WWMD. My younger brother.

[CookieMonster]

He has multiple DUIs. Parents bailed him out to the tune of 25k for credit cards. Was charged with rape in 2012 but plead to a lesser charge.

During the trial process he stole 15k from my Mom, including 6k that he got by figuring out how to empty her medical savings card. Oh, and he stole that money after my parents laid out 40k for legal and trial expenses, and while living rent free on an allowance in one of their homes here in WA. Mom wouldn't press charges, and I didn't push it because she didn't need any more stress.

Got another DUI two months ago as a result of doing 88 in a 60 with blood alcohol twice the legal limit. Arrested again this morning for driving after suspension. Total costs to my parents for this whole ordeal: 120k.

Will someone please tell me what to do? I hate to use the term sociopath, or career criminal, but something's gotta give. I am thinking of talking to the prosecutor on his current aggravated DUI because I think he needs to be locked up. However, neither of my parents would probably talk to me ever again if they found out.

Am I wrong to feel this way? What would maggot do?

Sent from my Paranoid Android using TGR forums.

[Caucasian Asian]

Holy shit, this is a tough one. He needs help, and your parents are enabling him.

I'm glad I'm not the one making this decision.

[char]

I am hoping that the prosecutor doesn't need any convincing to throw the book at your brother.

You need to convince your parents that your brother needs to do a stint in jail, or court ordered rehab (can't leave).

Or, they need to be prepared to continue having their son continue to be a drunk, steal money and get in trouble.

[Mofro261]

Why are you trying to harsh my buzz bro? Can't we at least talk about it over happy hour?

[Kinnikinnick]

He's an addict of some sort or another - alcohol and/or other things likely.

They are enabling him.

They must cut him off or get him in rehab.

[Tippster]

Tell your folks to stop bailing his ass out. They're not helping him, obviously. Seems he needs to cool it in the pokey for a bit to get a grip on reality. Let the jail rehab his ass.

[bushman]

I cut my oldest son off after paying his rent, buying his food and everything else. He stole money from me twice and other family members many times. He was taught values and right from wrong but thievery and drugs were more important to him. I warned him about stealing after the first time, second time I cut him off. I haven't seen him since. Its been 4 years. If he ever gets his shit together he will prolly show up. Unless he is dead, which is where he was heading. VIBES

[iceman]

...I cut him off. I haven't seen him since. Its been 4 years….

This is what OP's parents are afraid of and it's understandable but they need to deal with it somehow and stop enabling him because he's not gonna get any better as long as he keeps getting off the hook. If they cut him off they may never see him again and he may die, but this way he's surely going to die.

[CookieMonster]

I fear that it's much worse than a drinking problem. He was on court-ordered alcohol monitoring for almost two years and he still stole and caused mayhem. For the record, neither of my parents drink much.

Sent from my Paranoid Android using TGR forums.

[DickMerkin]

Bro, it's their money, and their decision. I know it hurts, and is frustrating, but it's not your call.

Sounds like he will be out of the picture shortly anyway, either inside or underground. Just be patient.

[digitaldeath]

You've come to the right place. Just like the gun debate, there is no answer.

If he's having fun, he's having fun. Jail ain't fun.

[digitaldeath]

Bro, it's their money, and their decision. I know it hurts, and is frustrating, but it's not your call.

Sounds like he will be out of the picture shortly anyway, either inside or underground. Just be patient.

Fak u brofag

[systemoverblow'd]

I was your brother. But I wasn't stealing from anyone and my parents didn't bail me out after the second time. And my parents also didn't let me mooch off them. They did enable me when I was living with them when I was younger, but they just couldn't see why the "good boy" was getting into so much trouble. It was their fault (they thought) and tried to turn me around. In turn, I acted out more. Then I left and never went back.

It took me a while to straighten my life out, and for me, I had to hit rock bottom. My bottom and your bottom may not be the same as others. Understand that. Some peoples bottom is a bottle of pills in their mouth. Others is their first arrest. IF your bro straightens out, it will be once he has hit his bottom. The great rub is, no one knows where the bottom is until they hit it.

This is a very complex problem and I don't think a single person here can give you the absolute correct way to handle it. Does he love your parents? What turned me around was the shame I felt for constantly disappointing them. They showed it by anger and distance. Maybe your family should show some real anger about it, and maybe he would start feeling ashamed of what a POS he is? Long shot, but distancing for a little while is probably the easiest thing to try. And frankly, if he is in jail, the distance will be easy and loneliness may set in.

That was rambling and probably makes no sense, much like the solution to your situation.

[hutash]

It is your parents money, and if they want to spend it foolishly, it is their choice. You roll is to be the supportive, yet frank son, and talk to them about what is really going on.

It is a hard conversation to have, but you have to be honest to yourself and voice an opinion, then let your parents do what they feel is right, even if you don't agree. Don't be judgmental, but just lay the truth out in front of them so they have to face reality. If they choose to ignore that reality, there is little you can do.

As for you little Bro, do the same thing. Tell him he is a fuck up and needs to straighten out. You will be there to support him, but will not in any way enable him (which is what your 'rents should do as well.)

[Buster Highmen]

Been there. Seen a life ruined by his own will.

I have nothing to add other than :
0) Be truthful and as loving as you can be.
1) Honor your limits.
2) Do not be manipulated.
3) Do not feel guilty.

[RedWolf]

I have a younger brother who sounds very similar, only his substance of choice was always opiates before alcohol... but usually both. He has taken my parents for untold sums of money, stolen from them, etc. His best friend and partner in crime did the same to his family, and they turned his ass in. He just got out of the slammer after a year stint. It took me several years to talk my parents into doing anything about my brother, and they finally stood firm this fall after a solid ten years of it. Cut him off, demanded treatment, and all that, but they caved after about a month when he kept protesting. Brother seems to be doing well now, but time will tell. Either way, vibes man... this shit ain't easy.

[I've seen black diamonds!]

It is your parents money, and if they want to spend it foolishly, it is their choice. You roll is to be the supportive, yet frank son, and talk to them about what is really going on.

It is a hard conversation to have, but you have to be honest to yourself and voice an opinion, then let your parents do what they feel is right, even if you don't agree. Don't be judgmental, but just lay the truth out in front of them so they have to face reality. If they choose to ignore that reality, there is little you can do.

As for you little Bro, do the same thing. Tell him he is a fuck up and needs to straighten out. You will be there to support him, but will not in any way enable him (which is what your 'rents should do as well.)

Well said.

[Hugh Conway]

Is he a good skier? Need to know that before give advice.

[KQ]

As others have said - it's your parents money and what they want to do it. Evidently they think money can fix things and for some reason it seems they think they are somehow to blame for his behavior. Both they and your brother have their "rock bottom" to hit. Hopefully it will happen before he kills someone.

I had a friend who was an alcoholic. He is also a surgeon - has to take beta blockers to keep his hands steady during surgery. Lovely. His father was both the cause of his drinking and his enabler (text book narcissist). He believed drinking was a "man's thing". Once I was harping on my usual about pot v. alcohol and how alcohol is much worse and the dad told me a story about his friend who drank himself to death. He finished by telling me "I'll tell you one thing - he wasn't a pot head, he was a MAN to the end". This was in front of his son.

I wrote his parents a letter outlining his drinking and begging them to help him. It opened their eyes a bit but they would not send him to rehab for fears of ruining his medical career. Idiots. I know he still practices in the greater Seattle area - not sure if he still drinks. Hopefully not.

[that dude who did that thing]

Your parents might need your help almost as much as yoru brother. I've gone through similar (though not nearly as bad) with one of my bros and my parents. The last time he ended up in jail I got more involved than I had in the past, that was, apparently what my folks were waiting for, and they were then willing to let me take the lead and do what I told. I think they were pretty relieved that someone else was willing to tell them what to do, since they were at wit's end.

Not saying your experience will be similar, just sugesting that the story is often not as simple as you think it is. In fact, it's never simple, at all. But if I were you I'd be TALKING to my parents about bro's problems and how they are not helping him, they are enabling him. Maybe they get it, maybe they don't.

There's a limit to what a lawyer is going to be able to do, BTW. THey aren't miracle workers, no matter how much you spend. Your bro still needs one, one who charges a flat rate of $5k, will do a competent job, and avoid the system being unduly harsh to bro. Encouarge your folks to let him face the consequences of his actions, and if they want to hire him a lawyer, hire a decent but affordable one.

[liv2ski]

I didn't read all the replies, but I know a great spot off the 395 if you want to bury your families problems. Vibes CM, I would beat the shit out of him if that was my bro.

[SkiBall]

Tough love time. Bailing him out at this point is a no-go. Time for him to live out the consequences of his actions or he will continue to keep making bad decisions because they are lessening the pain by enabling him. Could he potentially die? Honestly, yes that is a possibility. But his chance of turning things around are greatly improved by speeding up him finding his bottom. Until the pain of continuing his bad behavior is worse than the pain of doing something different, chances are he will continue.
That said, I am not a parent but I have seen this played out many times along my recovery with other drunks and addicts as well as myself.

[stuckathuntermtn]

Holy shit, this is a tough one. He needs help, and your parents are enabling him.

I'm glad I'm not the one making this decision.

That's pretty much it.

[BigDaddy]

I've seen several friends siblings string things out for years, go through tens of thousands, and then finally die.

Take tough action now, you have little to lose. Good luck.

[HansJob]

I know it goes against what everyone else has recommended but I would beat my brother's ass if he did this to my parents. Time in jail only turns you into an animal, a skinhead, a bigger junkie, or a cocksucker (literal). A beatdown is in order.