OldLarry
10-08-2003, 12:51 PM
get a load of this personal someone sent me:WANTED:
23-28 yr. old SINGLE white male w/ a full head (but not body) of hair. Please, no one under 5’9. And being that I am a normal red blooded human being, and therefore superficial, you must be attractive (to someone other than your mother). You will have to prove this won’t you? So don’t send me any pictures of Brad Pitt’s head on your body, or vice versa. I am not stupid.
MUST have a job (excluding dog walker, mimbo, professional beer drinker, waiter, hairdresser, or any type of ticket taker or cash register operator)
MUST be aware of the fact that not all women w/ small breasts want bigger ones just because all men w/ small penises would like bigger ones (oh….and you must not have a small penis-no exceptions)
*i have already received a surprising number of penis pictures. thanks for the consideration-i've been wondering what those things looked like. my friends were right though-they do kinda look like REALLY SMALL breakfast sausages.
MUST enjoy alcohol and the occasional (if not frequent) binge drinking/blacking out/breaking shit/public mockery/getting arrested session. I’m an athlete but I love to drink. And I must not be able to out drink you. That would make you a pussy. Be prepared to occasionally abuse other substances as well.
MUST be able to quote lines from some, if not all of, the following movies:
Old School
Tommy Boy
Scarface
Caddyshack
Best in Show and/or Waiting for Guffman
American Psycho
*If you have never heard of any of these movies then you are a loser and should be shot.
MUST not be a virgin. If you are still a virgin, good for you, but this chick doesn’t care about your stupid values or traumatic childhood experiences playing doctor with a less than gentle 6 year old girl. If you were a real man you would have been de-flowered by now…if not by a girlfriend than by a prostitute.
*note that if you did lose your virginity to a prostitute, I want nothing to do with your dirty, skanky ass.
Get thee to a clinic.
MUST be willing to travel. It is pathetic but still somewhat acceptable if you have never been out of the country. If you have never been out of the New York/ Jersey/East Coast area then you are not only pathetic but you need to seek help. I am a lot of things, but I am not willing to baby sit someone who has never seen a palm tree. If this makes me a snob then fuck you. You should have stopped reading by now.
MUST have experimented with some type of illegal substance, crack and heroin excluded. I believe that drug experimentation reflects directly on someone’s openness to new experiences. If you think this is crazy then you won’t like me and I sure as hell won’t like you. Cry me a river, build a bridge and get over it. I’m sure the mormons and bible thumpers have a webpage for your holier than thou bullshit.
MUST be athletic. I know this seems strange after the above requirement but I am an extremist. I workout hard and I play hard (sorry about the cliche i've already gotten some complaints. get over it). I do not drink socially because this is a ridiculous concept. 9 times out of 10 i am drinking so that i won't remember the evening. I would rather sit at home and watch a Disney movie w/ my 80 year old grandmother than go out to have a “drink or 2.” In the same regard, If I’m going to run, I’m going to run at least 8 miles. None of this sissy 20 minute cardio session or tae-bo shit. Please be strong enough from lifting weights or beating up homeless people to be able to carry my drunk and blacked out ass home after a night of drinking. In my fucked up mind, this makes you more manly (psycho-analyze all you want). If I have to carry you home you will wake up naked and covered in permanent marker and/or scratches-without a girlfriend. I take no prisoners.
MUST not be a smoker. Social/drunk smoking is ok. If you wake up in convulsions from a nicotene craving, you disgust me.
Think you fit these requirements? I promise that I’m hot enough to make these demands. If I were an ugly loser I wouldn’t dream of requiring anything from a man besides attached limbs and proof of citizenship (and even that would be asking a lot).
And please, try to differentiate between “your” and “you’re.” If you made it through grade school without Unsatisfactory marks on all of your report cards, this shouldn’t be hard.
-To make this even more fun, the 100th hate mail I receive will get a personalized "fuck you and get over it this is only craigslist" e-mail from yours truly.
23-28 yr. old SINGLE white male w/ a full head (but not body) of hair. Please, no one under 5’9. And being that I am a normal red blooded human being, and therefore superficial, you must be attractive (to someone other than your mother). You will have to prove this won’t you? So don’t send me any pictures of Brad Pitt’s head on your body, or vice versa. I am not stupid.
MUST have a job (excluding dog walker, mimbo, professional beer drinker, waiter, hairdresser, or any type of ticket taker or cash register operator)
MUST be aware of the fact that not all women w/ small breasts want bigger ones just because all men w/ small penises would like bigger ones (oh….and you must not have a small penis-no exceptions)
*i have already received a surprising number of penis pictures. thanks for the consideration-i've been wondering what those things looked like. my friends were right though-they do kinda look like REALLY SMALL breakfast sausages.
MUST enjoy alcohol and the occasional (if not frequent) binge drinking/blacking out/breaking shit/public mockery/getting arrested session. I’m an athlete but I love to drink. And I must not be able to out drink you. That would make you a pussy. Be prepared to occasionally abuse other substances as well.
MUST be able to quote lines from some, if not all of, the following movies:
Old School
Tommy Boy
Scarface
Caddyshack
Best in Show and/or Waiting for Guffman
American Psycho
*If you have never heard of any of these movies then you are a loser and should be shot.
MUST not be a virgin. If you are still a virgin, good for you, but this chick doesn’t care about your stupid values or traumatic childhood experiences playing doctor with a less than gentle 6 year old girl. If you were a real man you would have been de-flowered by now…if not by a girlfriend than by a prostitute.
*note that if you did lose your virginity to a prostitute, I want nothing to do with your dirty, skanky ass.
Get thee to a clinic.
MUST be willing to travel. It is pathetic but still somewhat acceptable if you have never been out of the country. If you have never been out of the New York/ Jersey/East Coast area then you are not only pathetic but you need to seek help. I am a lot of things, but I am not willing to baby sit someone who has never seen a palm tree. If this makes me a snob then fuck you. You should have stopped reading by now.
MUST have experimented with some type of illegal substance, crack and heroin excluded. I believe that drug experimentation reflects directly on someone’s openness to new experiences. If you think this is crazy then you won’t like me and I sure as hell won’t like you. Cry me a river, build a bridge and get over it. I’m sure the mormons and bible thumpers have a webpage for your holier than thou bullshit.
MUST be athletic. I know this seems strange after the above requirement but I am an extremist. I workout hard and I play hard (sorry about the cliche i've already gotten some complaints. get over it). I do not drink socially because this is a ridiculous concept. 9 times out of 10 i am drinking so that i won't remember the evening. I would rather sit at home and watch a Disney movie w/ my 80 year old grandmother than go out to have a “drink or 2.” In the same regard, If I’m going to run, I’m going to run at least 8 miles. None of this sissy 20 minute cardio session or tae-bo shit. Please be strong enough from lifting weights or beating up homeless people to be able to carry my drunk and blacked out ass home after a night of drinking. In my fucked up mind, this makes you more manly (psycho-analyze all you want). If I have to carry you home you will wake up naked and covered in permanent marker and/or scratches-without a girlfriend. I take no prisoners.
MUST not be a smoker. Social/drunk smoking is ok. If you wake up in convulsions from a nicotene craving, you disgust me.
Think you fit these requirements? I promise that I’m hot enough to make these demands. If I were an ugly loser I wouldn’t dream of requiring anything from a man besides attached limbs and proof of citizenship (and even that would be asking a lot).
And please, try to differentiate between “your” and “you’re.” If you made it through grade school without Unsatisfactory marks on all of your report cards, this shouldn’t be hard.
-To make this even more fun, the 100th hate mail I receive will get a personalized "fuck you and get over it this is only craigslist" e-mail from yours truly.