Thread: What are my "Professional Goals" ?

I have my 6 month review coming up tomorrow and I have to fill out a form that asks me to list my Professional Goals. I don't really have any.

That's where you guys come in. No serious responses please. It's hump day and all I am asking for is some funny to help me get my hump on.

Name one of my Professional Goals. I want nothing but the funny, the sarcastic or the SFW images of hotties wearing nerd T-shirts. Bring it.

ski something longer than 180cm

In the next five years I will not only ascend to the Presidency of the company but will also ride it into the history books as one of the greatest corporate scandals the Country has known. Bismirching 105 years of Corporate good works throuhg one beautiful act of insanity.

I will institute a new policy to encourage workplace diversity and understanding. Every Friday, each employee will have their choice of wearing either a lesbo 9000 strap on or a darth vadar mask.

I work to foster a high degree of work life balance for myself and my co-workers. Chief among my goals will be the accomplishment of no more than 15 minutes of real work per week.

In the next two years I will marry and divorce Paris Hilton, Anna Nicole Smith and Ivana Trump.

http://www-public.rz.uni-duesseldorf...ures/Nuss5.jpg

"The same thing we do every night. Try to take over the world!"

Do you like paper cuts? Yeah but I prefer paper clits.

My number one professional goal for the year is to move up from fluffer to stunt cock. And possibly a small roll in The World's Largest Anal Gangbang VII

I will make love to my wife on the bosses desk.

There are so many things I need to do, and I can't waste too much time sharing them with you. I need to get back to my desk RIGHT NOW and expunge the name 'Mavis Beacon' from the national conscience. I'm sure you understand.

I will be more of a team player in the coming year. My team consists of the Coors Twins, Halle Barry and the HOT SISTA from the OC.

I will become iceman

[IMG]http://rds.yahoo.com/S=96062883/K=Stuart+Smalley/v=2/l=IVS/*-http://www.theironorchid.com/images/films/film_stuartsavesfamily.jpg[/IMG]
Yes. Now, look in the mirror. Come on, don't look at me. Only you can help you.

Now repeat after me.

Because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me!

I am the ultimate paradox. On the one hand I don't give a crap, but on the other hand, I am very careful and precise

[modified quote from realultimatepower]

PhUnk, if you are reporting right back to your boss, as in head/owner of company, I know a guy who simply wrote..

"Your Job."

...on his evaluation.

WARNING: THE ABOVE ADVICE COULD CAUSE PRE-MATURE TERMINATION OF YOUR CURRENT POSITION. PLEASE USE EXTREME CAUTION WHEN USING THIS RESPONSE.

your professional goal should be to gain enough weight to qualify for working at home, as in that episode of the simpsons....

Dr. Nick: Now there are many options available for dangerously underweighted individuals like yourself. I recommend a slow steady gorging process combined with assal horizontology.

Homer: [pensive] Of course.

Nick: [points to a chart] You'll want to focus on the neglected food groups such as the whipped group, the congealed group and the chocotastic!

Homer: What can I do to speed the whole thing up, Doctor?

Nick: Well...be creative. Instead of making sandwiches with bread, use poptarts. Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon,heh...

Bart: You could brush your teeth with milkshakes!

Dr. Nick: Hey, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College too? And remember, if you're not sure about something, rub it against a piece of paper. If the paper turns clear, it's your window to weight gain. Bye bye, everybody!

"I'd like to sleep my way to the top of the company." Then wink.

Originally posted by tuffy109
ski something longer than 180cm

ahahaha




http://skiingismylife.com/media/serious.gif

Congratulations on the worst entry of them all.

PS. I'm on 186 Legend Pro raceroom boards. How ya like that action, noodleboy?

I will expand the companies product line with a series of onanistic pleasure devices driven by ppt and Java layers on top of infrared and usb transport stacks.

I will singlehandedly design, construct, deduct, induct, reduct, duct tape, code, test and model all such devices.

Originally posted by lemon boy
I will make love to my wife on the bosses desk.

I will make love to the bosses wife on my desk.

Originally posted by phUnk


PS. I'm on 186 Legend Pro raceroom boards. How ya like that action, noodleboy?

feel vindicated?

looking at pic of wife and son - ... "don't say doing your wife. don't say doing your wife"
"Doing you son?"

---
family guy

10) I'd like to see just how far I can push the company dress code.

9) Beat the crap outta that fucker in accounting who keeps eyeing me.

8) See if I can get HR to consider alcoholism a disability, and therefore be able to come in hungover without fear of repercussions.

7) Institute a "musical in the workplace day" where all interaction must be done through song.

6) More talk, less work.

5) At least once a week, reply to people only with quotes from Pulp Fiction, such as "Shut the fuck up fat man" or "English motherfucker, do you speak it?".

4) Determine at exactly what temperature a refrigerator will start to burn. For science.

3) Personally check each and every porn site on the web to make sure that the company firewall is doing it's job.

2) See exactly how long one must hum "Do you believe in Life after Love" by Cher before it gets really annoying.

1) Solve yesterday's problems tomorrow.

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I
have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Alta refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I ski powder for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in the Peruvian.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Castle Basin from a horde of ferocious Bogners. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous rockumentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges out of broken toasters in my yard.

I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I wreck
electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analist, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening
wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan
mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend
passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling
centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany
circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl pocket rockets at small moving objects with deadly
accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David
Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire
dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food
item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of park rats who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On
weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.
Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it
down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a trashed toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played John Galt, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

(tweezed from the digital beltway)