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  1. #1
    Join Date
    May 2002
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    Bouldenver, Colorado
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    Meet the Maggots

    By popular demand, the Welcome Wagon once more.


    To all of you that have just found the TGR Forums:

    Welcome to one of the zaniest, craziest, coolest places on the entire net, and the ultimate haven for hard-chargin', story-writin', zappa recitin', flame-throwin', 24-7-365 thinkin' (about skiin' and boardin', anyway), gear-debatin', pow-ridin' people in the world!

    Before you get started here you may want to read the following thoughts by some of the regulars around here. I have no idea what they'll say, and threads around here sometimes degrade pretty quickly, but nevertheless, reading this will quite likely help you ease your way into what may become your second worst addiction, if you're anything like us. Just remember, at least you get to keep your teeth. A few nuggets of "wisdom" before the Referee calls a penalty or the Angry Whelk spews on you from above:

    1. Very little is done in moderation here...
    ...including moderation itself. This place - although hosted and maintained by Teton Gravity Research and the constant contributions of the TGR webmonkeys - has little active moderation. Owens Never Sleeps, the webguy, Frozen, or most likely the The Suit or Advres will throw down when absolutely needed (do not trifle with them, for they are killers), but the rest of time, we're on our own. As a result, we've become (for the most part) a wholly self-regulating entity. If you put up something nasty, or worse, something truly heinious and criminal, we're going to track you down in the real world. It's happened before, and it'll happen again. The combined sleuthing prowess of this place is actually a little scary. This also means that we, as a group, are responsible for the quality and nature of the dialogue. So, while I can tell you to [American Pie]suck me beautiful[/Pie], you Jerk-Off-Newbie-Gaper (and if I don't, someone else probably will at one point or another), too much of that kind of thing gets old pretty fast (although it does help us get through the summers. If it's summer, and you just started reading, do yourself a favor and come back around October.) Speaking of chestbeating, that brings me to...

    2. Its only an internet chat room.
    So don't get your dainty little panties in a big nasty wad. Sometimes - actually MOST of the time - we ride people pretty hard for stupid crap they say, do, and so on. That's just how it is around here. Don't like it? Grow a spine or go away. No wanking allowed. Don't bother trying to change the place; either learn to live with the atmosphere, or just go the hell away. If it's one person in particular you don't *heart*, just use your Ignore List. But whatever you do, DON'T FEED THE TROLLS looking for a reaction. Quite often the best response is no response. All that said...

    3. Its not just an internet chat room.
    The thing is, this isn't your ordinary chat room. Not anymore. This Board is filled by writers (budding and pro, Powder Magazine, and vitriolic Joe), photographers (amateur, up-and-coming, and old guard), pro freeskiers, aspiring freeskiers, backcountry riders, heli-guides, engineers, lawyers, programmers, doctors, students, drop-outs, high schoolers, new schoolers, old schoolers (and future schoolers?), knee-droppers, lift operators, party hoppers, tourons, morons, and bombshell blonds (although it's always nice to have a few more of those). More importantly, many (if not most) of us have skied together, partied together, and slept on each other's floors as a direct result of this place. Those who haven't probably will soon enough. For looking like an anonymous internet chat room, this place is actually a very well connected community. Don't be deceived! This place is as real as anything out there in the real world. And we're everywhere too. West Coast, East Coast, North Side, South Side, Cali, Washington, OOtah, NYC, Beantown, New Zealand, Austria, France, and more. Which is exactly why you should never, I repeat...

    4. Never judge this book by its cover.
    Beause you just don't know who you may be talking to. And that, combined with #1, #2, and #3, makes for truly hilarious situations. Many years ago, we had a long running joke with industry icons Shane McConkey and Scott Gaffney about their behavior behind closed doors, at least until Gaffney kicked McShlonkey out in a vicious lover's spat ; but they slagged back at us too. I'm afraid I once ribbed (very lightly, but with no lubrication...) one of the most accomplished ski mountaineers in the country, and he hasn't been around since. Oh well. Guess it just wasn't his style; maybe he prefers studded? I'm not saying that it's all childish, immature stuff that goes on here. There's actually a GOLDMINE of intellectual, soul-stirring, heart-warming, stoke-provoking posts here. But you have to find the gems amongst the noise. And to really get it, you've got to engage. To read and write, to participate, to debate with some intelligence, to create something new. To add to the community, to build it up and not to break it down. In short, to give before you are able to receive. That's because...

    5. There's a bit of history here.
    I'm not going to over do it - in the end, we're all still just a bunch of snow-loving interweb weirdos (and yeah, if you're wondering, we get some pretty strange looks from people when they ask where we're from, and we tell them "the internet"), but a lot of stuff has gone down in this community in the past six years. We've made our own t-shirts, produced stickers, and have shwag for sale. We raised money to support Silverton Mountain when it was just getting going. We've raised cash for charitable causes many times over and collected gear for a friend of a friend of a friend whose house burned down (we even got a little thank you at the end of a ski flick for that one). We've sent two cancer survivers heli-skiing, by donation. We designed the AK No Ka Oi's, and we spawned PMGear, producers of the BroModel ski. We've had multiple annual "Summit" gatherings (read: 50+ person parties!) from Utah to British Columbia to Tahoe to Jackson, and we've had countless nutty mini-summits on Mt. Hood, up in the bEast, Chamonix, and elsewhere. We've been written up in Powder Magazine, and these days it seems like Maginions (Powdermaggots + miniONS = Maginions) are popping up in movies and big mountain comps everwhere you look. These days, there's a maggot in every magazine. We've seen people quit their jobs to pursue the dream, and we've seen people get new jobs and leave it behind (although, not for long, we hope). We've seen people get injured, and we've seen them make a comeback. We've seen people get married, produce mini-Minions , and sadly, we've even lost some of our own to the white room in the sky (RIP GSpot, Demolition Woman, and Plakespear).

    Point being, this community, like the magazine that spawned it, is truly "For Skiers [and Riders!], By Skiers [and Riders!]." If you wake up in the middle of July, sweating not because of the heat, but rather, because of the sheer intensity of your desire to get back to ripping knee-deep powder; if you can form complete sentences and articulate your thoughts, then we want you and your creative juices here. And if you're a hot 6' blond named Victoria, we want pictures too. Naked ones. Lot's of them.

    Anyway, that's what's I've got. Now, shut your cake-hole for a little while , and read before you post! Remember, post first, then smoke crack. Or is it the other way around? I can never remember.

    Much luv to the Minions.

    EDIT: READ the rest of the thread, these jokers actually put some good info in here, imagine that!
    Last edited by Yossarian; 01-14-2008 at 10:03 PM.
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  2. #2
    Join Date
    May 2002
    Location
    Warm, Flat and Dry
    Posts
    3,310
    Very well reprised...

    That still is the best introduction to this little corner of the internet/ski world.

    But, you forgot to include dentist in the list of professions.
    "if the city is visibly one of humankind's greatest achievements, its uncontrolled evolution also can lead to desecration of both nature and the human spirit."
    -- Melvin G. Marcus 1979

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    be here now
    Posts
    4,669
    fukkin' AMEN to that!
    Let me lock in the system at Warp 2
    Push it on into systematic overdrive
    You know what to do

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Sep 2001
    Location
    Before
    Posts
    15,792
    We are gross and perverted
    We're snow obsessed 'n deranged
    We have skied for years
    But very little has changed
    We're the tools of the ski media
    And ski industry too
    For we are destined to rule
    And regulate you

    We may be vile and pernicious
    When we bend the knees
    We make you think we're delicious
    With the stuff that we skis
    We're the best you can get
    Have you guessed us yet?
    We're the slime oozin' out
    Of the Internet

    You will obey us while we guide you
    And ski garbage that we slide you
    Until the day that we don't ride you
    Don't go for help . . . no one will hide you
    Your secret stash is avie controlled
    And all the gapers have been told
    And you will ski as you are told
    Until the rights to you are sold

    That's right, folks . . .
    Don't touch that mouse

    Well, we are the slime from the internet
    Oozin' along on your monitor screen

    We are the slime from the internet
    Just read some more and we'll make you scream.
    ....

    (apologies to FZ)
    Last edited by Buster Highmen; 11-19-2004 at 04:50 PM. Reason: first person plural
    Merde De Glace On the Freak When Ski
    >>> Black Bamboo Sidewalled DPS Lotus 120 : Best Skis Ever <<<

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
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    be here now
    Posts
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    Quote Originally Posted by Buster Highmen
    (apologies to FZ)
    I think you'd make him proud. That is damn fine work, BH.
    Let me lock in the system at Warp 2
    Push it on into systematic overdrive
    You know what to do

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Sep 2001
    Location
    Gronkistan
    Posts
    37,177
    Nice, Yo.

    And as a lagniappe, FM steeze, yo!

    ...shoulda said somethin' about the whelk and thelonius, though...

    edit: make this bitch sticky, ONS!
    Last edited by iceman; 11-19-2004 at 04:22 PM.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    May 2002
    Location
    SF
    Posts
    3,638

    Thumbs up

    word to the mummyfucker!
    Craig Kelly is my co-pilot.

    Buy Your Lift Tickets in Advance and Save

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    Everybody Knows This Is Nowhere
    Posts
    6,553
    future school represent!!!
    Putting the "core" in corporate, one turn at a time.

    Metalmücil 2010 - 2013 "Go Home" album is now a free download

    The Bonin Petrels

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    Between 2 big puddles
    Posts
    1,391
    This is such a cool place.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    Location
    STL
    Posts
    2,117
    This document was an indispensible guide through jongdom for me. Unfortunately, I am still a few credits shy of graduation.



    MAKE your first post MEMORABLE...
    Last edited by Karl Stall; 01-16-2005 at 10:05 PM.
    "When restraint and courtesy are added to strength, the latter becomes irresistible."
    Mohandas Gandhi

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    a few blocks from the beach
    Posts
    2,927
    sticky!

    and, please edit to add that we are also snowboarders, not just skiers in this community.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
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    spitting distance from Mavericks
    Posts
    2,726
    nicely said, Yoss.

    (and ditto Yogachick!)

    ah, makes me proud to be here reading that.
    “Within this furnace of fear, my passion for life burns fiercely. I have consumed all evil. I have overcome my doubt. I am the fire.”

  13. #13
    Join Date
    May 2002
    Location
    Bouldenver, Colorado
    Posts
    3,648
    Quote Originally Posted by yogachik
    sticky!

    and, please edit to add that we are also snowboarders, not just skiers in this community.
    fuggin right, done and done!

    So gang, where's your nuggies of "wisdom" for the newbs?
    Underwear goes on the inside?
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  14. #14
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    between here and there
    Posts
    6,248
    the new call out for stupid newbie questions on the board will be :

    WELCOME WAGON JONG!!



    nice work yoteus.
    More fucked up than a cricket in a hubcap

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Sep 2001
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    Before
    Posts
    15,792
    Wax regularly.
    Merde De Glace On the Freak When Ski
    >>> Black Bamboo Sidewalled DPS Lotus 120 : Best Skis Ever <<<

  16. #16
    Join Date
    May 2002
    Location
    Bouldenver, Colorado
    Posts
    3,648
    Quote Originally Posted by Buster Highmen
    Wax regularly.
    Brazilian?
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  17. #17
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    if you don't have someone to do it with, it's not worth doing
    Posts
    603

    Talking

    Quote Originally Posted by Yossarian
    So gang, where's your nuggies of "wisdom" for the newbs?
    go _that_ way - really fast. if something gets in your way, TURN.
    to all my friends, it's not the end
    the earth has not swallowed me yet

  18. #18
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    Too Far South
    Posts
    5,275
    must make sticky

    always remember post first, then smoke crack
    For sure, you have to be lost to find a place that can't be found, elseways everyone would know where it was

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Sep 2001
    Location
    Before
    Posts
    15,792
    Quote Originally Posted by Yossarian
    Brazilian?
    The horror and beauty of reality is that we first filter it through ourselves.
    Merde De Glace On the Freak When Ski
    >>> Black Bamboo Sidewalled DPS Lotus 120 : Best Skis Ever <<<

  20. #20
    Join Date
    May 2002
    Location
    Bouldenver, Colorado
    Posts
    3,648
    Quote Originally Posted by Buster Highmen
    The horror and beauty of reality is that we first filter it through ourselves.
    Heh. Touche. Well played, Mr. Bust-Her-Hymen, well played.
    Thrutchworthy Production Services

  21. #21
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    Seattle
    Posts
    19
    Quote Originally Posted by Buster Highmen
    We are gross and perverted
    We're snow obsessed 'n deranged
    We have skied for years
    But very little has changed
    We're the tools of the ski media
    And ski industry too
    For we are destined to rule
    And regulate you

    We may be vile and pernicious
    When we bend the knees
    We make you think we're delicious
    With the stuff that we skis
    We're the best you can get
    Have you guessed us yet?
    We're the slime oozin' out
    Of the Internet

    You will obey us while we guide you
    And ski garbage that we slide you
    Until the day that we don't ride you
    Don't go for help . . . no one will hide you
    Your secret stash is avie controlled
    And all the gapers have been told
    And you will ski as you are told
    Until the rights to you are sold

    That's right, folks . . .
    Don't touch that mouse

    Well, we are the slime from the internet
    Oozin' along on your monitor screen

    We are the slime from the internet
    Just read some more and we'll make you scream.
    ....

    (apologies to FZ)
    compiling again, are we?

  22. #22
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    Close, but not close enough
    Posts
    1,757
    So gang, where's your nuggies of "wisdom" for the newbs?
    Naked pics of sisters/wives/gf's will dramatically speed up advancing past the jongin stage.

    'Nuther nice intro, gramps.

  23. #23
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    Boulder
    Posts
    422
    It took me one whole year to nut up and post. Still don't much but DAMN good revival of the original W.W.

    Here, here Yos!
    I think I'm going mad.

  24. #24
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    Deeennnvvver
    Posts
    112
    Maybe a section should be added that defines a JONG.
    Put on your seat belt, I saw this in a cartoon once.

  25. #25
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Posts
    14
    With the first pick on the 2004/2005 league draft, the Pawtucket Penis-Rings select...Yossarian!

    Upon arriving at rookie training camp, there are a few things to keep in mind.

    1.) Use the search function. You may have to be creative when using it as many words are removed to keep the server happy. For example "B3" will not yeild any results because it's too short. Instead try searching "Rossi Bandit" and sift through the results.

    2.) If you're trying to sell gear here, don't expect to get market prices...unless you're willing to trade gonzo for a router. The standard maggot/minion pricing paradigm is 50% retail price (not MSRP) - 10% per year old - Condition (times drilled, core shots, delams...etc) + Rare/High-demand item. League veteran schuss said it best, "TGR is not the place to get the best money for your gear. You know those deal guys who get tons of skis mad cheap because they're always looking? You just stumbled upon a few thousand of em."

    3.) Sarcasm is the beer that flows like wine here. Before you decide to engage in flame warfare, check the remark you're pissed about for sarcasm. Getting into a flame war your first week is a sure way for you to ostricise yourself and get turned off to the board.

    4.) Don't feed the trolls & don't argue with aliases. It's like jerking yourself off with sandpaper. Sure it'll give you something to do, but in the end you'll just be left with chaffed genitals.

    Hopefully this will help you to enjoy your stint in rookie training camp and go on to have a healthy career here. I'm The Commissioner, and I approve this message.

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