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06-09-2012, 04:49 PM #1
Dirtbags in the desert, 5/4-5/7 2012
Pnut and I went down to Moab and Fuita for a quick hit of some desert classics this spring.
After crippling myself trying to ski on my gimp knee all winter, I started riding in early April with the goal of going to Maob in May. Progress was made, but I was still kind of an invalid which made navigating the Moab gnar interesting.
We got a decent camp site with a little shade and walked up a trail to an arch to loosen up after the long drive from Bozeman.
Next day dawned clear and calm:
The plan was to rally the enchialada from Hazard.
Wow, I just wasn't prepared for how pedally and technical that trail was. It's so unrelenting and punishing on a gimp. I survived, but not without taking my licks. A bee flew in my full face and stung my ear, causing me to reflexively wack my helmet and screw up my thumb. The shit show gathered momentum as I body slammed off a five foot drop in front of like 10 people. No doubt they thought I was down for the count as my skinny ass pounded the ground sideways from 8 feet in the air. I was so embarrased I just got back up and kept riding. After a while though, I had to seek shelter in the shade to clean and patch up my wounds.
About 2/3 down pnut blew his derailler up after airing into the chunder. We fucked up the chain trying to make it a single speed so lucky pnut got to do the whole porc rim section chainless. He still beat me down as by then I was pretty much delerious. Good times. After all that I got to ride back to town into a 30 mile and hour headwind. All I know is I became the lizard king, and that is how I made it back to the car.
Back to the pretty pictures. Hey look, there's me before I was a bloody pulp:
Sorry, can't resist these:
Mandatory phallic symbol:
A chainless pnut pumps for dear life:
Don't leave me here dude, I'm dying:
I thought pnut understood that if I'm standing there with the camera it means he's supposed to ride the sick line, pussy.
I got a flat here, it was hot and windy and I was ready to meet God but He determined that I had not suffered sufficiently yet.
So after all that and riding back on the road, I curled up in the fetal position back at camp and let the sand fleas have a feast."The skis just popped me up out of the snow and I went screaming down the hill on a high better than any heroin junkie." She Ra
06-09-2012, 04:51 PM #2
For the next day, we waited patiently as the good guys at Rim Cyclery put a whole new drivetrain on pnuts bike. We then started up the poison spider mesa aka jeep trail from hell at the crack of noon.
Of course pnut climbed like a rainforest monkey as I steadily descended into heat stroke. By the top he was riding up 35 degree slickrock faces and I was just stumbling around with my bike drooling, looking for a place to dig a nest in the shade.
Lucky for me there was some shade for the way down. I would gladly suffer a horrible death complete with vultures plucking out my eyeballs while still alive rather than ride back down poison spider, so off we went down the beautiful portage trail.
You people who ride the cruxes of that thing are crazy:
I tried to get one of pnut a little closer to the edge, but as we've seen he's a pussy. He kept mumbling something vaguely intelligable about his wife and unborn child.
After the cliff section, Pnut rallied all the lower half while I pussy footed around trying my best not to further aggrivate any of my festering wounds from the day before. Mind bending, he called it. I was thinking bone crushing could have easily been a better description.
I really liked some parts though, this was my favorite:
Woo hoo! It's almost over thank God!
So after that Pnut wanted to ride Amasa Back, but for me it was straight back to camp and the fetal position in the grass with the sand fleas again.
Last edited by tone capone; 06-09-2012 at 10:01 PM."The skis just popped me up out of the snow and I went screaming down the hill on a high better than any heroin junkie." She Ra
06-09-2012, 04:53 PM #3
After a few comatose hours, we went on up towards Canyonlands for a few road sodas:
The next day I begged pnut to have mercy on my broken, battered, malnourished body. Moab was going to kill me in short order so off to Fruita we went.
Some nice views of Castle Valley on the way over:
We got to Fruita and met up with Lee and Sharon for a quick lap on Mack Ridge. Pnut tried to trick me into doing Moore Fun but I think Lee and Sharon could see that I was a walking corpse and that I deserved a break from the constant 4 foot drops.
We had a quick fun lap with those guys and then went out towards Horsetheif bench.
The Lizard King bestowed on me his powers:
And down further into the desert we ventured:
Pnut bailed trying to ride the drop in for Horsetheif, and I had to patch him up with our remaining first aid supplies. He almost gave up on me as he was bleeding profusely from a disgusting gash from his shin, but I kept him rallyin and we completed the ride but with no pictures as his ego was now in tatters. We got back up to the rim and met some BLM trail workers. We were complaining of the heat as they informed us it was 72 degrees with a nice breeze. I guess life in the Northern Rockies can make a brotha soft to this sort of environment.
On the way out:
So then it was off to 18 road to camp and ride for the evening and the next morning. Those trails were way nice I thought and I was really glad I got to ride the classics there before we left. We did Joes Ridge to Kessel Run that evening and I was stoked:
I love riding at sunset:
and in the a.m. we hit zippity:
Of course I then ran out of pictures for the really fun parts, man I thought that trail was awesome.
After that we rode some bullshit newfangled flow trail that I hated. I thought the area had such great natural berms and features, why build some stupid no flow berms and jumps in shit desert powdery soil? I guess I'm getting creaky, oh well.
So the desert tried it's best to break me, but in the end I came out harder and stronger. It was great to get back to my friendly, tacky, flowy trails at home and be able to climb and descend like never before. It made me grateful for what I have in my backyard and I will never again complain when it gets hot and dry here. Cheers and hopefully see yall on a trail somewhere."The skis just popped me up out of the snow and I went screaming down the hill on a high better than any heroin junkie." She Ra
06-09-2012, 06:02 PM #4
Tone, well done on your road trip. Best TR I've seen in a while. I was in Moab in 95 and it looks as good as ever. Heal up soon.
06-09-2012, 06:17 PM #5
Complaining about the heat on a 72 degree day...... that sounds like me. Did the full face helmet not exacerbate the problem? Although, from the sounds of it, you needed it. Great TR.
06-09-2012, 06:19 PM #6
Would drop what I was doing in a heart beat for that little trip. Fun!
06-09-2012, 09:40 PM #7
Dromond, that day I had a regular helmet. Used the full face for the enchialada and it sucked but it saved me. The only reason I walked away with just scrapes and bruises was because I hit so perfectly sideways. Came up to a drop too slow and thought it was smaller than it was. As soon as my front wheel dropped off I pole vaulted over the bars and came directly down full force on my side. I spread out the impact across my shin, thigh, hip, elbow, shoulder, neck, and head! My neck was pretty sore and I know my head bounced pretty hard. Those full faces are good for dissappating some energy from a crash! I am mostly healed up now and have been riding every chance I get since so all is good.
06-09-2012, 10:32 PM #8
06-10-2012, 08:48 AM #9
Great TR! Funny stuff tone. I haven't been in years and you made me miss Moab."A man on foot, on horseback or on a bicycle will see more, feel more, enjoy more in one mile than the motorized tourists can in a hundred miles."
— Edward Abbey (Desert Solitaire)
06-10-2012, 09:35 AM #10
Awesome TR, great pics. Now I need to go biking
06-10-2012, 10:14 AM #11
Pics were great but that was one of the only trs i have ever really enjoyed reading, hit a little close to home as im gimped out myself now, but highly entertaining.__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ ________________
"We don't need predator control, we need whiner control. Anyone who complains that "the gummint oughta do sumpin" about the wolves and coyotes should be darted, caged, and released in a more suitable habitat for them, like the middle of Manhattan." - Spats
"I'm constantly doing things I can't do. Thats how I get to do them." - Pablo Picasso
06-10-2012, 12:40 PM #12
Thanks for the great TR. I was there a few months ago and it makes me want to go back now!
06-10-2012, 09:38 PM #13
NIce Photos and a good read for some laughs! KUDOS!
06-11-2012, 02:45 PM #14demented
- Join Date
- Oct 2010
- Hypertonic 'snatch
Sweet trip report.sounds like yall had an epic.
Hit mag seven next time. U will dig it for sure.
Sent from my PC36100 using TGR ForumsNo matter where you go, there you are. - BB
06-11-2012, 07:13 PM #15
06-11-2012, 09:38 PM #16
lots of great pics. looks like a fair bit of mileage. good work
06-11-2012, 11:56 PM #17
Those are great pictures. Lots of classic views.
Tales of getting worked are always good.Bike Shop Bully
06-12-2012, 11:39 AM #18
Ha, i really hope this "so off we went down the beautiful portage trail" is an intentional modification to the true name of Portal. My girlfriend would definitely agree.
06-12-2012, 11:45 AM #19
I have my own Moab trip coming up and, thanks to your ride report, it looks like a bigger first aid kit is in order.
06-12-2012, 12:59 PM #20
Best TR in a while. Looks like a sweet trip. Huzzah."If you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough."
06-12-2012, 01:04 PM #21
Yeah, bring some big gauze bandages and lots of medical tape. A pack of antibacterial wipes in your pack is essential. If you don't use it, you could probly sell it on the trail for a 500% mark up. There is nothing soft, round, or friendly, like trees, to crash into there.
I also wanted to thank Lee and Sharon for meeting up and riding with us. Lee, thank again for the water fill up so I could keep going and ride Horsetheif that day. I was really stoked to fit all that in to the third day.
06-12-2012, 05:37 PM #22Registered User
- Join Date
- Feb 2005
- North Vancouver/Whistler
06-16-2012, 07:17 PM #23
Funny stuff right there. Nice write up man
06-16-2012, 07:44 PM #24
Love it. I can't wait until the fall so I can go back out to Froota and Moab.