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  1. #1
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    Oct 2015
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    Any adoptive parents out there?

    So last week my wife and I decided to become guardians and eventually adopt my sister in law's 2 week old baby, which she lost custody of basically as soon as he was born (sisters a meth head). After 4 months of me steadfastly stating that whatever happened with the baby, us taking him was not an option, I finally had a change of heart after it became obvious, he was headed to foster care if we didn't take him. The last few weeks have been a bit of a mind fuck for me to be honest. I slowly went from no way in hell, to maybe watch him for a while if there is no other option, to if we are doing it, we are doing it 100% and we are adopting him.

    It will be kind of crazy starting from scratch again especially without the typical 9 months of planning (and I am a planner). We have a 5 year old boy, but sadly since we never expected to have any more kids, we saved nothing so have 10 days to get ready.

    Anyone ever adopt, that may have some advice as far as when to tell him or any other advice? In the last couple days I have got my head in the right place and as far as I am concerned he's my son and I will love him and raise him just like my other kids. But I am still kinda freakin out a bit.

    PS: I was paranoid as hell about the side effects of all the drugs, but it seems the consensus is that if the child is raised in a good home, there are very few long term side effects. And so far so good, he was 4 lbs. 4 oz., when he was born and is now up to 5 lbs 12 oz two weeks later. Now you can get back to your regularly scheduled Trump and Clinton programming.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
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    I have no experience with adoption, but congratulations.
    It doesn't matter if you're a king or a little street sweeper...
    ...sooner or later you'll dance with the reaper
    -Death

    Quote Originally Posted by St. Jerry View Post
    The other morning I was awoken to "Daddy, my fart fell on the floor"
    Kaz is my co-pilot

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
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    5,707
    Some adoptions are open (birth parent involved); others are closed (no contact). Have you discussed how you would like this one to be? Seems likely open, but you will need to set boundaries for SIL, etc

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
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    Denver, CO
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    My older sister is adopted. My parents didn't think they could conceive, until surprise!!! I came along. It has been a struggle due to some hereditary mental issues. But that could happen anyway. Having two kids of my own now I kind of understand it better. You roll the dice, you get what you get, some things you can change, some you can't. But you love the shit out of them anyways. Congrats.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
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    General Sherman's Favorite City
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    Wow. That is truly amazing and loving of you and your family - warmed my heart reading your post. Congratulations.

    Wish I could help with your questions, I'm not a family dentist. Maybe, if you're comfortable, post up where you live and a dentist from your jurisdiction could help with a good referral if we don't have one here already that could help point you in the right direction.
    I still call it The Jake.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
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    The Queen City North Carolina
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    Quote Originally Posted by alias_rice View Post
    So last week my wife and I decided to become guardians and eventually adopt my sister in law's 2 week old baby, which she lost custody of basically as soon as he was born (sisters a meth head). After 4 months of me steadfastly stating that whatever happened with the baby, us taking him was not an option, I finally had a change of heart after it became obvious, he was headed to foster care if we didn't take him. The last few weeks have been a bit of a mind fuck for me to be honest. I slowly went from no way in hell, to maybe watch him for a while if there is no other option, to if we are doing it, we are doing it 100% and we are adopting him.

    It will be kind of crazy starting from scratch again especially without the typical 9 months of planning (and I am a planner). We have a 5 year old boy, but sadly since we never expected to have any more kids, we saved nothing so have 10 days to get ready.

    Anyone ever adopt, that may have some advice as far as when to tell him or any other advice? In the last couple days I have got my head in the right place and as far as I am concerned he's my son and I will love him and raise him just like my other kids. But I am still kinda freakin out a bit.

    PS: I was paranoid as hell about the side effects of all the drugs, but it seems the consensus is that if the child is raised in a good home, there are very few long term side effects. And so far so good, he was 4 lbs. 4 oz., when he was born and is now up to 5 lbs 12 oz two weeks later. Now you can get back to your regularly scheduled Trump and Clinton programming.
    Havent dont it myself, but had a friend do it in a near identical fashion. Had a niece that was a tweaker got preganant lost her daughter. He and his wife had two older kids however noone else was stepping up. Once it became apparent the child was headed for "the system" he and his wife stepped up with foster and then adoption. Kid is older now and bio mom died shortly after from overdose. Technically, the parents are great aunts and uncle but they are the parents in every sense of the word. Good on you for stepping up and congratulation for making a difference

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
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    Seattle
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    You gave this baby a chance and that's a great thing. I just hope your sister-in-law doesn't try to intrude down the line unless she manages to clean herself up. Good luck!

  8. #8
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    Mar 2008
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    northern BC
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    I shuttled a group of rafters from Idaho who had adopted a couple of black kids I assume at birth, fast forward 13 yrs and these kids were 6"3 they were towering over mom and dad and all the small white teen kids in the group and doing a multi day on a really beautiful river

    Do it if you want to I think you really got to want to
    Lee Lau - xxx-er is the laziest Asian canuck I know

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
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    957
    Congrats and good on you!!! Even if it is/gets weird - it is better than the alternative!!! Best of luck!!!

  10. #10
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    May 2004
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    Im adopted and have a biological daughter and 12 yr old son adopted from korea.

    For me, I find that the biggest challenges arise from the fact that the lack of a genetic sameness for my son means that we are predisposed to think and act differently. It sounds obvious, but my daughter will react to situations in a way that makes sense to me, while my son may not.

    It really forces me to be extra careful to intellectually consider his positions, rather than reacting emotionally.
    In with the 9.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Oct 2015
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    2,845
    Thanks all. Always nice to know lots of dentists have your back!

    Some good points in here. I think at the end of the day being honest with kids works out best. The question is when? I guess I have a few years to figure it out. As far as keeping sister in law away, the 2,000 miles from KY to SLC will help that, and the sad reality is that's she probably will be dead in the next 5 years.

    When she and her bf were signing away all parental rights they actually told the judge that as long as they didn't have to pay support they didn't care what happened. Pretty surreal.

    The 5 year old asked me last night if his new brother was going to ski with us this year and he offered to do the teaching.

  12. #12
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    Mar 2006
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    ^^^
    Wow, that's gut-wrenching and impossible to comprehend as a parent. Drug addiction is a horrible thing.

    Quote Originally Posted by alias_rice View Post



    The 5 year old asked me last night if his new brother was going to ski with us this year and he offered to do the teaching.
    But this had to absolutely warm your heart and reaffirm your decision.
    I still call it The Jake.

  13. #13
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    Oct 2015
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    Quote Originally Posted by BmillsSkier View Post
    ^^^


    But this had to absolutely warm your heart and reaffirm your decision.
    Totally. Kids have a way about keeping me sane.

    As crazy as they make me at times.

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
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    First off, good onya, that is an amazing thing to do, good luck and congratulations.

    Join an adoptive parent group or two, you are not the first to go through this. There are lots of support groups, so take advantage off it. Second, protect yourself legally. Don't leave anything open to chance or interpretation. What the meth head says today go very well change tomorrow when she thinks she can put the squeeze on you for money. I hate to say it, but lawyer up now.

    Beyond that I will just say enjoy the new member of your family without all the hassle of pregnancy and hormones. I don't miss those mood swings.

    I agree it is a constitutional right for Americans to be assholes...its just too bad that so many take the opportunity...
    iscariot

  15. #15
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    EWA
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    Not an adoptive parent but an adoptee as was my brother (my parents had one natural child - my oldest brother). I cannot remember a time when I did not know that I was adopted. My parents talked openly and loving about how we came into their lives as newborns. No big whoop to me ever. Just a fact of my life like anything else.
    When you see something that is not right, not just, not fair, you have a moral obligation to say something. To do something." Rep. John Lewis


    Kindness is a bridge between all people

    Dunkin’ Donuts Worker Dances With Customer Who Has Autism

  16. #16
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    Cool. To your question, I think once he gets in a career, or settled, early/mid 20s, I think thats the time to tell stuff like that. just my $.02.
    "Can't you see..."

  17. #17
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    Jan 2014
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    I have no parental experience to offer advice.

    As someone who works in human services, closely with some programs designed to help keep kids out of the foster system -- you and yours are fucking heroes. At times I'm sure you'll feel like it's too much and you're fucking it up. My job is to study the long term differences in foster kids vs those who are adopted vs those who are adopted by extended families. Statistically it is clear which situation leads to happier, healthier kids. You're doing a great thing. May Ullr bless you.

  18. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by MARSHALL TUCKER View Post
    Cool. To your question, I think once he gets in a career, or settled, early/mid 20s, I think thats the time to tell stuff like that. just my $.02.
    Wow - that seems like it would be a total mind blowing experience to realize everything you thought you knew about yourself and your family wasn't what you thought.

    I had a friend who found out his Dad had been married with children prior to his mother and brothers when he was in grad school - woman showed up on his door step announcing she was his sister. It was not a happy family reunion.
    When you see something that is not right, not just, not fair, you have a moral obligation to say something. To do something." Rep. John Lewis


    Kindness is a bridge between all people

    Dunkin’ Donuts Worker Dances With Customer Who Has Autism

  19. #19
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    May 2004
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    Quote Originally Posted by KQ View Post
    Not an adoptive parent but an adoptee as was my brother (my parents had one natural child - my oldest brother). I cannot remember a time when I did not know that I was adopted. My parents talked openly and loving about how we came into their lives as newborns. No big whoop to me ever. Just a fact of my life like anything else.
    Me too. The funny thing was that as a little kid I just figured most kids were adopted like me.
    In with the 9.

  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by KQ View Post
    Wow - that seems like it would be a total mind blowing experience to realize everything you thought you knew about yourself and your family wasn't what you thought.
    Yeah, I feel like that's way too late. An adult has a right to know this kind of thing. I'm not sure when the right time is, but it's certainly before someone is in their mid-20s.

  21. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by MARSHALL TUCKER View Post
    Cool. To your question, I think once he gets in a career, or settled, early/mid 20s, I think thats the time to tell stuff like that. just my $.02.
    So two people have mentioned they'd been adopted... one wishes he'd been told sooner and the other is glad she can't remember a time when she didn't know she was.

    Woooosh.

    Edit: now make that others are glad
    Quote Originally Posted by Downbound Train View Post
    And there will come a day when our ancestors look back...........

  22. #22
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    good luck A-Rice
    it doesn't sound easy, but you sound ready for the challenges
    the world needs more good people like you

  23. #23
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    Oct 2003
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    Way to step up, you just earned a lifetime of good karma. I have an infant car seat and a crib (disassembled though) you are more than welcome to borrow short or long-term if you'd like. We probably have some other miscellaneous baby stuff stashed away too.

  24. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by The AD View Post
    Yeah, I feel like that's way too late. An adult has a right to know this kind of thing. I'm not sure when the right time is, but it's certainly before someone is in their mid-20s.
    Yeah mid 20s is way too late.

    My sister was adopted as an infant. Hard to explain but she was always like a biological sibling to me. What binds a family together is the slogging thru the bad times and enjoying the good times as a unit.

    As a child matures emotionally you will see signs that they are ready for this conversation. Might be age 8, or 12, or ??

    Don't sweat the timing issue now -- serves no purpose. The most important thing about that conversation will be the 'you know we will always love you as much as all our children' part. If that's in place, the rest takes care of itself.

  25. #25
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
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    Quote Originally Posted by alias_rice View Post
    So last week my wife and I decided to become guardians and eventually adopt my sister in law's 2 week old baby, which she lost custody of basically as soon as he was born (sisters a meth head). After 4 months of me steadfastly stating that whatever happened with the baby, us taking him was not an option, I finally had a change of heart after it became obvious, he was headed to foster care if we didn't take him. The last few weeks have been a bit of a mind fuck for me to be honest. I slowly went from no way in hell, to maybe watch him for a while if there is no other option, to if we are doing it, we are doing it 100% and we are adopting him.

    It will be kind of crazy starting from scratch again especially without the typical 9 months of planning (and I am a planner). We have a 5 year old boy, but sadly since we never expected to have any more kids, we saved nothing so have 10 days to get ready.

    Anyone ever adopt, that may have some advice as far as when to tell him or any other advice? In the last couple days I have got my head in the right place and as far as I am concerned he's my son and I will love him and raise him just like my other kids. But I am still kinda freakin out a bit.

    PS: I was paranoid as hell about the side effects of all the drugs, but it seems the consensus is that if the child is raised in a good home, there are very few long term side effects. And so far so good, he was 4 lbs. 4 oz., when he was born and is now up to 5 lbs 12 oz two weeks later. Now you can get back to your regularly scheduled Trump and Clinton programming.
    a.rice ...

    You have received some inspiring information (above) --

    I have two cousins who were adopted -- one did not survive to be a teenager, the other is an excellent man ( now in his 40s ) ...

    I felt compelled to add my appreciation for what you are doing for your new son --
    'The system' today (probably always has . . .) leads to a range of experiences...
    that your son will be raised by relatives gives Reason for Hope...

    also, it is clear to me from the comments above(,) that for him to always know that he is adopted, and that it be No-big-deal is clearly the healthiest Information for a child to have --
    Details about his birth parents can be provided in response to questions teenagers have --
    questions about origin can be simply matter-of-fact.

    good luck. and Thank you for giving your new son your home ! ! tj

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