Need advice for finding pot in your stepson's pocket, WWMD?

[wooley12]

Are you kidding me? Your not his real Mom, what do you care? Is he 8 years old? Dont be a snitch, give him his shit back. Do you have any idea how hard it is to score weed in Montana? You belong in the Hall of Lame.

Sorry but that's bullshit. It's us (adults with responsibility and fully developed frontal lobes) against them, for their own good.

[TomCrac]

Not trying to be a dick.... For starters...you are not his mom. He already has one and a dad to boot. You have an opportunity to make a big difference in this persons life and to be a good friend/ally. He will take advice differently from you vs. "Mom & Dad" who "know nothing". I have listened to this radio talk show host (a very good psychologist), Dr. Joy Browne, for a long time and she has fielded questions like this for years. I've been listening long enough (yeah, I find other peoples problems interesting and wonder how I would deal) to have heard people call back months or a year+ later and either tell her that her advice was either spot on and it worked great, or, people call back and say..."yeah...you were right...I should have listened.." Not preachy at all, just real down to earth. She has five straight forward rules for teens...Graduate HS., No jail record, Don't get anyone or be pregnant, No alcohol or drug abuse, don't wrap yourself around a telephone pole ... well ... it always sounds better from her (she goes in to a little more detail on each point) ... I think she is almost as educational (and comedic) as this forum... You can get her number to call in at her website, Dr. Joy.com ... She rocks....Good luck to you.

[grubbers]

From the main page the thread title reads as, "Need advice for finding pot..." I was hoping for a far more entertaining thread.

Are you kidding me? Your not his real Mom, what do you care? Is he 8 years old? Dont be a snitch, give him his shit back. Do you have any idea how hard it is to score weed in Montana? You belong in the Hall of Lame.

Finding pot in Montana is difficult? News to me, unless things have drastically changed since I lived there 2 years ago.

[Wolfmansbro]

Don't think of it as a punishment. There is a chance he will only try harder to get away with it and rebel. Instead use it as a learning tool and a chance to bond with him. 14 is an age where kids want to be treated as an adult. So just talk with him, ask questions and just listen to what his opinion of smoking is. Don't spew a bunch of bullshit that I'm sure he heard from teachers and "authority figures". Its better to tell him that its still a dangerous decision to make.

This applies more to drinking than smoking, but works for both. If he smokes tell him he cannot drive. But he is safe at your house. My parents were very strict about keeping it out of the house. But they always allowed myself and my friends to chill in the basement without being hassled. This kept us off the roads and out of trouble (for the most part).

[MakersTeleMark]

Get high, then make him do your laundry for a year.

[BCMtnHound]

Don't think of it as a punishment. There is a chance he will only try harder to get away with it and rebel. Instead use it as a learning tool and a chance to bond with him. 14 is an age where kids want to be treated as an adult. So just talk with him, ask questions and just listen to what his opinion of smoking is. Don't spew a bunch of bullshit that I'm sure he heard from teachers and "authority figures". Its better to tell him that its still a dangerous decision to make.

This applies more to drinking than smoking, but works for both. If he smokes tell him he cannot drive. But he is safe at your house. My parents were very strict about keeping it out of the house. But they always allowed myself and my friends to chill in the basement without being hassled. This kept us off the roads and out of trouble (for the most part).

+1
Have the talk, don't condone or encourage, but also don't go unreasonable on first offense. Lay out the risks, and consequences, of actions associated with his behavior. Be honest about how you feel about it and that your feelings have weight in your house - no matter what he should at least have respect for you. If you must lay down a law or rule, it should apply to everyone, with the penalty for non-compliance clearly stated and enforced (by everyone with power of authority in your house).

The rest is up to him. Good luck!

[fishbenk]

Not a parent disclaimer. I would work the "I am disappointed that you are hiding things from me, I thought we had a better relationship than this" angle. Then tell him what you said in the original post, keep it open and honest. Then tell him a bunch of positive things that you are proud of him for. Then bring it full circle with the whole it will work out better for everyone if we are just open and honest vs running around hiding things.

Knowledge=power

Lastly, keep the little fucker really busy for awhile so he has no time or energy for taking tokes.

[TheDon]

Make him smoke it all that instant.... Then when he gets to the bottom you'll find a happy birthday card to you!

[BmillsSkier]

- Do you want to be his parent for friend more?

- How would you treat him if you found an empty liquor bottle in his room?

- Do you care about his development? Physically or mentally?

- Are you more worried about your past use or his current use?

- What kind of student/person is he?

- Ask him what his life goals are and how he expects to achieve them. (how do you plan on graduating H.S.?; how do you plan to get into college?; do you want to go to college?; etc.)

- Ask him what kind of life he wants to have, does he want to have fun now or in college/later in life?

- Ask him how he views others that are stoned all the time.

- Ask him how he perceives those who don't get high.

- Ask him what's important to him at this point in his life

- Ask yourself, what is important for you that he achieve/be at this point in his life

- Ask him how much he is smoking

- Ask yourself how much of your past mistakes you're willing to share with him and how they've affected your life as it is now

- How important is being "cool" to you? To him?

- Ask yourself what your gut reaction was the minute you found it

- What was his first reaction when you approached him about finding it?

- Ask yourself what the consequences would have been had another parent found it

- Ask yourself what the consequences would have been had a cop found it

- Ask yourself how you see your relationship with him from this point on

- Now ask him how he sees your relationship moving on after this incident

- No one here can tell you how to raise your child (14 is a child in my opinion, as is the law's). You want advice? Ask alot of questions; of him and yourself. You'll find the answers you're looking for and move on in a way that's right to you. Good luck.

[tank3467]

Not trying to be a dick.... For starters...you are not his mom. He already has one and a dad to boot. You have an opportunity to make a big difference in this persons life and to be a good friend/ally. He will take advice differently from you vs. "Mom & Dad" who "know nothing". I have listened to this radio talk show host (a very good psychologist), Dr. Joy Browne, for a long time and she has fielded questions like this for years. I've been listening long enough (yeah, I find other peoples problems interesting and wonder how I would deal) to have heard people call back months or a year+ later and either tell her that her advice was either spot on and it worked great, or, people call back and say..."yeah...you were right...I should have listened.." Not preachy at all, just real down to earth. She has five straight forward rules for teens...Graduate HS., No jail record, Don't get anyone or be pregnant, No alcohol or drug abuse, don't wrap yourself around a telephone pole ... well ... it always sounds better from her (she goes in to a little more detail on each point) ... I think she is almost as educational (and comedic) as this forum... You can get her number to call in at her website, Dr. Joy.com ... She rocks....Good luck to you.

Fuckin drjoy.com....i have....another website....for ....you...isuckdick.com.... .... .... ....great....advice............................... ........... ........ ...... .

[Chainsaw_Willie]

Don't think I can ad much to what's already been said except don't be a fucking hypocrite, kids can see right through that, and everyone I know smoked a lot of weed as teenagers. Out of my large circle of friends two ended up alcoholics, the rest have their shit together with me being probably the flakiest of all of them, and I smoked less weed than some, more than others. Most of us started smoking at about that age.

In short, it's like anything else. If it becomes an obsession it's probably not healthy, but it's weed. It's not some great evil drug that will warp your mind and ruin your life and make you run over pedestrians in your 1936 Buick convertible.

My mom found a bag of weed in my pocket, told me she found it and told me I'd better keep my shit together or she was going to tell my dad. Somehow I managed to graduate high school and get accepted at the UW and my dad never found out.

[TomCrac]

Good one tank.

[OSECS]

We just went thru this scenario with our 18 year old college bound son last spring, and its different if they're 14 or they're 18. At 14 he's a grounded little mother fucker and on my watch list for a long time. To important a time in a kids pre college life for that distraction. At 18 he's going away and will see it all the time. You just hope you've raised them to be responsible with their "stupidity".

I couldn't get all high and mighty (based on some of my "decisions" as a kid) but the advice I passed on was there are paths you may choose in life that can be short circuited by a drug conviction on your record. They can start with College admissions and scholarships being taken away or not offered to folks when they find out about drinking or drug issues (seen it literally first hand with 2 of my daughters friends for freshman year drinking incidents).

At 18 You need to be thinking about what you want out of life and think about the choices you make that can help or hurt those dreams.

This whole she's just the step mom bullshit... I have a step mom, and I'd be in just as much shit if shed have caught me smokin weed than if it was my mom. Adults have responsibilities to be parents not your fucking friend. I got plenty of friends, but only two kids.

She can definitely be cool about it and not freak out. But calling the kid out is necessary to keep their head straight about the ramifications.

[iceman]

Vote Ron Paul...

QUICK!!!!

Got to give props where they are due...that's funneh.

Give the kid his weed back and tell him if it had been vodka you would've kicked his ass.

[liv2ski]

Be an adult and make the kid uncomfortable with one of the 'talks'...

14 is way to young to condone it and they probably won't take you serious unless you feel slightly hypocritical...

I agree. Many of us may think we had reasons to smoke pot at that age, but I was the first to admit to my children what a negative impact that activity had in my life. I told them just because I made that mistake, I would rather kill them and make another one before letting them go down the same road I did with drugs as a minor. I also did not get high during those years of their lives and offered to take a drug test any time I tested them.
It was a hell of a fight over the years, but an important one to have IMO. Now both my girls are in their 20's, doing well in life and they do not smoke even a little weed. Not that I would really care now that they are fully functional adults.
Good luck. I wish you the very best in a difficult situation that you will have to deal with for years.

[doughboyshredder]

Just wanted to add that the whole "you're not her mom" thing is bullshit.

My Step-dad is my dad. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

[liv2ski]

Just wanted to add that the whole "you're not her mom" thing is bullshit.

My Step-dad is my dad. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

Yep and also to add my PITA oldest daughter came to me at about 23 and thanked me for always being her "dad" while so many of her fucked up friends parents were busy trying to be their kids "friend". She told me what a difference it made in her decisions and life to know exactly how dad felt about things. She didn't always like my input, but over the years it made a big difference in her decisions and how she turned out.

[MotherFucker]

This one is easy. . .

If he's a good kid, who gives a shit? When he starts slipping, then you bring it up and yank him back in line (he'd prefer by the cock, I'm sure).

Also, on the whole "step-mom" front, everyone knows if you're under the age of ten and get a step-parent, they're the shit and you look up to them like you would a biological parent. Arrived in the picture after ten? You aren't the parent; you're just along for the ride. In fact, if he isn't calling you Mom, he doesn't see you as a parent, just his Dad's wife and someone to help out around the house.

He might come around when he's older, but for now, that's probably what it is.

OTOH, you have a valuable chance to teach him about the values of hypocrisy.

[iceman]

I agree. Many of us may think we had reasons to smoke pot at that age, but I was the first to admit to my children what a negative impact that activity had in my life. I told them just because I made that mistake, I would rather kill them and make another one before letting them go down the same road I did with drugs as a minor. I also did not get high during those years of their lives and offered to take a drug test any time I tested them.
It was a hell of a fight over the years, but an important one to have IMO. Now both my girls are in their 20's, doing well in life and they do not smoke even a little weed. Not that I would really care now that they are fully functional adults.
Good luck. I wish you the very best in a difficult situation that you will have to deal with for years.

Jesus, no wonder you're so fucking cranky all the time.

[sidewall]

Like someone else said, if he has his shit together otherwise, I don't think it's a big deal. Now this thread should morph into the first time you got caught with weed as a teenager.

[Cruiser]

It's not like this is the first time you're had some inkling that he was smoking right? What did you do on other occasions when you suspected it?

Lots of angst at 14, right? Maybe the pot isn't such a bad thing for him. But you've got to make sure he isn't stupid and cavalier about it because it can literally ruin his life if he were to get caught with it in the wrong circumstances. Have a nice talk with him about the choices he's making and the impacts that they can have on his life. Let him know that if they catch him with it at school then he'll go to jail.

Beyond that you should make sure he's adjusting well to being a teenager. If he's self medicating then you may want to try to find out why. There may be healthier ways for him to deal with some of the stresses of being a teenager and it's up to you to introduce him to them.

[jgb@etree]

Jesus, no wonder you're so fucking cranky all the time.

^^ right? Talk about a wet blanket.

Damn that evil weed!!

[jgb@etree]

Also, on the whole "step-mom" front, everyone knows if you're under the age of ten and get a step-parent, they're the shit and you look up to them like you would a biological parent. Arrived in the picture after ten? You aren't the parent; you're just along for the ride. In fact, if he isn't calling you Mom, he doesn't see you as a parent, just his Dad's wife and someone to help out around the house

Really? Not quite my experience and my parents divorced before I was 2, and were both remarried when I was ~7. I've never called my step mother "mom" or my step father "dad". Definitely never thought of either of them as my parents - they're just a person who happens to be married to my mom/dad.

[TNKen]

Fighting this with a 17 yo daughter. She is totally irresponsbible but in her eyes, has never caused any problems for herself in her entire life. Found the wrong crowd at high school, moved her to a private school, which has helped a little. Very little actually. A few weeks ago, she wrecked her car. A few days later, came home driving one of our other cars totally stoned. She now has no driving privileges, no car, no cell phone. Embarassing to have you dad drive you to school and your sister pick you up.

At this point, when she can pass a drug screen, we will talk about giving the car and phone back.

My vote is take shit away with the clean screen option.

[systemoverblow'd]

disclaimer *I have NO PROBLEM with marijuana use and indulge myself.*

I now at 33 wish my parents thumped my skull when they found out I was using drugs, drinking, smoking cigarettes and doing all kinds of shit at 15. While I could be much worse off I think I wouldn't have some of the issues I do now had they put the hammer down or even discussed it with me. I got a slap on the wrist. They just let me pass on all the shit I did and due to that I didn't think twice of doing it.

I'm not saying punishing him crazy. But at least, at the bare minimum discuss this with him. That's one thing I never got and think it is one of the major reasons I have the crutches I have today. Good luck.

/non-parent