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View Full Version : What's your cure for swamp ass?



iskibc
02-24-2004, 08:29 PM
Need some opinions on handling this matter. Not a common occurance, but it came by surprise today. Here's the deal:

Disclaimer: I take two showers a day and keep myself clean. I'm not a dirtbag by no means. Wash, wipe, deodorize, brush, shave, etc.

Everyday before I head off to work I hit the gym and do my routine, weights, 1-hour cardio, sometimes stretch, shower, and I'm out. Things are going pretty well for me on the drive into work. I feel fresh, energized, and ready for the day. Today when I got to work I had a bunch of meetings in a row, all in hot-stuffy rooms with no ventilation. Sometime between my second and third meeting I felt a little moisture build-up in the seat of my pants. I thought, "ok, I've been sitting for most of the morning, maybe if I get up and take a walk outside I'll be alright". I step outside for a couple of minutes and the cool air immediately cures "things". Good times.

Get back into the next meeting and just like the last couple, it's hot and stuffy. This next meeting lasted for almost an hour. Half-way through the monotonous meeting the moisture build-up came back and progressively got worse. Damn, I've got swamp ass! For the next several minutes I sat in the room thinking, "I wonder if anyone else in here has swamp ass too? Is it the room? Is it me? No, can't be me, must be the humidity and temperature of the room."

So, my question to you is, What do you do to cure the dreaded swamp ass? Do you wear thinner pants or underwear? No underwear at all? Shave your junk? Ventilation? Could it be the heightened core temperature from working out? etc. :D

The swamp ass doesn't hit me all that often, but when it does it sucks. :) ;)

Blurred Elevens
02-24-2004, 08:34 PM
Sometimes when you're sick and it feels like a fart, don't release it.

TJ.Brk
02-24-2004, 08:40 PM
Originally posted by iskibc
Need some opinions on handling this matter. Not a common occurance, but it came by surprise today. Here's the deal:

Disclaimer: I take two showers a day and keep myself clean. I'm not a dirtbag by no means. Wash, wipe, deodorize, brush, shave, etc.

Everyday before I head off to work I hit the gym and do my routine, weights, 1-hour cardio, sometimes stretch, shower, and I'm out. Things are going pretty well for me on the drive into work. I feel fresh, energized, and ready for the day. Today when I got to work I had a bunch of meetings in a row, all in hot-stuffy rooms with no ventilation. Sometime between my second and third meeting I felt a little moisture build-up in the seat of my pants. I thought, "ok, I've been sitting for most of the morning, maybe if I get up and take a walk outside I'll be alright". I step outside for a couple of minutes and the cool air immediately cures "things". Good times.

Get back into the next meeting and just like the last couple, it's hot and stuffy. This next meeting lasted for almost an hour. Half-way through the monotonous meeting the moisture build-up came back and progressively got worse. Damn, I've got swamp ass! For the next several minutes I sat in the room thinking, "I wonder if anyone else in here has swamp ass too? Is it the room? Is it me? No, can't be me, must be the humidity and temperature of the room."

So, my question to you is, What do you do to cure the dreaded swamp ass? Do you wear thinner pants or underwear? No underwear at all? Shave your junk? Ventilation? Could it be the heightened core temperature from working out? etc. :D

The swamp ass doesn't hit me all that often, but when it does it sucks. :) ;)

Tenactin Jock itch spray antipersperant. Try wearing boxers too.

Steven S. Dallas
02-24-2004, 08:46 PM
Gold Bond, green bottle.

iskibc
02-24-2004, 08:48 PM
Originally posted by TJ.Brk
Try wearing boxers too.

good one. I've gone back and forth from boxers and sport briefs. I can see how tight briefs would make things more moist. The last time I had SA was when I played rugby in college (7 years ago). I just found it odd that it came back today :confused:

Foggy_Goggles
02-24-2004, 09:03 PM
Originally posted by Alex P. Keaton
Gold Bond, green bottle.

Tell me about the green bottle, I've always run the yellow.

Also, whether to shave or not is your bizz, but I recomend at least keeping the jungle under control. If your wearing dress pants, no long rise. It's all about breathing room.

iskibc
02-24-2004, 09:07 PM
Originally posted by Foggy_Goggles
If your wearing dress pants, no long rise. It's all about breathing room.

That could have been the culprit. I wore some old and tight long risers today, that as of 45 seconds ago are now in the 'donate to the goodwill' bin:D

FreakofSnow
02-24-2004, 09:30 PM
Tell me about the green bottle, I've always run the yellow.

The green is by far the better of the Gold Bond family

Extra strength
Triple action
relieves pain and itch
soothe and protects skin
absorbs moisture

(yes thats from the bottle)

Foggy_Goggles
02-24-2004, 09:33 PM
Also from bottle:

"Great for after shower, bath or exercise - for deodorant protection and a cool refreshing feeling."

Tell me that's not what you're look for.

char
02-24-2004, 09:55 PM
Originally posted by Foggy_Goggles
Tell me about the green bottle, I've always run the yellow.



Twice the yellow bottle tingle.

EPSkis
02-24-2004, 10:06 PM
Originally posted by char
Twice the yellow bottle tingle.


I don't believe I've ever experienced SA, or the need to powder my junk with.....well.....powder.

But by God, if I want my junk to tingle, it's gonna be coming from crimson fingertips & not a yellow or green bottle.

Steven S. Dallas
02-24-2004, 10:10 PM
It begins as a want, but becomes a need before long. And you CAN have it all- I once convinced a girl to pleasure me while I was 'Bonding and packing a dip. Man, that was a good time.

One thing about the green bottle- if you're just starting out, and you're fresh out of a hot shower, be sure to let the boys cool down a bit before applying. Because that just hurts otherwise.

TJ.Brk
02-24-2004, 10:24 PM
If you want to play a very good pratical joke on someone. (I'm very good at this).

Take the green can and sprinkle some on a roll of toilet paper. Shake the eccess off and replace the roll. When your buddy takes a shit and wipes. Well you're going to see him scraping his ass on the carpet like a cat. :D


*note*do not do this to a woman, and make sure you have your own tp so it can't be done to you. :eek:

FreakofSnow
02-24-2004, 10:32 PM
Originally posted by TJ.Brk
If you want to play a very good pratical joke on someone. (I'm very good at this).

Take the green can and sprinkle some on a roll of toilet paper. Shake the eccess off and replace the roll. When your buddy takes a shit and wipes. Well you're going to see him scraping his ass on the carpet like a cat. :D


*note*do not do this to a woman, and make sure you have your own tp so it can't be done to you. :eek:

This is quality shit TJ, nice, very nice

TJ.Brk
02-24-2004, 10:44 PM
Originally posted by FreakofSnow
This is quality shit TJ, nice, very nice

Ya I did it to my Senior Drill Instructor at bootcamp 3 times and never got caught (they had their own head/bathroom). :D

char
02-24-2004, 11:42 PM
Originally posted by EPSkis
I don't believe I've ever experienced SA, or the need to powder my junk with.....well.....powder.

But by God, if I want my junk to tingle, it's gonna be coming from crimson fingertips & not a yellow or green bottle.

This stuff is really good when you haven't had a shower for 7 days and your firepack is chafing your sides so bad that you are bleeding.

When the boys start sticking to your leg it's time to shake some powder down.

Also, if you have sweaty feet (like me), the blue bottle is pretty sweet, but again, everything in moderation. Too much and your feet are going to feel like they are on fire.

G
02-25-2004, 12:06 AM
http://www.wtv-zone.com/fantome/smileys/re-puking-smiley.gif


I hate you all for making me read this thread.







And I'm a little suprised, I couldn't find any reference to "swamp ass" on WebMD.com
But If I were you, I'd just do this:

Drop your pants
Grab your cheeks and spread 'em (goatse style)
Have your roomate unload an aresol can of Arrid eXXtra dry on you.

Good luck with that.

Ripzalot
02-25-2004, 02:27 AM
LOL! "swamp-ass". Never heard that one before.

i have the same problem with sweating after working out. even after a cold shower and a 15 minute power-down, i immediately break out in a sweat after getting dressed. it's your core temp. try drinking lots of ice cold water immediately after working out to lower your core temp. works for me.

Spamhelmet
02-25-2004, 03:24 AM
Originally posted by iskibc
I'm not a dirtbag by no means. Wash, wipe, deodorize, brush, shave, etc.



i truly hope that you dont shave your arse...no wonder that you sweat "down below"...


Been there, done that!

Honc
02-25-2004, 08:20 AM
Originally posted by EPSkis
I don't believe I've ever experienced SA, or the need to powder my junk with.....well.....powder.

But by God, if I want my junk to tingle, it's gonna be coming from crimson fingertips & not a yellow or green bottle.

Just try it once dood. The first hit is free. ;)

rightcoast
02-25-2004, 08:32 AM
def. go with the green bottle if necessary. also, loose fitting pants, and NEVER flannel boxers to work.
cotton...if any

shmerham
02-25-2004, 08:35 AM
Swamp ass - not nearly as bad as chap ass.

That gold bond in the green bottle is powerful stuff. Had to put some on the boys one day in the summer because it was so damn muggy. When they say it has a cooling sensation they're not kidding. Took my breath away.

I understand bag balm works well too. I know some cyclists who use it.

ulty_guy
02-25-2004, 08:37 AM
pics?

The Reverend Floater
02-25-2004, 08:50 AM
Dude, I don't know what the cure for swamp ass is, but that was one funny ass post.

iskibc
02-25-2004, 09:28 AM
Originally posted by ulty_guy
pics?

Alright man, just thinking about that makes my stomach turn. However, here's a few "official" definitions of the dreaded swamp ass:

got swamp ass? (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=swamp+ass)

Jumper Bones
02-25-2004, 10:52 AM
ever since my basic training, I've used the 'ol gold-bond-on-the-sack treatment. It's a must, dude. Keeps it cool down there, prevents chafing, that sort of thing. It's like freon for your...well. Anyway yeah that green bottle is something else. I've used the green when I was stationed in the south (SC), and it keeps ya cool and dry allllll day. In fact, it kinda tingles/burns all day, but if it's hot enough it's fine. Otherwise, I stick to the yellow bottle, it works for me :D

Jumper Bones
02-25-2004, 10:53 AM
And TJ...oh my god thank you for that prank idea. I'd never thought of it. I'm heading out for a semi-deployment, I could pull that on a few people in the dorm here right before I leave....hehehe. Or do it at work - even better! HAH! That'd definitely bring some amusement to my night.

Woodsy
02-25-2004, 02:56 PM
Capaline Boxers & occasional summer time yellow bottle

Green bottle is for health problems & week liong camp trips/tours

Sublime
02-25-2004, 03:09 PM
I get swamp ass like crazy in the summer. I think it has to do with the seat, the hard plastic ones make swamp ass hell. Yet the soft ones tend to be a little better.

Another theory has to do with the hairy ass effect.

TJ.Brk
02-25-2004, 03:17 PM
Originally posted by Jetter
And TJ...oh my god thank you for that prank idea. I'd never thought of it. I'm heading out for a semi-deployment, I could pull that on a few people in the dorm here right before I leave....hehehe. Or do it at work - even better! HAH! That'd definitely bring some amusement to my night.

Not a problem. I have a few others if you want them:D

EPSkis
02-25-2004, 03:35 PM
Here I sit swamp-ass-less wondering if this thread is getting any of the ladies all lathered up yet.

There's proly a half dozen guys out there somewhere that WON'T be getting any tongue as a direct result of this thread.

For THEM I say: Nice work, jackass.

:D

pollard
02-25-2004, 07:34 PM
Stewardess, do you have any moist towlets? I seem to have an unfortunate bout of swamp ass. It feels like a family of mexicans running around in my poop chute
LOL:) :D

Drinking water throughout the day works during the non-summer months works for me but its the yellow bottle all summer.

Sublime
02-25-2004, 08:46 PM
They should make giant maxi pads specially designed for your ass. If you start getting swamp ass just throw on a pad or change yours.

I think we've found a niche in the market. PM Gear want to hop on this?

Jumper Bones
02-25-2004, 09:59 PM
Originally posted by EPSkis
Here I sit swamp-ass-less wondering if this thread is getting any of the ladies all lathered up yet.

There's proly a half dozen guys out there somewhere that WON'T be getting any tongue as a direct result of this thread.

For THEM I say: Nice work, jackass.

:D

yeah, so far i've been lucky enough to not get lucky with the 'ol yellow bottle goin' on...wonder how that'd work out...although a buddy of mine said he had a girlfriend back home, and she didn't seem to mind. but being how there's no girlfriend, and none on the horizon...:cool:

xboat
02-25-2004, 10:00 PM
LOL :D

ohhh god damn this is some funny shit. swamp ass, bwahahaha!!

iski - you could be a product tester for the new PM Gear "Man-Pon" :D

lemon boy
02-26-2004, 08:48 AM
Didn't read the thread
Don't want to really


This was the perfect opportunity for you to stink palm whatever co-worker you just hate.

There, I said it. That's what you do with swampass

Aldo
02-26-2004, 09:06 AM
Originally posted by xboat
LOL :D

ohhh god damn this is some funny shit. swamp ass, bwahahaha!!

iski - you could be a product tester for the new PM Gear "Man-Pon" :D


I think I've mentioned this before, there is only one solution.
The butt tampon. Roll up some TP, use as necessary, change regularly as conditions warrant.

Never been a user of this, but I had a roomate a while back who swore by it in the summer months. He tended to run hot and this was only exacerbated by the fact that he only owned wool suits.. Never was pleasant to come across one of these that had been discarded carelessly...

mildbill.
02-26-2004, 09:16 AM
Originally posted by Aldo
Never was pleasant to come across one of these that had been discarded carelessly...

i just threw up in my mouth.

DINMS
02-26-2004, 09:41 AM
Please dudes, I'm at school.

Beaver
02-26-2004, 10:04 AM
File this under "Too much information."

1080Rider
02-26-2004, 10:11 AM
What in the fack is going on here??? Swamp ass, tp tampons... this is some sick shit man. I've never even thought about these issues, can't believe so many people have solutions... its kind of like a car wreck. Don't want to look but I do out of morbid curiosity.

snowsprite
02-26-2004, 10:14 AM
Memo to myself: Never shake hands w/ Lemon Boy!!
:eek:
Sprite

DougW
02-27-2004, 09:11 AM
not to http://www.btinternet.com/~tonyrichardson/horse.gif but here's a little song for iskibc

to the tune of Neil Young's A Man Needs a Maid - got in your head
.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

. A bideeeeeet, a man needs a bidet
. A bideeeeeeet, a man needs a bidet
Something to keep his ass clean , keep the willnots awaaaay
A bideeeeeet, a man needs a bidet
A bideeeeeet, a man needs a bidet

A bideeeeeet, a iskibc needs a bidet
A bideeeeeet, a iskibc needs a bidet
Something to keep his ass clean, keep the swamp ass awaaaay

1080Rider
06-28-2004, 02:19 PM
Bumping as a public service anouncement in these hot humid days.

irul&ublo
06-28-2004, 02:40 PM
Glad to see the true classics never die.

Mtn Man
06-28-2004, 03:48 PM
Thanks for digging this one up, I missed it last time. Man-pon and stink palm had me rolling :D

Now, what do you do in the case of Bud-mud or Coors-crap????? That's what I always called swamp-ass because it just keeps flowing all day and smells like sulfur.

Discussion continued.....

B)

CaddyDaddy77
06-28-2004, 04:06 PM
Originally posted by 1080Rider
Bumping as a public service anouncement in these hot humid days.

Thank you, insightful info while I'm sweltering in 104 degree heat.

Green Bottle, check.

Free Range Lobster
09-22-2005, 03:08 PM
post restoration society

FreakofSnow
09-22-2005, 03:17 PM
As an added bonus, the folks down in the Louisiana bayou swamp country may benefit from this :D

Mcwop
09-22-2005, 03:18 PM
This thread should not be deleted.

pde20
09-22-2005, 03:21 PM
Long time Gold Bond user, but this summer i began using the Ms.' blow dryer down yonder...works wonders, towels don't get so funky, takes no time at all, no GB clean up. Cheers to that image.

clayton
05-08-2012, 12:53 PM
Best fix ever !!! analitchcure.com
Swamp ass no more !!!!

DeathVan
05-08-2012, 01:16 PM
Best fix ever !!! analitchcure.com
Swamp ass no more !!!!


Such a typical Clayton.

scouring the archives for 7year old threads about swamp ass...hah

Lone Star
05-08-2012, 05:37 PM
great bump.

covert
05-08-2012, 06:45 PM
^^ word

6789

pfluffenmeister
05-08-2012, 09:09 PM
WTF?!?

i've had swamp ass for the last five years!

can't we get this thread stickied?

Trackhead
05-09-2012, 06:04 AM
WTF?!?

i've had swamp ass for the last five years!

can't we get this thread stickied?

Pun intended, I assume?

flowing alpy
05-09-2012, 09:06 AM
i am glad this hasn't turned nsfw yet, thanks.

acinpdx
05-09-2012, 11:38 AM
um, wow people

you need to wash - the stink is not sweat; it's dingleberries getting moistened up by your sweat


WASH!!

flowing alpy
05-09-2012, 11:44 AM
wash rinse repeat

clayton
05-09-2012, 04:19 PM
I suffered for 10 years with swamp ass.
analitchcure.com was cheap fast and easy to do. I'm cured.

Woolybeastman
05-09-2012, 05:11 PM
A tip from a restaurant kitchen type person: corn starch is an inexpensive response to the always-a-threat in a hot kitchen swamp ass. It can also be heard referred to as "monkey butt". The following rules apply: once your dirty mitt has been stuck in the box of corn starch, its yours to keep, and obviously never, ever cook using that box again. Second, if you are wearing black pants, disrobe prior to application or your secret will be out, literally.
Additional resource: www.antimonkeybutt.com

Sent from my SCH-I500 using TGR Forums

astralboy15
05-09-2012, 05:28 PM
um, wow people

you need to wash - the stink is not sweat; it's dingleberries getting moistened up by your sweat


WASH!!

Or just remove the hair to prevent berry formation....makes clean up much faster, too. Nair for men (http://www.naircare.com/men/landing.aspx).

Moose Pit
05-09-2012, 07:57 PM
gold bond, there was a link to the greatest thread ever that covers this
(I have not read all the pages so excuse the fuck outta me if this has already been covered)

luffski
05-09-2012, 08:01 PM
Easily curable in 3 steps.

Step 1: Buy this stuff, without it once you get swamp ass you are fucked. If you have some in your pack, wipe your ass (like you should have done already) and apply, it will stop the burn. It will also help ALOT in preventing the whole situation. Visit the site to figure out who carries it near you: http://www.buttpaste.com
http://pics.drugstore.com/prodimg/152557/300.jpg

Step 2: Learn to wipe your ass effieciently, maybe you do, maybe you don't. Go to this site, read the instructions, turns out most people wipe like assholes: http://howtowipeyourbutt.com/

Step 3: Assess your fiber intake. Odds are you probably are getting your asshole clean, but since you aren't getting enough fiber in your diet, your asshole will leak, just a tiny bit. Combine that with sweating, hiking and other straining activities and now your little asshole "seepage residue" is acting as a "from concentrate" mix with your sweat to make acidic-bile-flesh-eating SWAMP ASS. Get more fiber easy by taking a fiber supplement like FiberSure, or whatever. The new powdered fiber mixes are fine, just mix it with juice or whatever, you won't taste it, don't be a pussy. Also, eat healther!!!! This is most important.

There you have it. The Jong's Guide to Swamp Ass.

Written by a guy who has a really hairy asscrack and used to eat too much McDonalds. Take it or leave it.

TWINS
05-09-2012, 10:13 PM
There must be different kinds of swamp ass? I know the kind that I deal with every summer working in 117 degree heat/high humidity/ golf course irrigation style.
Gold bond is what everybody runs.....but I found a decent substitute for it at the 99 cent store.Buy the body powder in the yellow bottle.99 cents and you will be happy knowing Gold Bond is not ripping you off.

lobstahmeatwad
05-11-2012, 05:13 PM
http://shop.antimonkeybutt.com/product_images/f/215/original_store__22649_std.png

Blatant
07-07-2012, 04:59 PM
summer's in full swing. This shit is miracle if you ride a motorcycle in 110 degrees.

rehabit
07-07-2012, 05:49 PM
Pad 1234

baron
07-08-2012, 12:00 AM
vermont ski television( RSA? ),has a few commercials directly relating to your problem.ASS SO FRESH deoderant wipes,even a bum can have a good smelling bum ..... someone upload those classics!

splat
07-10-2012, 02:50 PM
http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/c8.0.403.403/p403x403/208891_10151733211904897_1538503415_n.jpg

baron
07-12-2012, 04:41 PM
http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/c8.0.403.403/p403x403/208891_10151733211904897_1538503415_n.jpg

they had swampass before 1958,cavemen ,cavewomen ,suffered greatly before hair grooming kits!