A wax covered strip with my hairy
pelt, that has
caused me so much pain, sticking to it. I want to
revel in the
glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the
strip!
There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair. WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease
my head down,
foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair..The
hair that
should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.
S&%T I run my
fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which
is now
covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG
mistake...................remember my foot
is still propped up on the toilet. I know I need to do
something.
So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the
slamming of the
cell door.

Vagina? Sealed shut. Butt?? Sealed shut. I penguin
walk around
the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think
to
myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My
head may pop
off"

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest
water I can
stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax
covered bits and the
wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than
that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical
equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse that having your nether
businesses glued
together is having them glued together and then glued
to the bottom
of the tub. In scalding hot water.
Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm
stuck to the
bottom of the tub!! God bless the man that convinced
me I should
have a phone in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend
thinking surely
she's waxed before and has some secret of how to get
me undone.
It's a very good conversation starter "So, my butt and
who-ha are
stuck to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight
pause. She
doesn't have a secret trick but does try to hide the
laughter from
me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located
on
bottom "Are we talking cheeks or hole or what?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I
give her the
rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side
of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!!
I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we
go through
various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off
with a razor.
Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies
covered in hot
wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water
and then dry
shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not
working,
dignity has taken a major hike and I slip into glazed
donut land.
My friend is still talking with me and my hand reaches
towards the
saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the
excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point. I rub
some on and OH
MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids,
scared the dickens
out of my friend, but I really don't care.

"IT WORKS!! It works!! I get a hearty congratulation
from my
friend and she hangs up.I successfully remove the
remainder of the
wax and then notice to my grief and
despair..................................THE HAIR IS
STILL
THERE.......................ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

So I shaved it off. Hell, I'm numb at this point. Next
week I'm
going to try hair color......

**Aldo** · 08-22-2005, 06:38 AM

Tech Talk?

**snowsprite** · 08-22-2005, 07:06 AM

LOL Aldo!

NHNB...Now you know why porn stars have serious drug addictions.

Sprite

**Mrs Roo** · 08-22-2005, 07:57 AM

Originally Posted by Nohillsnearby

Next
week I'm
going to try hair color......

Be careful, I ended up with long black hair with ginger roots the other week. Don't ask how but it took a £70 ($130) trip to the hair dresser to remedy. Painful in another way!

I was tempted to try wax strips but after your tale and my track record with home beauty treatments, i'll stick to a razor.

**hop** · 08-22-2005, 08:11 AM

Wow. That is an amazing TR.

**Flake** · 08-22-2005, 08:33 AM

I can't believe nobody has pointed out that as always a thread is vastly improved with......Pictures!

**Tippster** · 08-22-2005, 08:43 AM

Oh. My. GOD.

That was one of the funniest things I've ever read! I told you wax was NOT the solution......

Laserbeams. Frickin' Laserbeams!

**bagtagley** · 08-22-2005, 08:55 AM

You had me at vagina.

**Aldo** · 08-22-2005, 08:57 AM

Come to think of it, maybe the Padded Room?

**Karl Stall** · 08-22-2005, 08:58 AM

L.A.S.E.R - the only way

**iskibc** · 08-22-2005, 09:02 AM

Great method for birth control. Just wax it shut!

**The AD** · 08-22-2005, 09:05 AM

Sounds like a new excuse not to have sex to me. "Sorry hon, no sex tonight, I accidently waxed it shut."

**fridge** · 08-22-2005, 09:07 AM

This thread will haunt my dreams for a while.

**iskibc** · 08-22-2005, 09:13 AM

Ok, now that I come to think of it, I have a serious question:

Why do women and some men go through all the trouble and pain to remove every hair follicle on their box/schlong? I don't get it. I mean, do you really need to be bald inside your butt cheek? Nobody is gonna see. Seems like shaving your junk is much easier and pain free than ripping it out with scalding wax. Who cares if there's some stubbles around the promised land. Just as long as it ain't a jungle down there, it's all good. Just keep that shit trimmed. No need to put yourself through excruciating pain.

Just my .02 cents.

**DJSapp** · 08-22-2005, 09:28 AM

Originally Posted by iskibc

Ok, now that I come to think of it, I have a serious question:

Why do women and some men go through all the trouble and pain to remove every hair follicle on their box/schlong? I don't get it. I mean, do you really need to be bald inside your butt cheek? Nobody is gonna see. Seems like shaving your junk is much easier and pain free than ripping it out with scalding wax. Who cares if there's some stubbles around the promised land. Just as long as it ain't a jungle down there, it's all good. Just keep that shit trimmed. No need to put yourself through excruciating pain.

Just my .02 cents.

You obviously have never been laid.

**snowsprite** · 08-22-2005, 09:54 AM

Didn't you see Harold and Kumar go to White Castle? It totally makes your junk look bigger, dude.

Sprite

Edit: I think this TR might just make its way around the internet like the restaurant shit or sushi pants story did. Just google "vagina and butt waxed shut" in about 30 days and you'll be astounded at the results.

**edg** · 08-22-2005, 11:32 AM

Originally Posted by snowsprite

Didn't you see Harold and Kumar go to White Castle? It totally makes your junk look bigger, dude.

Sprite

Edit: I think this TR might just make its way around the internet like the restaurant shit or sushi pants story did. Just google "vagina and butt waxed shut" in about 30 days and you'll be astounded at the results.

Wasn't taht the Canadian version, eh?

edg

**LAN** · 08-22-2005, 11:34 AM

That was the most hilarious thing I've read as of late! Nohills, you violated the cardinal rule of being a woman. NO HOME BIKINI WAXES. There's a reason why we pay "experts" to do what they do. By all means, wax the brows, pits, legs, upper lip, but NOT THE BOX!!!!!!!!!!!

Next time I would suggest this:

Also, tread lightly with home color - you don't want to end up looking like Lucille Ball.

**Blurred** · 08-22-2005, 11:40 AM

Originally Posted by iskibc

I mean, do you really need to be bald inside your butt cheek? Nobody is gonna see.

Dingleberry factory.

**iskibc** · 08-22-2005, 11:57 AM

Originally Posted by BlurredElevens

Dingleberry factory.

Ahhh, yes, now there is a means.

**freshie247** · 08-22-2005, 12:11 PM

That was TOO FLIPPIN HILARIOUS No Hills.I'm trying to stop laughing long enough to write this.I'm going to read it again.

Metro-what ? Only gay male strippers/porn guys(I ain't using the other word for sun) used to do this. Now it's a stupid Flippin trend.People are so easily swayed .This is what happens when you put so many dumb ass shows like Queer Eye on TV.

I had a girl last year suggest I do this. I said,

" Sure honey,... I'll put this on my list of things to do, .... it's #2,821,474,652 ,...right behind teaching my assh*le how to chew gum!

L7 · 08-22-2005, 12:41 PM

Originally Posted by LAN

There's a reason why we pay "experts" to do what they do.

Pretty much because they like doing it so you should make their day?!?!

Originally Posted by LAN

Also, tread lightly with home color - you don't want to end up looking like Lucille Ball.

The carpet should always match the drapes!!

This is yet another thread which cries out for photos! I'm glad I had no coffee in my mouth when I read Aldo's initial reply. I would have ruined another laptop.

**yogachik** · 08-22-2005, 12:43 PM

from today's Page Six:

DESPERATE housewife Eva Longoria says she only discovered her sexual self after she got some pruning done in an intimate area. “It was when I was 25 or 26,” the star, 30, told the Mirror in London. “I never waxed or really paid attention to that area. It opened the door to a whole new sexual side of me. Getting in touch with your inner sex goddess would begin with the Brazilian wax.”

**bklyn** · 08-22-2005, 01:01 PM

Funny. I know that hurt!
When I was about 12 years old I tried to wax my leg by myself. Disaster.
So forget about waxing so close to the sensitive spots.

Eva knows jack about sex. If you can't figure it out with hair...