 |
|
10-01-2004, 01:47 PM
|
 |
L'Emmerdeur
|
|
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Hood River
Posts: 503
|
|
|
Altoids in the wrong hole, a TR (NSR)
The bet was this: Grind 10 Altoids into a powder and snort it for $20.
The guy at work who came up with the idea knew from the start that I was the only one stupid enough and insecure in my manhood enough to even consider doing it. Given that I only come into the office once a month or so he knew that it was now or never and so really went to work on me. His carefully considered decision to use the whole 'wuss' genre of taunts was a conception of Machiavellian genius. "You're too much of a wuss to do it". "What's the matter wussy boy?". "Here wussy, wussy, wussy". He must have thought that I'm a total moron. You will undoubtedly not be surprised to find out that he was correct.
So the bet guy announces over the office intercom the afternoon's entertainment. He's really into it. I get the feeling that if he had more time this could have been a real extravaganza, complete with coat check and valet parking. He decides that the best place for this to happen is the conference room, so that everyone gets a good look at the moron and his mints. After a long delay of getting everyone into the conference room and setting up we get ready to start.
I grind the Altoids into a powder with the back of a spoon. When the smell from the squishified Altoids hits me I start to get a bit nervous. Altoids must have been created my some overly enthusiastic mint psychopath any ways. Why the fuck are they that strong? Seriously, the guy who came up with these must have been some sort of mint extremist who, perhaps disturbed by the unholy flavor mixers who desecrate the purity of mint with such degenerate flavors such as chocolate, felt the need to bring a certain purity to the entire mint experience. This lunatic mintmonger is one thing, but why do people buy these things?
OK, the Altoids are now all ready to go. I hum 'Eye of the Tiger' for a bit to get me all revved up for the next few minutes, which are basically guaranteed to be memorable. The guys are by now convinced that this is actually going to happen, and so are a bit excitable. Nervous laughter is surrounding the table and the guys are pressing in close. A quick glance around the table confirms the ethnic variety of my work place. Indians (of the Indian subcontinent variety, not the running from cowboys who want to kill them variety), Chinese, Koreans,Russians, and other diverse representatives of their respective ethnic groups are all shouting, laughing, and in general really looking forward to seeing some idiot feeling some pain.
For a moment I get the feeling that I have been dropped into the movie 'Kickboxer' and that this is all just a prelude to my getting the crap kicked out of me by some overly muscular yet incredibly stupid behemoth, until said behemoth makes some comment about my mother or dead wife or kidnapped baby and I summon the intestinal fortitude to ignore that pain and give him a righteous beating. Upon reflection however, I realize that we're talking about snorting some mints and that furthermore, I am a gigantic dork.
So, what the hell, I grab the straw and let 'er rip.
Pain.
Apparently Altoids have some quasi-mystical properties of dislocation. I distinctly remember getting the sense that my consciousness had separated from my body and was hovering about 8 feet above the floor. I could clearly see myself sitting in the chair, straw still inserted in my nose. Very calmly and quietly I heard myself say "no".
Fuck, I'm back in my body, or what's left of it. Actually, much like Barbara Streisand, although I actually have a complete body the only thing that seems to matter is my nose. This nose is clearly unhappy with the situation and is doing a bang up job of letting me know. The pain is exquisite. It felt as if some wayward sailor had felt the need to test out a flare gun and had chosen my nasal passages as a suitable target.
After about 10 minutes of rocking back and forth in my chair, nose and eyes streaming snot, and several hundred glasses of water and milk, I finally get my shit together enough to rub the crap from my eyes and sort of see again. The crowd is still there although they're hushed. While clearly the festival of pain I've gone through has touched these guys in some primal way, these fuckers seem to be expecting something more. What the fuck are these cockbags waiting for? My death? I'm all for making fun of someone else's pain but waiting for me to die seems a bit over the top.
Oh shit. I had forgotten.
In a terribly misguided attempt to look cool, as if I hung out with the Eagles back in the seventies and knew my way around snorting various powders, I had cut the Altoids into not one line but two. Oh man. I imagine the pioneers on the Oregon Trail must have felt the same way when they got their first sight of the Rockies after already travelling for weeks. "Fuck, we deal with Indians who want to kill us, we haven't had any water for weeks, riding through Iowa and Nebraska was fucking boring because we can't play the license plate game for the good reason that cars haven't been invented yet, and now just when we thought we were almost done, some asshole with a sense of humor decided to drop fucking mountains in our way." I mumble some stuff to the effect of there is no chance that I'll do the second line, only in a more colorful and longwinded way. After about 5 minutes of sitting there and whining I hear two of the Chinese guys exchange something in Mandarin that I do not need a translator to figure out means "fucking wussbag". What the hell, I'll never be able to smell again any ways.
PAIN.
Apparently the first snort merely served to clean out the snot so that the second blast could get to the real work out scouring to the bone. Jesus, this really hurts. What feels like pulpy flesh is running down my throat. I'm surprised to hear my own voice when I ask for some "fucking water". I sound a bit like Henry Kissinger, only two octaves higher and after bingeing on Drano and bourbon cocktails.
It took about three hours for the pain to dull enough so that it wasn't the only thing I thought about. I still feel the after effects today, about 24 hours after the fact. All in all I wouldn't do it again, but it was entertaining. And I can honestly say that for once work was not boring.
|
10-01-2004, 01:52 PM
|
|
have not
|
|
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: the tinfoil aisle
Posts: 1,355
|
|
|
out fucking standing
well fucking done dude
my hat goes off to you fine sir
king of the fucktards!
|
10-01-2004, 01:56 PM
|
 |
Registered User
|
|
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Alaska
Posts: 1,147
|
|
|
Two drops of pee. That took balls (and immense stupidity). That's right up there with slamming your cock in a car door.
__________________
When you're feeling down, just remember: It's always darkest before it goes pitch .... fucking.... black.
|
10-01-2004, 01:58 PM
|
 |
EqualOpportunity Offender
|
|
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Parking Lot of the Best Western
Posts: 1,721
|
|
|
FKNA, you're the MAN! The stupid MAN, but nonetheless the MAN!
Best laugh I've had on here in weeks!
__________________
Have scissors, will travel
|
10-01-2004, 02:01 PM
|
 |
Registered User
|
|
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: Babylon
Posts: 8,931
|
|
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Owens Never Sleeps
That's right up there with slamming your cock in a car door.
|
TR perhaps?
& for that much pain & that many people you shoulda got more money.
at least you will never think of doing meth now.
|
10-01-2004, 02:01 PM
|
|
Permanent JONG
|
|
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: CT
Posts: 1,289
|
|
|
Another classic from tonghands!
|
10-01-2004, 02:04 PM
|
 |
Registered User
|
|
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: The Bridge
Posts: 346
|
|
|
Now that's entertainment !!!
All that for $20 ... freaking crazyness.
I'm still laughing though.
__________________
Smoke'em If You Got'em
|
10-01-2004, 02:05 PM
|
 |
Transplanted Maine-iac
|
|
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Tenmile Range vistas
Posts: 2,412
|
|
I would have paid $20 bucks just to witness that.
ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
__________________
'09/'10: 69
|
10-01-2004, 02:06 PM
|
 |
Vagitarian
|
|
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Kootenays
Posts: 2,190
|
|
|
Dude, you better be careful. With brains like that you could be a Darwin contender.
__________________
You are what you eat.
---------------------------------------------------
There's no such thing as bad snow, just shitty skiers.
|
10-01-2004, 02:06 PM
|
 |
Registered User
|
|
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Detroit
Posts: 2,165
|
|
|
I'm still fucking laughing ...............
seriously, still going.........
o.k. how do I spell the way I am laughing right now....because I don't think these words I've written ,so far, accurately portray my current state of hysterics............
|
10-01-2004, 02:08 PM
|
|
Registered User
|
|
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Detroit
Posts: 2,165
|
|
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by mildbill.
well fucking done dude
my hat goes off to you fine sir
king of the fucktards!
|
and then I have to read this.................
fucking amazing
|
10-01-2004, 02:10 PM
|
|
We'll blast them at sea
|
|
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Emulating the ocean's sound
Posts: 7,047
|
|
|
that was really good.
i hope you spent the twenty on mints
|
10-01-2004, 02:14 PM
|
 |
Registered User
|
|
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: gone
Posts: 1,367
|
|
|
Eye of the Tiger....you must go to Mary's a lot. Or maybe that's where you should spend your $20 and then request that song. Nice work.
|
10-01-2004, 02:18 PM
|
|
Registered User
|
|
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: Babylon
Posts: 8,931
|
|
|
|
10-01-2004, 02:20 PM
|
 |
Registered User
|
|
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: spitting distance from Mavericks
Posts: 2,740
|
|
That made all other nonsense on this board today worth it  . Fabulous stuff!
Can't wait for next week's installment!
__________________
“Within this furnace of fear, my passion for life burns fiercely. I have consumed all evil. I have overcome my doubt. I am the fire.”
|
10-01-2004, 02:38 PM
|
 |
Registered User
|
|
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Central Valley
Posts: 2,795
|
|
|
Wow. The writing was purely brilliant. The act incredibly moronic. Well done. I'm still laughing.
|
10-01-2004, 02:39 PM
|
 |
Old Schoolah
|
|
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Deeennnvvver
Posts: 113
|
|
Can't stop laughing. Top notch writing.
__________________
Put on your seat belt, I saw this in a cartoon once.
|
10-01-2004, 02:52 PM
|
 |
Troll
|
|
Join Date: May 2002
Location: SF
Posts: 3,723
|
|
|
genius. pure genius.
there is nothing better than workplace stupidity...reminds me of my clown buddy who organized a workplace steak and cheese eating contest between an ex-marine and a skinny asian kid...lots of wagers...lots of dry heaving...
|
10-01-2004, 02:58 PM
|
 |
government drone
|
|
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Behind the Red-Head
Posts: 1,076
|
|
|
[larrykingvoice]Brilliant,Brilliant[/]
__________________
I have mastered all major sporting activities to a high degree of mediocrity.
|
10-01-2004, 03:02 PM
|
 |
Saucy Maid
|
|
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Outside the cube
Posts: 6,610
|
|
Oh dear, I forgot to bring a change of underwear today! And what Mildbill said!
So Tong-nut dude--will you be doing a repeat at the summit, hmmmm? I dare you!!!
Sprite
__________________
"I call it reveling in natures finest element. Water in its pristine form. Straight from the heavens. We bathe in it, rejoicing in the fullest." --BZ
|
10-01-2004, 03:05 PM
|
|
L'Emmerdeur
|
|
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Hood River
Posts: 503
|
|
|
The word 'no' comes to mind. Rapidly.
|
10-01-2004, 03:38 PM
|
|
Registered User
|
|
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: spitting distance from Mavericks
Posts: 2,740
|
|
Heh - I'd personally be willing to kick in $20 for that act to be repeated at the summit. If everyone else kicked in $20, you could fund the whole trip. Takers?
__________________
“Within this furnace of fear, my passion for life burns fiercely. I have consumed all evil. I have overcome my doubt. I am the fire.”
|
10-01-2004, 03:40 PM
|
 |
<-- Those Are KQ's Legs
|
|
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Slut Lake City
Posts: 7,956
|
|
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by tonghands
The word 'no' comes to mind. Rapidly.
|
BRAAAAAWWWWWK!
|
10-01-2004, 04:01 PM
|
|
Of the Bu-Tang Clan
|
|
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Bellevue WA
Posts: 1,311
|
|
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by tonghands
The word 'no' comes to mind. Rapidly.
|
fucking wussbag.
Last edited by joshbu; 10-01-2004 at 04:05 PM.
Reason: crap! snaked by pHunk...
|
10-01-2004, 04:07 PM
|
 |
Sassy
|
|
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: slc
Posts: 3,548
|
|
|
this whole mint/menthol/altoids idea for other purposes makes for a good time.
i knew this thread was good for something.
oh, and the TR didn't suck, nice work you crazy dude.
__________________
you sketchy character, you
|
|
|
| Thread Tools |
|
|
| Display Modes |
Rate This Thread |
 Linear Mode
|
|
Posting Rules
|
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
HTML code is Off
|
|
|
|
All times are GMT -6. The time now is 01:14 AM. |
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.2
Copyright ©2000 - 2010, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
|
Copyright TGR 2010
|
|
|
|
