About to turn 50 and am too tired to continue

[Buzzworthy]

How is this possibly helpful?

From 988

“I can imagine having thoughts like that on your mind everyday can be difficult. Would you feel comfortable sharing with me when, how and where would you plan to attempt suicide?”

[Buzzworthy]

Let’s see.

Um sooner the better.
My wife locked the gun up so some other means.still trying to figure that part out.
Anywhere my family does not find me.

Since I answered there’s been no reply.

[gaijin]

It gets it just a little bit out of your system.

It might sound strange— but that’s the same reason I don’t talk about my goals. If I talk about them I find I’m less likely to follow through. If I don’t talk about them, in order to get any satisfaction, I have to accomplish something.

I felt talking to her was worthless, until it helped. Hang in there.


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[gaijin]

The details of your answer also help her understand where you’re at on the ideation spectrum.


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[gaijin]

Be patient. Maybe she’s even in a room chatting with others to find the most appropriate reply.

My helpline in Tokyo is just volunteers answering their phone at home. Seemed super unprofessional but after talking I realized how professional she was.


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[Buzzworthy]

That was an utter fucking waste of time. She sent me a message while I was typing that said this:

Hey, I've seen that you've been idle for 7 minutes. I'm still here to support you. Unfortunately, I will have to disconnect once it's been 12 minutes.

I was typing up an answer. Fuck it, I’m done with this horseshit.

[John_B]

Hey Buzz, I'm just another internet dumbass hoping you stick around here for many more years. I know things seem fucked right now but tomorrow will be a better day that today. Even when I've moved and picked a new general practitioner it takes me 2 or 3 to find one that I trust and believe. Keep shopping for a pro that can do a bit better than those folks on 988.

[gaijin]

Regardless, good job reaching out. That’s a positive move.


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[Buzzworthy]

Now I’m just mad and still want to die.
How the fuck is that helping??

Nothing ever goes well. Nothing. I’m over this shitty world.

[gaijin]

I have a bunch of crazy stories, but I’d be keen to hear some of yours.

But I know it’s getting late there and you’d probably rather sleep than chat to a stranger half a world away.


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[bennymac]

Sucks that the doctor you saw was useless. That has to be beyond frustrating when you take the right steps and have the courage to pour out what’s going on and then not get the help you were looking for.

Gonna bring up Ketamine again. I mean through a clinic - not off the street.

Like anything it’s not a guaranteed solution in everyone. But for those it works for it does wonders - and is long lasting. It can literally be life saving and life changing.

https://healthcare.utah.edu/hmhi/tre...amine-infusion

[ötzi]

^^ that's probably the best idea in this thread. Go for it Buzz, it sure as hell won't hurt anything and it might help.

[Buzzworthy]

Reading up on it. Might as well. Last ditch effort. I just don’t have any more fight in me.

[AK47bp]

Probably a good buzz too

[Buzzworthy]

I’m so broken I haven’t even wanted a beer lately. Haven’t smoked a thing today. I literally don’t have any desire, for anything. Even food.

[gaijin]

When you wake up this morning, try to clean your room. Clean anything. Just for a few minutes. Take out the garbage.

[bennymac]

^that is “anhedonia”

https://www.priorygroup.com/blog/meaning-of-anhedonia




See below - I’m pulling quotes out of one study on ketamine and anhedonia. I’ll link the full study and another one as well. The studies have been encouraging but this is still a relatively new type of treatment. And like anything it doesn’t work for everyone - but anhedonia is a debilitating symptom that isn’t well treated by your classic “antidepressants” - which could account for a lot of the unsatisfactory responses people have on those pills (ie these pills are better at addressing other symptoms of depression but not anhedonia)

“Anhedonia, the reduction of the ability to experience pleasure, is one of the core symptoms of depression, and approved treatments do not address it sufficiently. The presence of anhedonia strongly correlates with suicidality [thoughts of suicide], and this effect is independent of the severity of depressive symptoms.

-Symptoms of anhedonia turned out to be a robust predictor of a poor outcome of antidepressant treatment. This was true irrespective of which antidepressant was used and did not depend on the level of baseline depression.

-A primary finding in this study is a statistically significant decrease in the level of anhedonia during ketamine treatment.”

https://www.frontiersin.org/journals...21.704330/full

Also

A translational perspective on the anti-anhedonic effect of ketamine and its neural underpinnings

https://www.nature.com/articles/s41380-021-01183-1

There’s lot more then just those 2 papers if you google “anhedonia ketamine”.

I don’t want to have tunnel vision here - nor do I want to lead you and your family down a path where I’ve convinced you that ketamine is the guaranteed answer to all your problems. But if you talk to someone in this area of research I bet, if they hear your story, they’ll say you’re the type of person they want to see if they can help.

(I don’t own stock or profit in any way off ketamine treatments to be clear)

[Buzzworthy]

I’ve never thought of myself as ill until I read into Anhedonia. I thought I was just depressed all the time. But this makes a lot of sense to me. It used to be a lot more mild. Obviously it’s not that anymore.

Of all the things that I’ve done in my life that I’ve previously enjoyed, I don’t find pleasure in any of them anymore. Soccer, volleyball, skiing, snowboarding, riding my bike (I loved this more than anything), woodworking, reading books, paddle boarding, swimming, hiking, taking the dogs for walks….none of the things I did for myself are joyous anymore. At all.

The only hobby I’m looking forward to is gardening. But I don’t really eat what I grow. My wife loves the veggies I grow so I do it for her. I do nothing for me anymore that brings me joy. Or should I say I don’t find joy in any of the things I should be doing for myself, that I’ve always enjoyed.

I’m a lot more scared now. I’m coming to terms with the fact now that I’m not remotely in charge of what’s going on and that I'm actually extremely close to losing my life.
But that right there is me with a little bit of care for myself and that hasn’t happened for many months.

God dammit the fucking tears are back again

[gaijin]

Yeah. This is what it feels like. "The not understanding why there's no joy in anything anymore."

It's real. And it happens to a lot of us.

But know that we come out the other side eventually. We learn to identify it and then we learn to find happiness again. We often find happiness in other things.

Life changes. We go from skiers to cooks. I had no idea I loved cooking so much until I nearly killed myself.

Just know we're here. And keep talking to us, because we want to talk, too. We're still on the same journey that you're entering. When we invite you to chat, it does't mean we're ahead of you... it just means we're on the same path and we're also seeking a moment by the fire.

How rad would it be for all of us to be by a fire right now?

[Buzzworthy]

Ever look into the mirror and see your naked soul?

I just did by reading this article. I really want to find a good doctor now. And khole myself while electrocuting my brain sounds about right. Jesus I’m fucked up.

https://www.osmosis.org/answers/anhedonia

[bennymac]

Yeah I hear you.

We aren’t in 100% control of what goes on inside our bodies. And we’re super complicated (not telling you anything you don’t already know here).

And we all have dysfunction in our bodies. For some is the cartilage in their knees, for some it’s the lining of their digestive system, for some it’s the circuitry and chemicals in the brain. All of those and many more are only partly under our “control”.

It’s clear you have great deal of insight into your mental health and what you are struggling with - that’s a huge benefit that not everyone in your situation has. I’m not saying this to be all like “others have it worse” - what I mean is your insight is an big advantage you have and it will serve you well once you (and those you elicit to help) get yourself on a treatment path that is working.

That’s the hard part though - the fucking frustrating trial and error part of finding what will get you on that path.

But that’s the goal - a path that ends with you feeling like yourself and enjoying the things “buzzworthy” enjoys like playing soccer and riding your bike and walking the dogs.

It’s 100% possible to get there. You don’t know me - so I’d just say listen to and try to trust the mags that you do know that have had similar struggles. It may be extremely hard to imagine right now - but getting back to yourself is a very realistic and very obtainable goal. How you feel tonight is not how you’re going to feel for the rest of your life.

Edit: just read your post above - I want to be clear that ketamine and ECT and treatments such as these are not some weird, super fringe, only in the worst of the worst cases are these options pulled out…every major center in North America is gonna have treatments like this available - because people often struggle like you are and because these treatments often work.

[Buzzworthy]

The insight. I understand it’s a plus in theory but it seems much more of a curse. To know you’re super fucked up but you can’t do anything about it….It can feel more like insanity than anything.

Decades of experience. I’d trade it in a heartbeat.

I don’t know you but I’ve read you for years. And you just may have saved my life today.

Thank you will never be enough to any of you. Your posts, pms, thoughts, calls, texts, in person visits….this place is unreal. You guys are unreal.
I hope I can get through tomorrow now. I’m shutting my eyes. I’m exhausted.

[Core Shot]

Fuckkkk

Brain chemistry is complicated

I’ve tried Sri twice over the years. Can’t deal with them. So i am what I am.

The pills often push people over the edge. Getting off them is worse than taking them.

There’s a hudge difference between not wanting to live and wanting to kill yourself. I’ve not yet been in the latter category.
Even if you want to end it you have to realize how selfish it is. It rips a hole in anyone you know. Particularly kids. Which you have.

As far as I know there’s no magic bullet. Other than the ones in a gun. But that’s not the answer.

PS. Have you tried shoving things up your ass?

[gaijin]

I think the 90's fucked us. I've been high ever since.

I graduated HS in '94. In those four years I ate acid a few dozen times, saw other kids eat acid at school... and teachers not blink an eye. My friend's brother snorted enough coke to hang himself in his closet. My other friend's brother lost his head in a motorcycle accident while high.

We used to smoke weed a few times a week, after school, on the ski bus, often on our way to school. We were 16... and developing our brains while high.

We were always high. And every weekend we were drunk. And then skiing became real after high school and we lived in ski towns and skied big shit... while high.

I climbed Roundtop in a flannel shirt and leather gloves from the hardware store after eating a bunch of acid. This was normal when I was 19-22. I used to ski on shrooms because it was Saturday. Weed was not only daily, but breakfast.

Why is Gen X so depressed? Because we were high for the entire time our brains were finishing development. From ages 15-25. Or, 35.

True story. We smoked weed that needed to be cut from stems and seeds, and we had sheets of acid floating around our schools, literally in class.

We. Were. Always. High.

This fucked with our brain development... and now we're depressed.

[Buzzworthy]

I miss having joy. And I wish I could turn my brain off. I’d really like to sleep. But yeah, I’ve forgotten what joy is.

3:53 in the morning.